How to Cope When Your Loved One Pulls Away

Oh my! Ouch! What a painful thing. There you are, everything is going so spectacular with the one you love, then for some reason he or she pulls back from you leaving you confused, angry, and/or hurt. How do you cope in the best way with such a painful situation?

Dear Friend,

My name is Dr. Lisa Love and I have spent most of my life attempting to understand what love is and help others attract and keep more love in their lives through my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love Programs. (Check out my Prepare Yourself for Love Program here).

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

I know that love relationships go in cycles. Over and over again we come together and then pull apart. Why? Because love is always a balance of the two urges of attachment and freedom (being with others and being by ourselves). And, truth be told that is a healthy thing. Because truly loving relationships involve a healthy mix of loving others and loving ourselves, which these cycles of being together and then pulling apart provide for us.

But, that is not always an easy thing to handle. It could be that we are totally enjoying someone and wanting more and more of that wonderful experience, but then something triggers off in the other person, and suddenly they pull away. For example, I would like to share an experience that Paul, a client of mine, shared with me.

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Dear Dr. Lisa,

I was having a wonderful time with the woman I love, one of our best times ever. Then, suddenly, she pulled back and went into one of her emotional phases of turmoil and doubting me. It is so frustrating having to deal with this, especially since I was feeling closer to her than ever. Why do women do this?

Paul

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Here is my response.

Dear Paul,

What a tough thing, feeling so close to someone and then poof they seem to be gone. Of course, women are not the only ones who do this, men do it as well (ask the many women out there who deal with this all the time). The main difference between when men and women do this, is that men just tend to disappear without much discussion about it, or give what seem to be “logical” reasons for taking off (like needing to work, or wanting to take space for themselves).

Women don’t always respond like that. They are much more likely to pull back in an emotional way and express verbally that they are feeling hurt or overwhelmed. Both responses can cause pain and confusion. So how do you deal with this pulling away cycle? There are many answers, and I talk about a number of them in my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

First of all I want you to understand that whenever someone pulls away from being with you, it is because he or she has hit a place inside that they are attempting to love. Reasons can be numerous, but in general people pull away because they feel confused and need time to sort out what they are really wanting in life, love, and relationships. Or, which may be the case with your girlfriend, some emotional wound or is being triggered that causes fear and doubt.

True, to someone who cares about them, this can all be hurtful, because you are not in that place at the moment. So, what do you do? As I discuss in my Finding Love Audio Program and Attracting Real Love Ebook, the best thing you can do is put the focus back on you. Yes, you want to be with your loved one, to help him or her. That is a good thing and by all means it is important to keep your heart open to him or her so you can be a loving and understanding presence for them when they return.

But, none of us can control how others feel about us, if they want to be with us, or if they trigger off after interacting with us somehow. All we can do is let them do what they need to do, and go back to loving and being there for ourselves. Get out your “I Am Lovable” Emergency Response Kit (that I talk about in my Attracting Real Love Ebook), and do something to keep your own loving vibration strong. The person you love will return to you, and if you are in a loving space, and able to respond to him or her in a loving way, then the love between the two of you will only grow stronger.

Want more help? Check out my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:
http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

How Do I Get Someone to Want Me?

It’s a question I get a lot, and it’s based on that deep inner yearning to have someone special in your life — how do get someone you want to want you, especially someone you really want?

That would be so nice, wouldn’t it?  Yet, often that may not happen in life.  But, there is something you can do about it, and I want you to pay very close attention to this.  You, see, as I always teach others, to attract love you have to be love.  You have to learn to be a loving human being no matter what.  And, that’s exactly what I teach in my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

So, what stops us from being a loving human being? Here is a letter I got from a client that I want to share with you precisely about this topic.

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Dear Dr. Lisa,

For so long now I have wanted to find that special someone.  There are a number of men I am interested in, but nothing seems to every work out.  I am beginning to worry if there is something wrong with me.  Why can’t I get anybody to love me?  I want love more than anything else in the world.
   
Angela

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Dear Angela,

What a tough place you are in, because I know you, like everyone, deserve love.  And, it can hurt not to have loving people in your life.  Here is what I want you to know. 

Whenever we don’t feel wanted in life, chances are it springs from a deep wound where we have felt abandoned by people we hoped would care for us early on in our lives, who did not.  You see one of the most magical things about love is when someone reflects back to us that we are a person worthy of love.  When we don’t get that, when people belittle, abuse, or neglect us, it can lead to a deep inner feeling of despair, and make us believe we are unlovable, or will never attract real love into our lives.   

I know that feeling due to circumstances in my own life.  But, it’s not a feeling that has to last, even if you “step back into the puddle” of that helpless emotion now and then.  There are things you can do to lift yourself out of that dark emotion and reflect back to yourself, regardless of whether others do or not, that you are a child of the Divine, not only worthy of love, but completely lovable.

Ok, but how do we do that practically?  How do we learn to love ourselves so that we become love, and then others naturally want to be around us?  There are many answers, and I talk about a number of them in my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

But, for now let me share a few great tips here that my programs talk about.  Ultimately, I want you to put together an “I am Lovable” Emergency Response Kit!  Inside this response kit, you are going to put all the things you can think of to help you raise your vibration back into the realm of love, where you know you are love, and love is naturally attracted back to you.  In essence you will learn to want yourself, whether others around you want to be with you, or not! 

In my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love Programs, especially in my Finding Love audio program and Attracting Real Love Ebook I give a lot of details about what your response kit can be comprised of.  But, here are a few general suggestions. That kit has to include the following areas: Spiritual, Personal, Mental, Emotional, Physical. 

Under each of these categories I put lots of ways you can feel good and feel loved no matter what is going on in your life.  I can’t begin to tell you how many times my own “I am Lovable” Emergency Response Kit has helped me lift out of a feeling of not being loved or wanted in my own life.  And, I very much want you to know how to do this as well. 

As I always teach my clients, no one has the power to reject you, not want you, or abandon you unless somewhere inside yourself you reject, no longer want, or abandon yourself.  That’s hard to learn when we are children and dependent on others for love.  But, we can learn to accept, want, and love ourselves as adults.  That’s what I am here for, and what I so want for myself and all those who come into my life.   

Want more help?  Check out my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

Or, call me for a coaching session.  Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love                          

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love.  All Rights Reserved

The Right Time & The Right Loving Way to Return to An Abuser

As mentioned in a previous article, especially when you are in an abusive and violent relationship, research shows almost the only thing that works is to leave the abuser. Does that mean, however, you can never return? Yes, you can return. But, only after you have had the strength and courage to teach your abuser how to love. How is that done?

To be honest, I know of no better book on this subject than Lundy Bancroft’s – Why Does He Do That? This is hands down the best book on the market for understanding abuse and knowing if an abuser is capable of changing, or is in the process of changing. Lundy even has a fifteen step checklist that any person who loves an abuser should use to determine if the abusive person is no longer tempted to resort to abuse. That checklist goes from the abuser admitting to the abuse, allowing for zero excuses for the abuse, entering an abuse program (usually takes two years to go through) with a qualified therapist who specializes in abuse, making active restitution for the abuse, giving up the goodies for abuse, and having zero tolerance for abuse in themselves or others. Other books that can help include – You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, by Stephen Stosny. This book is best utilized if an abuser is in an abuse program.

Research also shows that unless an abuser goes through this process, he or she, will abuse again. That is why it is so crucial to love yourself and another to insist on change – to insist that loving behaviors replace abusive ones. Want to learn more about some of the principles in Bundy’s book? Go to the LoveMovies! review on The Changling movie. It deals with abuse in men. Though women can abuse as well, sadly men are overwhelmingly abusers mainly because male culture often teaches them that abuse is acceptable (something loving men work hard to change in the male culture).

Here is the link to the review.

http://www.lovemoviesonline.com/short_reviews/changeling.html

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Attract & Keep Real Love Programs found at http://www.doctorlisalove.com

Real Love Expands Love In Others & Doesn’t Tolerate Negative Behaviors

Sad, but true, another media story of a woman being abused (Charlie Sheen’s wife), calling the police in terror for her life, slamming a restraining order on him, and then saying “She loves him enough to ignore everything that happened.” But, I have news for Brooke, this isn’t love, it’s her fear and abuse pattern talking.

As someone who specialized in abuse in the 1980’s, I’ve spent a lot of time learning about why abuse happens, why abused people stay with their abusers, and what is the most loving behavior in these circumstances. And, the truth is almost irrefutable. If you really love yourself and another, you will DEMAND & INSIST OUT OF LOVE, that your partner CHANGE! And, that requires a ZERO TOLERANCE for ABUSE policy.

What is the best way to cope with an abuser? Research has proven time and again, pretty much the only thing that works is LEAVING the abuser. Thus, Brooke was right by slamming a restraining order on Charlie, and the prosecuting lawyers are right in demanding that order not be lifted. That IS the loving thing to do.

Fact. This isn’t the first time Charlie Sheen has attacked his girlfriend and wives. As CNN reported yesterday, he’s been equally as violent and as scary with all of them. Yet, like the classic charming abuser, he gets away with it. Why? Because abusers are seriously invested in making sure their outer appearances look good so they can benefit from the power they feel they gain over others by being abusive.

And, it takes courage (a word that means “take heart”) to stand up to an abuser. They rule through fear, control, and intimidation. They convince their victims that they can’t survive without them, or that the penalities for exposing their abuse will be seriously high (usually more abuse). Then the abuser “rewards” his victim for caving in and being cowardly enough to “love him” by placating his cruelty and sickness.

TRUTH. ABUSE ISN’T LOVE. STAYING WITH AN ABUSER ISN’T LOVE. IT’S FEAR. And, fear and love never co-exist together.

So, how do you love an abuser? Again, have the power, courage, and support system to leave. Let them know you have zero tolerance for their abuse. Insist that they enter an abuse program, anger management isn’t enough. Abuse isn’t about anger. It is about entitlement. Abusers gain a lot of goodies by abusing and controlling others. The more they know they can get away with getting these goodies the more they feel entitled to abuse to get them. Their entitled attitude must be entirely stripped away. You abuse? You don’t get any goodies at all. Period.

Best of all, by forcing an abuser to admit to the abuse, take responsibility for the abuse, no longer feel entitled to abuse, and actually get to the point of knowing that abuse is wrong, awful, and shameful, the more you encourage the abuser to learn how to love.

That’s the point. LOVE. So, please understand this basic teaching I have about love. How do you know it is real love? Simple. Love expands love in others. When we truly love others (and that often takes a lot of courage, or heart), we teach them what love is, and they become more loving because of it. What better gift to give those you love? Better yet, what better gift to give to yourself.

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Attract & Keep Real Love Programs found at http://www.doctorlisalove.com

Getting the Pain of Heartbreak to STOP

Hello. If you are feeling heartbroken, and want the pain to stop, feeling disappointed in love, and feeling as if you can’t go on, I know how that feels (as I used to feel it myself). But, it doesn’t have to be that way. I can help.

You can get your heart to mend and get back to a place of feeling confident in love again, but only if you allow your heart to heal in the right way. Why? Because if you don’t let your heart heal in a healing manner it will create scar tissue, making it very hard for you to love or trust again. Which is why I want to help you through my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

That’s right. When we don’t know how to heal our hearts, whether we want to or not we find ways to injure them over and over again. As we do so, it is similar to having something start to heal (or scab over), but then if we don’t know how to leave it alone, or protect ourselves in the right way during the healing process, our hearts end up breaking over and over again!

Dear Friend,

If you have recently ended a relationship, or find yourself unable to forget someone you loved who is no longer in your life – I know how you feel and I know I can help you.

Like you, I’ve lost people I cared about. At one point in my life I spent years in pain. I not only didn’t believe I would ever find love again, I didn’t want to find love again. I just stayed there, stuck, hanging onto my pain and onto my past.

I was afraid of moving forward. I was afraid to believe. I was afraid to be disappointed in love again. And, from a Law of Attraction point of view (where the thoughts and feelings we put out into the universe tend to come back to us in life), I was actually increasing the odds that I would be disappointed once more in love, because that is all I could think, feel, and believe in my life.

And, why not? Hadn’t experience proved I was right? I did my absolute best to love, and just got smacked down in the process. It was all so painful. I was so hurt and confused. That is until I learned once and for all what real love was, and how I was, and was not, allowing real love to enter my life so I could love and be loved for good!

Here’s a letter sent to me by Julie, who had something similar happen to her.

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“Dear Dr. Lisa,

I truly don’t know where to go, or what to do. I was dating my boyfriend for over one year. Everything seemed wonderful and I thought he was the man for me for certain.

Then, as the holidays came upon us, he started to unexpectedly back away. He said he wasn’t sure about us moving forward right now, and needed a little break.

I was so hurt. How could he say this to me just before we entered the holiday season? Then, the other day I found out something horrible. He had taken a trip to go skiing, and a mutual friend of ours told me she had spotted him at the resort skiing there without me. Worse, he was with his old girlfriend.

I was devastated. I thought everything between us was going well. Where in the world did his old girlfriend come from? I didn’t even know he was staying in touch with her.

I have now confronted him and we have currently called it quits. This hurts so much I don’t know if I can bare it. Please help me. I don’t know what to do.

Julie

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Here is my answer to Julie, as well as a tool that will help any of you who may be suffering in the same way Julie is.

Dear Julie,

To begin with, Julie, your heartbreak is at the very initial stages. In many ways your broken heart is like a broken bone. And, what would you do if you actually had a broken bone (like a leg or arm?). Chances are you would get yourself to a doctor and fast.

In some ways that is what you have done by reaching out to me, someone who has the power to help you heal your heart. So, that is a good thing. Because finding an expert who knows the stages of how to help you start healing your heart in the right way is very important.

So here is what you need to do to heal. You need to COCOON! That is right. You need to create a safe space where you can feel all your feelings and release them in the most healing and powerful way you can. Why because whenever you experience sadness, or sorrow, you are faced with letting go. But, if you try to let go too soon, it will create the opposite effect. It will cause you to hang on! That is why I don’t want you to let go right away until you know how to. I want you first and foremost to cocoon, to protect yourself, to get yourself in a safe place so you can sort out what to keep, what to let go of, and how to move forward in the most powerful way.

How do you build your cocoon? There are many ways, and I talk about a number of them in my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

But, here is one simple tip for you right now – pick a place you can regularly go to, in nature, or in your home (even if it is the bathroom) and make sure that in this space you only allow positive and loving sights and sounds. That means only put up pictures that make you feel good. Only listen to music that encourages you to know you can heal and move on. And, only let people into this space (if possible) who love you, believe in you, and are able to tell you how you will be alright once you set the bone, put on a cast, and have taken the time to heal.

Of course there are more steps you could take, but for now this is a beginning process.

Want more help? Pick up my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,
Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com

(Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved)

He’s Rich, She’s Hot! So What? – Beyond Appearances Towards Real Love

It’s the stereotypical trade – sex objects for success objects. Attractive women (or men) for wealthy men (or women). This barter of status (looks and wealth) is ancient and deeply ingrained in the human psyche. And, it is pitched to us as the ideal over and over again in the media (television, movies, magazines). Yet, as many wealthy and beautiful people know who have entered into this bargain (I once did it myself in my youth), it doesn’t lead to love or happiness. So, why do we keep valuing this superficial approach that in truth has nothing to do with love? In fact, when we approach people in this superfical manner, we almost guarantee that real love will elude us in the process.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with being physically appealing or having lots of money. Beauty can inspire. Wealth can be used to accomplish great good. But, those with beauty and wealth know too well the chronic heartbreak that happens when people desire you only for your externals. It could even be said that those with extreme beauty or wealth have more difficulty finding real love than others do. Because they tend to be pursued more for their external value, they must have and apply more rigorous discernment to be sure they are being loved for who they truly are as persons.

And, to do so they must (as we all must) be willing to drop the focus on external qualities a person has, and shift more towards desiring the internal qualities a person posessess that can lead us to a truly joyful, happy, loved, and loving life. I am reminded for example of a dating service I am aware of (there are plenty like the one I know), that is set up primarily to accomplish the looks for wealth trade amongst potential partners. I am also reminded of my own early years where I mistakenly entered into this kind of trade and learned the hard way how it didn’t serve anybody. And, I am especially reminded of the stories I have heard now from clients for decades who fell into this external emphasis and suffered a great deal for having done so.

Now, I am a realist. I understand human nature. I am used to my clients telling me in an excited tone of voice when they meet a potential partner, “She is so hot. I could just look at her beauty all day long.” Or, “He is so rich. He has his own private plane. He owns several homes.”

But, my training and years of experience have also taught me a lot about the painful road they are traveling down. That is why when I hear these statements I sigh inwardly, knowing that sooner rather than later, trouble will be at their door.

Why? Again, there is nothing wrong with beauty. It can be very inspiring to have a partner who is physically attractive to us. And, wealth can help us accomplish a great deal of good in life if we have access to it. But, when we start out being thrilled about externals, and when we focus on what others can give us especially in the way of status, the ego has pretty much taken over. That very same ego only leads to much heartbreak down the road.

A wealthy friend of mine has a saying I would like to share with you to bring some proof. He calls it the Cindy Crawford syndrome. (She was the supermodel who was in vogue at the time he was young). What is the Cindy Crawford, or supermodel, syndrome? It’s the classic problem externally based ego driven people often face when they put the emphasis on externals like beauty.

Because they care more about the status a person brings them, instead of caring truly for the person, even if they marry a supermodel they remain discontent. That is why before too long he will be trading in a supermodel girlfriend for a new one. (Tiger Woods anyone?). Well, Tiger is not alone. And, you don’t have to have wealth to fall victim to putting the emphasis on externals, any egotistical selfish person will be prone to do so.

That is also why I take a deep breath and say a little prayer when I hear women gushing about how much money a man spends on them, or can bring to their lives. Again, I can’t blame them for being misguided. I was too at one point. I married the wrong person in a trade of my youthful looks for sizable wealth in hopes that it would bring the happiness and security I longed for. It didn’t. In fact, my brief years in that marriage were some of the most unhappy of my life. Why? Because despite his money and my looks, we were not at all compatible with each other. And, neither one of us bothered to ask the kinds of questions that I will share with you now.

Questions To Answer In Your Quest for Real Love.

1. Do I genuinely enjoy and admire this person, even if he/she were not wealthy or good looking?
2. Do we share the same vision of what we want our lives to be like? And, does that vision help to create a better world for lots of people around us?
3. Do we have a lot of things in common (after all even though opposites attract, time and again, research shows that long lasting happy relationships and marriages happen between people who are more alike than different).
4. Does this person possess integrity? Can he/she be trusted to keep his/her word?
5. Is this person free from obsessions, addictions, and abusive patterns (emotionally, physically, financially) showing they are capable of being a happy loving person, able to give that happiness and love to someone else?
6. Is this person a naturally unselfish person? Do they treat others with care and respect no matter what their status in life?
7. How does this person treat me? Forget about how much money he/she spends on me. Forget about how much he/she turns me on physically. How does he/she treat me regarding the little things in life? How good of a human being is this person?
8. Does this person value who I am mainly in terms of the service I am here to bring to the world? And, will he/she help me make the contibution with my talents I am meant to?
9. Is this person capable of making sacrifices, joyfully and willingly, especially since the ability to joyfully sacrifice for the well being of others demonstrates that this person knows how to truly love?
10. What kind of spiritual qualities does this person possess, especially in regards to being fair, truthful, compassionate, open-minded, naturally joyful, loving, and concerned for welfare of others?

Of course, there are additional questions that could be asked. But, how much more I would delight if someone would tell me, “He/she is such a good person. He/she has such a kind heart. We share so many things in common. People genuinely admire him/her. He/she can be trusted to keep his/her word. He/she treats me really well. And, by the way, he/she is my ideal of good looking. It is so much fun how he/she really turns me on. And, he/she has the financial means that allows us both use that wealth wisely to help create a better world.”

Then, I would smile with joy and wish them well. I would feel that they were learning to bless each other and this world with the presence of their real love. But, most of all, I would know that at some point, sooner or later they would not be calling me on the phone with the classic story I hear one too many times of how despite all they have in life in terms of looks, status, or wealth, they feel lonely, empty, betrayed, sad, angry, and abandoned once more because they did not get the real love they were looking for.

Yes, real love. That is what is it really all about. And, that is what I wish for them, for myself, and for the entire world.

Copyright by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Want to learn how to ATTRACT & KEEP REAL LOVE? Go to the link below.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attract_love_group_coaching.html

Love Myth: Love is Blind. Love Truth: Love is Consciousness

It’s a common saying, “Love is blind.” And, it’s a phrase that has been stated by numerous well known people. Many movies also proclaim it. Yet, is this really true? Or, is it just another myth about love that prevents us from knowing what love really is, and therefore, stops us from attracting real love into our lives?

Perhaps it helps by understanding what people generally mean when they say “love is blind.” Typically, they are saying that they are willing to overlook certain things that annoy them. Or, that they are “crazy in love” with someone, so regardless of obvious negative traits the person possesses, they willfully blindly ignore them. They may even be saying that they don’t want to know what the other person is really like, as it will upset their capacity to love them anymore.

What is all of this really saying to us? Yes, it can be a good to learn how to overlook certain things in a relationship that may disturb the overall balance of love. But, are you really overlooking them, or putting them in perspective, which means you see them clearly, but decide in the larger scheme of the relationship and of love, that they are really not the most important things to focus on? Unless of course, they are! Because too often people overlook problems in a relationship that are really acting like “acid on the pipe” (a phrase my clients know me to use often). Why “acid on the pipe?” Because though they seem minor, they have the power to erode even the strongest metal, or foundation of a relationship. And, no loving relationship is helped by problems being ignored in such a way the very foundation of love within the relationship is gradually destroyed.

In fact. this unwise overlooking of the truth by chosing to remain blind has created problems for nearly everyone. It is the main reason “love” often ends tragically (which means in truth love wasn’t very present to begin with, blindness was). Why is this? Because in the name of “love” we overlook numerous red flags that will obviously lead to serious problems later on. These include abusive and addictive patterns, irresponsible handling of career and finances, obvious disregard for the feelings and needs of others, codependent patterns and more. Instead of generating love, this willful overlooking of negative behaviors feeds the lack of love. (Remember this one, I Lack Love, or I.L.L., which is the end result). What would love really require in these situations? Quite honestly, it would require the courage to look at these problematic behaviors head on, and in a loving way (for yourself and others) insist they be dealt with and resolved.

But, when we willfully ignore reality, and turn a “blind eye” to what our loved ones are doing, this isn’t love. It’s fear. Fear of finding out the truth. Fear of not knowing how to handle the truth if it is revealed. Fear of being left alone if love requires the loving removal of negative people and behaviors from your life. Fear of having to confront the unloving aspects of yourself. In all these examples, fear dominates, love does not. And, where fear exists, love cannot be present. The two simple can’t reside together, because love is one of the main things that overcomes fear to begin with.

What we discover then is that love is far from blind, it is conscious. As I am frequently known to say, it requires 20/20 vision. It requires the courage to see clearly. As we see clearly, it then requires the wisdom to love in the most intelligent and powerful way whatever (or whoever) comes into our lives. How do we know we are loving in an intelligent and powerful way? Simple. We expand within ourselves and others the capacity to love. That requires, however, knowing what love entails, something we will continue to learn in our discovery of real love. So, let us finally once and for all put the “love is blind” myth on the shelf! So, that real love is something we can finally invite fully, and consciously, into our lives.

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

WANT TO ATTRACT & KEEP REAL LOVE IN YOUR LIFE? Learn more at the link below.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attract_love_group_coaching.html

Giving Thanks for the Miracle of Life

Just imagine. Imagine as if you could live every day as a miracle. Imagine if you could wake up and no matter what your day brings, you could go through your day saying, “Thank you Spirit! Thank you God!” Thanks for this opportunity to learn once more how to open my heart. Thank you for the opportunity to dare to love those who I was afraid to love, found it difficult to love, wanted to love but didn’t know how. Thank you for the opportunity to love and discover more about being loved in return.

You in the airport or on the freeway…. thank you for the opportunity to practice patience, to offer a smile, to encounter the limitations within myself that keep my heart frozen and blocked from revealing all the love that I am, and taking in all the love I can receive.

You in my family… despite all the pain and hurt we have shared together, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness, to replace my fears with love, to learn discernment, to see you more clearly, to know how to be with you in a safe space, where we can learn to be more conscious and open together.

You in another country… thank you for being different from me, for teaching me to be less self-absorbed in my own view of the world, to discover how varied human kind is, and how to love others fully and clearly in an attempt to understand and learn how to be with different points of view.

You all alone… out there somewhere believing no one cares. Thank you for helping me remember that you are there. Knowing this I can send you my love, and wish for you that you will reach beyond fear finding those who care.

You who are in pain or suffering… thank you for reminding me about compassion. That I am here not only to receive, but to give. Thank you for teaching me the limits of my capacity to love, so that I may open my heart and expand my ability to embrace you even more. For in embracing you and helping you heal, I heal myself. Because we are one, all one, in our joys and our sorrows.

You who I have harmed… thank you for revealing to me my shadow, all those nooks and crannies of ignorance I thought I had gone beyond. Thank you for showing me all the ways I need to grow. And, to those of you who found it in your hearts to forgive me, thank you for that act of grace, as I also attempt to shed that grace upon myself.

You who are in celebration and joy… thank you for reminding me about the essence and true nature of life. Thank you for waking me up and reminding me that life is precious. So let us all wake up and embrace the day to see what it has to offer. Thank you for reminding me life is too short for bad moods, and all things go better when we simply remember to find joy in life and smile at one another.

You who love… you are the reason for living. Thank you for the friendship, kindness, inspiration, and shear delight you bring into my life. Your courageous act of keeping your hearts open help heal this world. For you reveal that love is not scarce, it exists in an abundance.

You… Spirit… Divine… God… Energy… Life! You are all that is, in all your wonderous displays. Sometimes confusing, but always revealing the fundamental truth…. we are one. I am you, you are me. As we learn to consciously embrace the miracle of life, and lovingly dissolve the barriers that prevent us from seeing the essence we all are… then love bursts forth!

So, thank you…. thank you… thank you… this day, every day, every moment.

Blessings and love,

Lisa

LoveMovies! Empowerment Review of the Time Traveler’s Wife

Henry is an ordinary boy living an ordinary life until one day at age six a tragic event totally changes his life. In a car with his mother, a marvelous singer who is busy teaching Henry how to do the same, a tragic accident suddenly takes his mother away. And, in many ways, Henry is taken away as well. In response to the trauma of seeing his mother die, Henry becomes a time traveler. Randomly, throughout the next forty years of his life he leaps through time, primarily to interact with the various stages
of the life of his one great love, Claire.

On the surface time travel seems absurd. Yet, if we really look at it millions of people are time traveling every single day. Trauma victims are especially susceptible to doing this. Whenever something triggers a memory of their trauma, they simply disappear. Perhaps they disappear mentally causing them to lose track of the present moment as they drift into the past. Never fully at home, the loved ones around them are frequently left to inquire as to where they are going, since though they may be right in front of them, no one seems at home.

Or, they may disappear into various addictive behaviors. Sex, drugs, alcohol and other addictive “medications” are typical choices used to help time travelers avoid the present moment. That’s because they would rather numb out memories of the past, then face them head on. Then, there are those who disappear entirely. They simply run away from those they love, only to appear and disappear over and over again at the most inexplicable times. Some on the run do take their loved ones with them, unwittingly causing the suffering of those they love, who struggle to cope with the constant feeling
of being uprooted and having to abandon too many times the people and places they are coming to care for and enjoy.

Watched carefully it is easy to see how Henry’s constant disappearances are triggered by feelings of anxiety, fear, and memories of past pain. His greatest fear and pain is of course the loss of someone he loves. Perhaps that is why he constantly tests Claire to see, if like his mother, she will one day abandon him. Fortunately, for Henry, Claire chooses to remain a constant part of his life. But, to do so without becoming a “time traveler” herself (through escapist behaviors), she has to learn a significant lesson. She faces her traumas and losses head on. And, in doing so, she does not abandon herself.  An example of this happens when Henry returns to her after disappearing for over two weeks. Bravely, Claire refuses to cancel her plans to spend time with him. She has learned something Henry never fully seems to comprehend, to fully love another, you have to love yourself. Unlike Henry, she refuses to put the present moment on hold.

Wiser on matters of the heart and no longer codependent, Claire lives as she must.  She is no longer worried if Henry will go on the run. He has run away too many times already. So, when Henry insists that Claire refrain from having children and attempts to manipulate time to stop her from doing so, she manages to make her dream come true anyhow. Living life, not running from life, is Claire’s major priority now.

In that way, the Time Traveler’s Wife, is a love story. Though it is Claire (and later her daughter) who are the main ones who really know how to love. Henry is too chained to his early trauma, and to fear, to let much of their love enter his life. Though Henry goes to a geneticist to fix his condition, what he really needs is a good trauma therapist. In many ways that is the role his daughter attempts to take on. She too suffers loss, even the tragic and sudden loss of someone she loves. Yet, she copes in a different way. Though young, she deals with her traumas head on, processing her emotions surrounding her traumas in a more conscious and loving manner.

That’s why when Henry asks her how he can learn, as she has, to travel consciously throughout time, she tells him to sing. Why sing? Because his mother was teaching him to sing at the very moment she died triggering Henry’s trauma in the first place. Sadly, Henry let’s his fear and trauma dominate him to the very end. Though he is learning more about love, he is unable to love himself, his wife, or his daughter enough to work through his trauma in a conscious way, so he no longer feels compelled to run away.

But, as I have already said, Henry is not the only time traveler. They are all around us. Let’s pray then that with enough love and courage we can help them all live more fully in the present moment. Then, they will finally find their way back to themselves, their hearts, their homes, and those who love them.

LoveMovies! Resource Match.

Learn some great tips for coping with trauma here.

http://www.crisiscounseling.org/TraumaLoss/CopingWithTrauma.htm

Time Traveler’s Wife Movie Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USUDlMBR-dQ&feature=fvw

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love & LoveMovies!. All Rights Reserved.

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The Time Traveler's Wife

Forgiving, Forgetting, & Boundary Setting

Is it really possible, or practical, to forgive and forget if someone is only going to repeat abusive and harmful behaviors? It is, but it requires a little more clarity on the entire process of boundary setting in conjunction with forgiveness.

In the past several years I have become even more savvy on the dynamics of abuse. I have also become aware of how abusers pretty much count on people forgiving them and forgetting about the harm they cause as a way to escape from the consequences of their destructive behaviors.

Which is why I want to draw upon the Christian teachings I was raised on. Because to me Jesus is a major example of forgiveness. Yet, when Jesus famously forgave those around him, at one point he also proclaimed, “Go and sin no more.” In other words, all of us, when we are given the blessing of forgiveness, have at the same time a responsibility to become more conscious of our destructive patterns. And, once aware of them, we need to actively move to change our behaviors so we sin (or harm ourselves and others) no more.

What about forgetting then? Though I have no idea what the roots are of the words forgiving and forgetting, it has not passed by me that the words can easily be broken into “for – giving” and “for – getting.” Looked at this way I can almost imagine acient folks looking at two people who have harmed each other, and then telling them to both step into the center of the room for the purpose of “giving” and “getting.” Or, to put it more simply for the sake of apologizing and making restitution with each other so the scales of justice (or karma) are set right.

Yet, sadly forgiving and forgetting has often turned into, “Ok, I’ll be a nice person and let you off the hook entirely. You don’t have to get conscious. You don’t have to change your behaviors. I’ll just let the whole thing go. And, you can go on being hurtful like you were before.” Quite frankly this is the fundamental reason why abusive relationships continue. Abusive people never have to suffer any consequences for their destructive behaviors. And, their forgiving spouses (who continue to ignore the abuse) end up getting hurt again and again and again.

So, what is the better way to forgive? First, it is true, when you don’t forgive you remain stuck in the past. Your thoughts spin negative. You are not able to create a more positive future for yourself. In many respects you continue the abuse cycle. Only this time instead of the other person harming you, you are harming yourself. That is why forgiveness primarily helps YOU. It helps you let go, move on, and move forward in your life free from the negative impact of the person who wounded you in the first place.

But, it is also true that forgiveness requires being able to stand in a place of spiritual power. As Jesus conveyed, now that the other person has been given a second chance, they now have a responsibility with that chance to become a better person. I am reminded of the famous play and film Les Miserables, which is a major story of forgiveness. In this tale Jean val jon steals silver from the home of the priest and is caught. Though the priest could have easily sent Jean val Jon back to the labor camps, he did not. Instead, he forgave Jean val jon. But, in forgiving him he also requested what he now wanted from Jean val jon (which was the priest’s way of saying what he would be “getting” in return). He said, “With this silver I have bought your soul for God.” Meaning he now held Jean val jon responsible for waking up, setting things right, and becoming a better human being from now on. Thank God, Jean val jon did.

As I see it then real forgiveness requires a great deal of spiritual power and spiritual perspective. To get to this point you do need to use forgiveness to heal enough to embrace more your own value and dignity as a human being. Letting go of your pain will help you get there, which is why forgiveness is a tool that mostly helps you. Once healed and free from the wounds of the past as a powerful and dignified human being, you then have the responsibility to learn about how to better protect yourself from such hurtful behavior. Then, you need to develop the capacity to set boundaries so you prevent that person from wounding you anymore. And, if you can manage it, you can even learn to develop enough spiritual power that with dignity and grace you are able to convey to the person who has harmed you, that in being forgiven, they have a responsibilty to wake up and become a better person.

With these steps everyone gives, everyone gets, and balance is restored for the good of all.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

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The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. — Ghandi