Could Conditional Love Actually Be More Loving Than Loving Unconditionally?

Talk about unconditional love is growing, and I used to be an ardent believer.  But, I have come to wonder, if unconditional means no demands or limitations on others, is it really true that we can love without demanding something of others, or ourselves?  I often tell clients, “Love expands love.”  So, I wonder do we really serve others, and teach them to be more loving, by not having any demands or expectations of them?  

Think of ourselves for a moment.  The older I get the more interested I am in caring for my health and my body.  To really love myself on this level, I have been demanding that I limit myself to certain foods that deliver the best nutrition (i.e. love) to my body.  And, I have been demanding that I exercise more and learning how to do that within reason at the optimal level (which means knowing and respecting my limits when needed along these lines). 

I am also a mother of a son.  And, it’s true, I demand (or try to) that he do certain things, like not wander out into the streets in front of a car when he was young.  Or, love and respect himself enough to brush his teeth, eat healthier foods, get good grades, explore his potential, and do what he can to be a loving human being using his talents to make a positive impact in the world.

What if I did not demand such things of him?  Or, limit him from certain choices?  What if I said, “Sure, wander into the street when a car is coming, let your teeth rot out, eat lots of junk food, flunk out of school, don’t give a hoot about your potential, let alone fulfill it in life.”  That would be loving him unconditionally (no demands, no limits), but is that really love? 

Also, with my friends and clients, the truth is I love them enough to demand things of them.  Why?  Because I want them to be free from suffering.  I want them to make healthier choices.  I want them to be the glorious human beings they are.  And, yes, sometimes I push them, even demand of them, that they actualize all the bright wonderful qualities that I see in them.  The truth is they like this!  Even I use a personal trainer at the gym because I want someone to demand that I get fit.  I want him to limit my lazy behaviors so I don’t become a couch potato with endless excuses as to why I don’t need to be healthy in life. And, I certainly don’t pay him so he can just sit back and tell me, “You look great no matter what Lisa.  No need to workout with me.”

In fact, research is proving time and again that children and people actually do better, and feel better, when we demand certain things out of them.  I certainly do!  I have even gotten kind of listless and depressed in my life when people don’t demand enough of me.  It’s as if they don’t really believe in me, don’t care about me, feel I don’t matter, or don’t even love me very much.  Who wants that?

What then do we really mean when we say “unconditional love?”  I mean seriously, does such a thing really exist?  Think about this carefully. Life is full of conditions and limitations that can serve us and even help us to love ourselves and others if these demands and conditions are offered to us with compassionate concern.  Conditions, demands, and limitations only end up harming us if they are forced on us in a way that doesn’t serve our best interests, or if they are imposed on us in such a way they expect more out of us than we are capable of delivering, or damage our self-esteem. I for one (picky person with language that I am) think then that a far better phrase than giving others unconditional love would be saying that we are treating them with compassionate concern.   

Remember the right kind of limits and demands can help us to become better human beings.  They can even help us grow our hearts.  They can teach us to love and care for ourselves, others, and the entire Earth.  True, the wrong kind of limits and demands can retard our ability to love and short circuit our self-worth.  The effect?  We are filled with self-loathing and hate.  Then we either regress into a sense of inferiority and never reach our potential, or we leap into a feeling of superiority and in an attempt to wrongfully limit others we prevent them from reaching their potential as well.  But, that is simply offering conditions, demands, and limitations in an unskillful and unloving way. 

What this means then is that to love “conditionally” is actually a very skillful art!  It requires a great deal of discernment, wisdom, timing, skill, and compassion to set conditions in a loving way so that they expand the field of love. Hence, in the right way it could even be said that conditional love is a far higher form of love than unconditional love could ever be.  That is because too often people love “unconditionally” because they are simply too lazy, unskillful, unintelligent, or careless to know how to love others effectively. 

In my book it takes a lot of love and a lot of courage to request conditions in the right way.  The secret is to to genuniely be concerned about the well being of others and ourselves when we request them.  Then with that concern we need to be willing to expend the time, energy, and wisdom to help others grow through those conditions into a more expansive state of love.  And, we need to express our conditions and concerns compassionately.  Then others may not even be willing, but excited, to have those demands and limits imposed upon them.  Why?  Because they feel you really do love and care about them.  They also see the end results of living under such demands will be an increase in their abililty to reach their potential and become more loving and fantastic human beings.  I for one welcome this!  How about you?

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011  by Dr. Lisa Love.  All rights reserved. 

http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

 

 

 

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A Hug Fest & The Innocence of Genuine Love

Imagine opening a door and being greeted by five children ages 5 to 1 1/2 who don’t even know you, running to the door and smothering you with hugs.  As for me, I don’t have to imagine it.  It happened to me today.  I was visiting the home of a woman who was taking care of her elderly mother who also ran a day care center.  Right away when the door opened a 5 year old boy ran up to me and asked for a hug.  Years ago I used to work with small children.  I learned from that experience to always drop down to the eye level of a child when interacting with them, to help them feel more secure and loved.  So I responded to the boy by squatting down and he immediately fell into my arms and gave me a deep warm hug.  Lovingly I held him close and hugged him back.

That was followed by two of the other children (ages 4  & 3) leaping into the pile putting their arms around me.  So, I joyfully extended my arms and hugged us all closely together.  To my amazement the 2 year old made his way into the pile, and even the one and a half year old crawled up where I picked him up into my arms and then the five children and myself all hugged one another. 

Barely able to get in the door because the children were all over me, I tried to get inside further, and as I did the five children all lined up to one side from tallest to smallest like little ducklings, and all stood patiently in line wanting their own individual hug.  I went through the line and hugged each one of them.  Then they wanted another round of hugs, so I gladly obliged them.  This was followed by one more pile into my arms where we hugged again.  Then gingerly I stepped into the door lovingly untangling them from my legs as I attempted to walk.

Now remember something.  These children and myself were complete strangers.  And, yet it was one of the most amazing experiences of genuine love and caring I have ever had and possibly anyone will ever get.  And, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Why aren’t we all like this?  What has happened to us as we grow older that we don’t greet each other more in this fashion?”

Think about it.  What kind of world would this be if when we met each other for the first time we did so wide eyed with joy and full of love and trust, just wanting to give our love freely and simply to each other, and be loved that way in return?  What if we just automatically opened our hearts and held each other in a totally respectful, safe, and loving way?  No doubt we would feel like those children did.  We would all be so enraptured by it, we would just want to pile in. 

 What I also want to share is how during the hugging process I could literally feel the love radiating from my heart.  And, it felt as if I was absorbing the heart radiation of the children as well.  Sadly, I had to break the hug fest and attend to the conversation with the day care mother I had come to engage in.  But, no surprise as I moved back to the door to leave, the children lined up like ducks in a row and started their hug fest again. 

Again I happily obliged because in short it doesn’t get any better than this!

Share the love everyone!

Happy Holidays and a big hug to you all! 

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

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Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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Accessing Bliss – My Favorite Meditation

I’ve often told people that the best sex I ever had was when I was single blissing out in meditation.  And, here is one meditation I know of that helps get the whole body vibrating and buzzing.  Ironically, it is a meditation on death.  Or, to put it another way, it is a meditation on realization of Self, the Self that we all are, our Infinite Being.

Though I recommend that most meditations happen when we sit up, this one can also be done lying down.  And, though I don’t always recommend music with it, there are a few songs that have aided the process for me, tipping me over into an expanded state even more when combined with this meditation.  (Only problem is sometimes when I play those songs again they reactivate a small measure of this bliss state and trance me right out.  Not a good thing when driving.  Once I even discovered I had driven an hour the wrong way, before I knew where I was.  Wasn’t even sure who was driving the car the whole time before I realized where I was.  So, warning, do not listen to songs you use with the meditation while driving, as it may not be good for you).

Step One.  To begin with take several deep breaths.  As you inhale realize that you are Spirit breathing into the body.  You are not a body (or a person) breathing in Spirit.  Rather, you are like Spirit almost finding a way to breathe through this little air bubble known as you.  And, as you exhale experience the freedom of no longer being limited in the body, but rather freed from the limitations of the body once more.

 Step Two.  Continue to breathe in this way.  As you do so notice how with each inhale you are attempting to dissolve the body (or person), and with each exhale you have succeeded at this, dissolving the body and how it limits you as Spirit just a little bit more.

Step Three.  As you (Spirit) continue to dissolve the body feel a growing spaciousness in the body.  Get a sense of the body humming and vibrating.  Sense the space between the various atoms in the body, and sense that space getting wider and wider.

Step Four.  Eventually you may even start to experience your “body” as filling up more space, maybe even the entire space of the room you are in.  If so, expand your sense of “breathing” only this time start to dissove the space of the room.  Sense all the atoms in the room vibrating and sense you (Spirit) dissolving the restrictions of this space, until even the room cannot hold you.  Also, continue to experience the growing pulse of atoms vibrating and the space between atoms expanding.

Step Five.  Continue this expansion of the space.  As Spirit sense yourself filling up the whole building/home you are in and then dissolving it and expanding beyond it.  Then expand into the town you are in, the state, the country, until you feel as if the space you fill up takes up the entire planet.  As you go through each step get a greater and greater sense of the humming vibration and pulse of trillions or zillions of atoms.  Get a sense of the expanding state you as Spirit truly reside in.

Step Six.  Continue!  Only this time expand beyond the planet and fill up the space of the solar system.  Then see the sun go supernova expanding to consume and include the whole solar system in light.  Then realize this is only one solar system of many that you as Spirit are.  Begin to include hundreds and even millions of solar systems until you have expanded into a galaxy.  Then go beyond that, to consume, expand, and include millions and billions of galaxies. 

Step Seven.  Continue until you can go as far as you can go in your consumption, expansion, and inclusion of all as Spirit.  The Spirit that you are.  And, when you get to a point where the intensity of the vibration is too much (at times I feel my body will go through a radical combustion and explode into the space around me), just focus on the hum, the vibration.  Sense it.  Hear it.  BE IT.  For you are it.  When the echo of that hum and vibration finally ends, bring your focus back to your breathing in the body.  Take some time to just absorb all of this.  And, be extra careful when you get up and start your day.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:
http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

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Radical Honesty: A Way to Freedom

For one year in the 1980’s I practiced telling the truth in everything I said and did, including within my very thoughts.  It was a difficult year to try to discern how to tell the truth about what I thought and felt and be honest in a way that was tactful and kind.  One thing I did was follow the advise before speaking to ask, “Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?” 

To decipher this saying more clearly, I would ask myself, “Is what I am about to say really true?  Meaning is it really my truth?  Is it really the truth about the other person?  Is it colored by judgment, prejudice, assumptions?”  Taking time to consider this before speaking was very powerful.  Then I would ask, “Is it kind?  Meaning, is what I am saying said in a compassionate and thoughtful way?  Will it really serve the person by saying it?  Even if I do say it, will it help them grow, or just be a futile effort that will make them defensive, shatter their self-esteem, and run them down somehow?  Having taken time to evaluate this, is there still a way I can be honest and yet kind in what I am telling him or her?”  Finally, I would ask, “Is it necessary?  Meaning it this really the right time and place to tell this truth?  Or, is there a better time when the person will be more receptive to it, and therefore more likely to hear what I am saying?  Or, is it necessary for me to say this truth right now for my own peace of mind, self-esteem, and integrity?  If so, can I say it in the most thoughtful way?”

Since that year I have gone on to learn other approaches to truth telling, including that of Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication.  I’m still a newbie at this, but I find it a very powerful approach.  And, as of today, I was also blessed to discover a book called Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth by Brad Blanton.  You can read the Introduction to it on Amazon.com. 

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Honesty-Transform-Telling-Truth/dp/0440507545

 Along these lines here is what I also know.  According to an Eastern system of conscious development outlined by the seven chakras (or energy centers located in the body), the “throat center” (located in the throat area of course) is all about speaking, listening to, and hearing the truth.  In other words, when we learn to live in truth and speak in truth to each other it opens the gateway between the head and the heart centers.  Truth telling in the right way opens the gateway to a sense of oneness with others, a clear seeing of reality, and tapping into the universal source of love. 

When we don’t come from truth what are the results?  Brad Blanton lists quite a few in his book.  You can also find some in another excellent resource a book called The New IQ: How Integrity Intelligence Serves You, Your Relationships, and Our World by David Gruder.  http://www.amazon.com/New-IQ-Integrity-Intelligence-Relationships/dp/1604150130  Then there is another excellent resource in the well-known book The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz.  http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424505.  All these books help reveal something the chakra system also reflects, when we don’t live in truth we commit a kind of suicide.  As Blanton states lies are the major source of human stress.  Lies literally kill you.  (Or, as Merlin says in the movie Excaliber, “Everytime a man lies he murders a part of the world.”). 

Think about it.  If your throat center is closed off so is your ability to listen as well as speak and sing well.  With a closed throat you can’t take in the same amount of air into your lungs.  Unable to breath your anxiety level shoots up and your circulation shuts down.  (No wonder so many people compensate for throat center problems and anxiety by smoking.  Is it a desparate attempt to deal with the anxiety that happens from not living in integrity and telling the truth?  Is it one of the only ways they know how to get air into their lungs?).  Worse, once your circulation is cut off so is the blood flow to your heart blocked.  And, if the heart center is about loving and being loved, then in fact lying (especially hiding, which is Blanton states is the worst form of lying) is killing your chances for love in your life.  Maybe that is why people react so much to lies.  It hurts to know that people don’t love themselves or us enough to be open, honest, to tell the truth.

Ok.  Knowing this I confess, unlike the year I was totally rigorous in my truth telling, due to some stressful times in my life I started to find that it was easier at times to hide, fudge, or lie about the little things in my life.  (For example, I might fudge and say I am late to a meeting because traffic got in the way, instead of confessing I was late getting out the door because I was unmotivated to go).  But, when I do this the immediate result is I feel lousy.  Fortunately, I have been exercising my truth telling muscles long enough that I rarely keep even a minor untruth hidden for long.  And, as of late I have been going back to my practice of practicing truth telling no matter what.  (For example, I can say that I was late getting out the door, but I’m working on getting my life more organized so it won’t happen anymore.  Or, I can have a conversation with myself or a trusted counselor friend of mine and explore the resistance I am having to attending the meeting and see what I can do about that so I either get more responsible in my commitments or take responsibility to get out of them and not make them in the first place).

The end result of truth telling?  I feel better about myself.  I feel better about my life.  I sleep better at nights.  My friends know that they can count on me to be honest, even if it doesn’t always make me look good (which may be a relief as all of us at some level see through the lies we are telling ourselves.  Better to just get them out!  In makes us easier to be around). 

Another strange effect of truth telling I have noticed lately from a law of attraction perspective, the truth about myself and others literally lands in our laps.  In fact, a week ago I was talking to someone who I suspected was lying to me about something.  At that moment, that person was inspired to hand me his cell phone.  He wanted me to hear a song on his IPhone.  And, just as he handed it to me, a text message appeared from someone totally validating that he was lying to me.  He was shocked and upset at being caught in such a strange way.  And, I was disappointed that he still couldn’t just be honest with me.

 On a final note, consider this.  We are living in an increasingly transparent world.  The truth gets out there someway, somehow!  Maybe it is time them for all of us to stop living in fear and start telling the truth to ourselves and others in a compassionate, thoughtful, and even humorous way.  Remember love and fear cannot co-exist in the same space.  As for me?  I’m all for love.  Let’s get honest with each other.  We are after all worth it!

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love.  All rights reserved. 

 http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

 Feel free to share but please keep the whole thing in tact including my website info.

Giving Up the Romantic Illusion and Finding Real Love

This has been said again and again, down through the ages. All the religious people have been saying this: “We come alone into this world, we go alone.” All togetherness is illusory. The very idea of togetherness arises because we are alone, and the aloneness hurts. We want to drown our aloneness in relationship…. That’s why we become so much involved in love. Try to see the point. Ordinarily you think you have fallen in love with a woman or with a man because she is beautiful, he is beautiful. That is not the truth. The truth is just the opposite: you have fallen in love because you cannot be alone. You were going to fall. You were going to avoid yourself somehow or other. And there are people who don’t fall in love with women or men–then they fall in love with money. They start moving into money or into a power trip, they become politicians. That too is avoiding your aloneness. If you watch man, if you watch yourself deeply, you will be surprised–all your activities can be reduced to one single source. The source is that you are afraid of your aloneness. Everything else is just an excuse. The real cause is that you find yourself very alone.

Osho Take it Easy, Volume 2 Chapter 1

Commentary:

Some enchanted evening you’re going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong! This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and “at one” with our mothers; it’s no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it’s amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. Nobody, whether it’s your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter–nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us.

From the Osho Zen Tarot

 

Available at http://www.osho.com/

What Is Love?

What is love? Though love exists to some degree in everything, how many of us can say we know what love really is, let alone claim that we have truly loving people in our lives?

In many ways attempting to know what love is, is like understanding what makes up really nutritious food. There can be some debate, but in general a consensus is getting clearer. In regards to food it is best if it is fresh, organically grown, free of toxins, carefully raised, given plenty of light and nutrients, and appreciated every step of the way. In short it is full of love. And, should the way we enter into and sustain relationships with each other be any different? Is it possible to learn to absorb into our bodies and radiate from them only love?

I’m an idealist who believes it is possible. Yet, as a realist I see all around me what I have previously called ” junk food sex, junk food love, junk food relationships.” What do these look like? They are rapidly formed, quickly consumed, easily disposed of, thoughtlessly digested, and overall increase the likelihood of us becoming “fat” or “insensitive” to our own hearts and the hearts of others. Ultimately, they numb us out, slow us down, and make us sick. Yet, they give us a quick high and a belief for a few minutes (or if we are lucky a few hours), that love might exist as we attempt to ward off the increasing anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, and regret that we have not been loved, or fully loved.

What then is love? Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that love is sacrfice. Not “spiritual love” is sacrifice. LOVE IS sacrifice. Yet, the notion of sacrifice is something people are increasingly adverse to, which means they are also increasingly adverse to love. Maybe that is why the culture of “having it all” has become so popular, even if it means in the greedy quest to do so we destroy the lives of others, who we care-less-ly run over, take advantage of, pretend we are superior to, or consume.

Which brings me to these words I heard yesterday from the philosopher Krishnamurti. Though the meaning is not new to me, the powerful way they were put together really hit me. He says,”A word like love has become sexual, sensory, sensuous. With it goes pleasure, fear, anxiety, dependence. But love is in no way related to jealousy, pleasure, fear or sorrow. It is total responsibility not only to yourself but to the whole of life.”

Let me say it again.

It is total responsibility not only to yourself but to the whole of life.

Wow! If that is what love may be, then what does this mean? What does it mean to create a world where we are not simply responsible for ourselves, but to the whole of life? Why? Because as loving human beings WE ARE THE WHOLE OF LIFE! Only as that realization enters into every pore of our being, can compassion arise. That compassion, Krishnamurti says, “has the quality of love and great intelligence and that is the only solutuon that will solve all of life’s problems.”

Not self-improvement, not more money, not greater fame, more sex, a greater variety of entertainments. In fact, Krishnamurti states that the more we choose to distract ourselves in these ways the more we are demonstrating to ourselves and others, how little love we experience in our lives. In essence he shares how all conflict arises from our attempts to isolate and separate from each other. The more conflict we have, the more we attempt to compensate for it through the exploitation of one another (sexually, monetarily, for security, status, and so forth).

In fact, he asserts that almost all relationships are based on exploitation. And, he talks about how that exploitation is geared towards using others in the very misguided search to increase our personal happiness. Yet, there is no happiness devoid of the happiness of those around us, because in truth we are interdependent, we are ONE. To want happiness as a separate part from others, is like my little finger wanting all the blood in my body to flow to it alone. The rest of my body doesn’t fare too well if it does that. In fact, the little finger doesn’t do too well either as it kills the rest of the body it depends upon off.

So, ironically, our individualized happiness quest is only creating more and more suffering on the Earth. But, instead of learning to love one another, we increase our exploitation of each other. And, when we don’t get what we want from each other we divert ourselves (through sex, work, drugs, affairs, tv, video games, etc). Yet, all these distractions really don’t solve anything except to briefly numb out the fact that we have become too isolated and disconnected.

So conflicts continue. Why? Because we are void of the presence of love.

How do we know we are in the presence of love with each other, or with ourselves? Krishnamurti says, “Love is only present in relationships when there is deep caring, affection, responsibility for one another.” And, he also says, “As love expands so does our drive to know how to intelligently & compassionately care for and be responsible to the whole of life we are.”

Now, I don’t know how you react when you read this and really let it seep into the depths of your soul, but I will share how I reacted all day long – I wept. Yes, for hours I’ve been crying my eyes out. Or at least I’ve had numerous episodes of mascara running down my face as I kept crying in the car while attempting to do my shopping, run my errands, and while doing my best to hold myself together while talking to my clients.

In many ways weeping is what I am doing now. Why? Because when I really consider how little time we spend to genuinely connect with one another, care deeply for each other, make sacrifices for each other, feel and act responsibly for each other, look into each other’s eyes and validate each other, and take the time to really know, deeply know one another, everywhere I went today it was painfully obvious how little of that human beings are doing.

Think about it. How much of your day is all about you? Your need to make money, run errands, look good, entertain and distract yourself, make yourself “happy” all day long?

Now, how much of it is about others? Go one step further. How much are others making their lives about you? Not in a codependent way, but in a truly loving, caring, and genuine way?

Truly, how many people did you make sacrifices for (and joyfully so) today, this month, this year? How many people make those same joyful sacrifices (of time, attention, caring, affection, real seeing and validation of your inner being) for you?

Thinking about the world we have created, versus the one we could be creating caused me to weep. At a very deep level I felt the grief of how we have built a culture (lives) that only increases seperation and isolation, at the expense of love. Yet, in weeping I also felt hope, a deep hope that we can re-create a culture where happiness is based upon love! To be truly rich, to be truly happy is to have plenty of relationships where you are known and cherished at a deep level, and where you know and cherish others at a deep level as well. When we will on mass wake up to this? In my heart of hearts I hope very soon.

So, for now, I will dry my eyes once more and be grateful that at some level I know as we understand what love really is, we will be able to attract that real love to us more than ever before. Then together we can weep, dry our tears, and stand hand to hand, heart to heart in this realization of Oneness, where we joyfully take responsibility for one another. We joyfully love.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:
http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

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Feel free to Share this post on Facebook. You may also share it on other websites and Ezines provided you include everything above, the article and all the information about how to reach me via my website and pick up free gifts as well. Thank you.

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Musings of a Modern Mystic – Enlightenment

In 1989 my reality was shattered as I went through a series of experiences that lasted for months. For the next ten years I spent nearly all my energy and time attempting to understand all that had occurred. And, though I intend to finally begin to share these experiences with the public in coming years, I will summarize my main understanding here.

Enlightenment is an experience that reveals at the deepest level that we are ONE with all.

And, actually to say “we are ONE” is misleading as it implies disunity in unity. Still, the illusion of separation persists. “I” Lisa continue to have a seemingly separate body and life from the “I” that is Oneness. For me personally, learning to integrate this paradox has been another substantial challenge, especially living in Western society with its extreme focus on independence and having a separate self.

That separate sense of self also leads to a number of seeming entitlements, especially from a Law of Attraction point of view. Challenging these entitlements was the purpose of my BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power & the Law of Attraction book. Because the Law of Attraction as overwhelmingly taught is based upon the false notion of a separate self entitled to attract and get whatever it wants. And, because the Universe is abundant we are supposed to not worry about this approach. That is like identifying with only my hand at the expense of my whole body and thinking it is ok for my hand to suck up all the blood for its own benefit alone. This is not only an unenlightened approach, it flies in the face of everything enlightenment reveals to you. It flies in the face of love itself.

And, here is the secret… LOVE is what is abundant! That is what enlightenment reveals. Attracting love because you ARE love is what matters most in your life, so you can be the manifestation of love that you are!

How to do this, be the love that you are, has been the increased challenge of my life since my 1989 experiences, and at least on the path I have been on that has not always been easy. Despite popular notions enlightenment experiences do not wash away all the life difficulties of your small seemingly separated self. My own life taught me that, which is why I like books like After the Ecstasy, the Laundry by Jack Kornfield and Halfway up the Mountain a compliation by various spiritual authors. We still need to live in this world within all its joys and sorrows and learn how to love and be loved within it. At least, that has been my learning, which I am increasingly willing to finally share with you.

Side note: Popular modern teachers I feel resonate most with my approach to a spiritual use of the law of attraction found in my BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power & the Law of Attraction book because they seem to have a deeper understanding of the experience of Oneness. And, I feel that get that is it is important to use the law of attraction to attract based upon the Oneness you are, not the little self you confuse yourself to be.

* Jack Kornfield
* Wayne Dyer
* Deepak Chopra
* Marianne Williamson
* Eckhart Tolle
* Bryon Katie
* Ram Dass

And, so many spiritually realized teachers who have influenced my life not listed above who I will talk about more in posts to come.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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Abuse Under the Guise of Spirituality & How to Spot It

Recently, I was working with a client who informed me she was dating a man who happened to be a well-known life coach and spiritual teacher in the area. She conveyed that she was excited to be going out with him, but worried about some of his behaviors that seemed very abusive and disrespectful to her. (Including laying down on the ground when first saying hello to her, looking up her dress at her underwear, and then complaining how they weren’t sexy enough for him, and how she better start changing things if he was going to continue to go out with her. Plus, he was telling her how stupid she was, and most of his workshop participants were, and how he hated stupid people who couldn’t act as enlighted as he did). Despite these and other behaviors she related to me that he was participating in, because of his “spiritual” status, she doubted her own judgment telling me to my astonishment, “He’s the spiritual one, what do I know?”

She is not the first person to confuse power, status, and influence over others as a sign of spirituality. In all religions we see the same thing, abusive behaviors get ignored because the person engaging in them is supposed to have superior power, knowledge, personal or spiritual status. Even if they are doing blantantly insensitive and abusive things, it is hard for followers to believe that somebody so enlightened could behave in such a manner. So, they tell themselves, who are we to judge the motivations and behaviors of people who are supposed to be more evolved than we are?

Yet, when you understand the abuse dynamic more clearly where ever it shows up (at home, in the office, in the corporate boardroom, among the rich & famous, or the so-called spiritual), it isn’t that hard to spot, confront, overcome, and avoid abuse. So, what are the signs of abusive behavior?

To begin with abuse is first and foremost based upon an egotistic and entitled view regarding others and the world. In short, I am more special, evolved, intelligent, rich, powerful, beautiful and/or spiritual than you. Because of this, I am entitled to certain privleges that you are not. And, in my quest to satisfy my “feel good” (to use a law of attraction popular phrase), I can pretty much do what I want without any regard for how it impacts you. After all, I am responsible for creating my reality, and you are responsible for creating yours, and if you don’t like what I’m doing, or how I am treating you, too bad for you! Get over it already! Moron!

The problem with this spiritual view is it avoids a deeper understanding of what spirituality is all about. It takes a celebrity view of spirituality that links spirituality to power, status, a chosen few, and winners over losers. This view of spirituality produces a culture of specialness. Once I am more special than you, I am also more entitled to get my needs met, even at the expense of yours. Sadly, when this occurs spirituality is divorced from a greater sense of unity and at-one-ment, where meeting my needs at the expense of yours, is akin to harming myself, since we are essentially, one. Now, spirituality is about me being “above and better than you”, giving me a mindset that tells me I can meet my needs no matter what even by abusing, controlling, and disrespecting others. Why? Because since I am entitled to getting whatever I want no matter what, I am not even doing anything wrong when I am acting in abusive ways. Thus, my abuse over others is justified. But, it doesn’t have to be this way. Once you understand that spirituality is not about entitlement, superiority, power, fame, money, and getting my needs met at your expense, abuse is not that hard to spot.

To understand more about how abuse operates let’s get real clear about the following in the following note:

Three Distinctions Between Abusive & Non- Abusive Mindsets & Behaviors

Want help with the above? Check out my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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How Do You Spell Love? T – I – M – E – A Remedy for Healing Heartbreak

For the past five years I’ve been single again after a rocky marriage that didn’t go as I had hoped. At first, I was filled with enthusiasm as I looked forward into the future to get a fresh start at love. But, as many of you might have discovered, starting over isn’t always easy. In short, there are a lot of wounded hearts out there. And, when all these wounds bump into each other it can be hard to know how to create a healing balm. Well, here is one solution. Love.

But, in this article I am speaking about a particular kind of love, one that I first learned about many years ago when passing by a church billboard. It said simply, “How do you spell love? T – I – M – E.” That gave me a lot to reflect on. You see time is about bonding, or connecting, which is what two of my favorite relationship counselors, Pat Love and Steven Stosney share in their brillant book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.”

This is true whetherthe time spent it is between partners, parents and children, friends, or co-workers. And, it isn’t just a matter of quality time, it’s time, period! As another favorite saying of mine relates, “Time is priority, we always have time for our priorities in life.” Meaning, if you want to know if something or someone is a priority to you, look at how much time you invest in that person or activity.

On a personal level, I really got to experience how time heals in recent years. But, understand that I am not talking about taking time apart so that bonds can dissolve, but spending time together to lift everything up into a state of love, whether you keep things at a partnership, or just friend level.

One example of this especially stands out in my mind. It concerns a relationship I had with a man for a few years, that for various reasons didn’t work out. Though at first we needed some time to pass apart from each other to cool things down and to heal our hurt, what really mended our hearts was making a commitment to spend loving time together. Not so we could become a couple again, but to honor what love had been shared between us. Believe me, it worked!

The time together consisted of casual lunches, a few movies out, some early evening dinners, karoke, and friendly chats on the phone. The goal was not to get back together, but to find a way to honor one another and help us remember the love that was shared between us. Over a series of months of doing this, the “salve” worked and our wounds were healed. Today a loving friendship exists because we took time to heal one another, and lift ourselves back into a state of love. (Michael – thanks for taking the time to help us heal so we could move forward in a healthy way and be free to love others).

Now, I know sometimes this isn’t always practical. If we are speaking about relationships that are over, it could be one or both people have moved on with someone else. Then, you need to have an understanding partner who respects what the two of you are attempting to do. Strange as it sounds many years ago, I was actually invited to meet with a former boyfriend and his new girlfriend to be involved in such a healing process. Upon their request I took the time to drive from Los Angeles to Sacramento where they lived. There we spent three days together. During that time, I was able to bring love, compassion, and respect to the man who had never fully let me go, though we had not been a couple for years. And, I was able to bond with his new girlfriend, who finally saw first hand that I was truly not a threat. To my amazement she and I became fast friends as we spent time together. There were tears, but also there was a lot of laughter between us. I still have the picture that the man took of her and I holding each other in a loving hug just as I was about to go back home. I have never forgotten how powerful it was to spend that kind of loving time together. (Marvin and Olga – I still remember this, thank you for your gift of love).

You see in a world where more and more people feel abandoned and neglected, and where people are increasingly preoccupied with spending time at work, making a living, or vegging out in front of the television, too many of us are not spending the time together to bond, connect, and share our love. We are not holding each other, laughing enough together, greeting each other with a warm hello.

So, let me ask you this. Especially as we move into the holiday season, is there someone in your life you need to spend time with to bring about a healing? A partner, parent, child, co-worker, friend, former loved one that you are now estranged from? If so, here is what I recommend. Make a commitment to take some time to be together. Make your healing and reconnection a priority in your life. Don’t let other priorities dominate and crowd out the time you have set aside to do this, or you will end up increasing the sense of abandonment and hurt all over again. Then, the healing will become even more difficult.

And, if you choose to do this here are some ground rules.

1. Set aside time to be together.
2. Know that the goal is to help each other heal.
3. Don’t discuss hurts at first. Just keep it casual.
4. Reconnecting in public is a good idea to start. Lunches are best at the beginning.
5. If you were partners once, refrain from anything sexual. This is not an attempt to rekindle a relationship at this point, it is only about healing past hurts.
6. As much as possible, as you are first reconnecting, keep the time spent to a minimum, but be sure to make the time you spend together consistent! Long gaps, or broken commitments regarding spending healing time together, will only create more hurt.
7. If the two of you do want to talk about any hurt caused between the two of you, don’t do it until you have had at least five casual reconnections, maybe even as many as seven. Remember the goal at first is connection, not communication.
8. If someone feels sensitive, or mistrusts your intention to spend healing time together, know that time spent in the right way will help that as well. Share that you care about that person. Let them know you want to spend some time with them. Pick something to do together that the two of you would enjoy. (And, remember I am talking about parents spending time with children, and friends spending time with friends, not just former partners healing hurts together).

Ultimately, I have found in my own experience that this kind of healing time really works. But, remember to be consistent in doing this. Set a regular time if you need to. And, stick to the rules to not discuss any hurt between you until you have had consistent casual time together.

Believe me, this works. And, what better thing to do over the holidays than to mend hurts with the people you love (and once loved), than to let them fester any longer.

Want more help? Also, consider this book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.” Or, call me for a counseling session. Information about how to contact me is available at my website. http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

Happy Healing to You!

Blessings and love,

Lisa

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

The Consequences for the Married Person Having an Affair

Though it is easy find reasons to condemn the married person who has an affair, I prefer the approach of insight, compassion, love, and wisdom that I am offering here. To begin with there are many reasons why people enter into an affair. They include — the need for excitement, a feeling of loneliness, a desire for sexual exploration, the need to be affirmed as a person, and at times a genuine feeling of love for the person the married individual is having an affair with.

Having said this before I go through the list again above and offer insight and understanding, I will share a basic teaching that is part of most advanced psychology degree programs. It is called “triangulation.” This very fancy word simply means when two people are in conflict with each other, they attempt to form a triangle (find a third person) to relieve their need to confront each other and their stress.

If I am married to you and our marriage is no longer exciting to me, I am lonely, I want more sexual variety, or I believe you are not affirming, valuing, and paying attention to me enough — it seems much easier for me to have an affair than to communicate to you about what I am going through so we can work on healing this together. Or, it seems easier to have an affair than to face the painful truth that our relationship needs to come to an end. (That is what the woman in that commercial is thinking when she is too afraid to confront her husband about his abusive and disrespectful behavior. At the end of the commercial she looks over at another man and thinks, “Hmmm… this might be better.” The commercial ends by saying “When divorce is not an option.” I prefer it would say, “When your love for yourself and others is way too low to be honest, we believe deception seems the only way out.”)

Though “triangulation” always seems to provide immediate relief, it can complicate things in a much more extreme way as the triangulation continues because now THREE (instead of two people) need to have their feelings, needs, desires, communicated and expressed. Plus, triangulation frequently involves deception. If I don’t know how to be honest, if I don’t know how to be truthful with you (because I am afraid and don’t have the courage to do the loving and right thing), then more than likely I will be dishonest with myself and all others I am with (spouse, lover, business partners, friends, family, etc.)

The layers and layers of dishonesty can lead to some bizarre acts of deception. (Like traveling to Argentina to see your mistress, while pretending to everyone around you that you are on a “hike on the Applachian Trail.”) That dishonesty also leads to physical ailments, intense bouts of guilt and shame, and the eventual killing off of your joyful nature and spiritual soul. Most sadly of all it creates a diminshed capacity to love — yourself and everyone else around you.

What might some of the remedies be for triangulation? Obviously, honesty is the number one thing that is needed. If in your attempt to be honest your partner is abusive, uncooperative, unfeeling, and is unable to have true compassion or understanding regarding what you are sharing with them, then at the very least counseling is advised with someone very skilled to help you through it. If this still doesn’t work, divorce may have to be an option. And, if it comes to this I encourage you as much as possible to make it a PEACEFUL DIVORCE. (See www.divorce-inaday.com to learn how lawyers will prey on couples who are divorcing to keep them fighting and hostile as a way to ensure lawyers get paid $300 to $400 an hour, while destroying your pocketbook, equity, and family in the process).

And, what about that rare event where a married person really does find his soulmate? As I say in my book, BEYOND THE SECRET, soul mating can only happen between two soulful people. All the rest is ego. Then, ideally the married person, spouse, and even the “other man or woman” all need to be considered in the process. As do the children and all other factors involved. True, I have seen two couples (a married person and someone outside the relationship) who made it and eventually ended up together. But, they went through a process few people want to participate it. They sought at the highest level to love and understand each other. They made every attempt to be harmless to everyone involved. The end result was that they expanded the circle of love for all.

But, how many people can play at that high conscious loving level? Extremely few. Which is why the majority of married people who leave their spouse to marry the “other man or woman” find themselves ending that relationship faster than they ever imagined. (Most likely because they were infatuated and stuck on the “high” of the romance in their affair, over really learning to love, cherish, and value each other flaws and all).

In the end, what is most important to me is that no matter what happens people learn to love! That love requires courage, honesty, compassion, insight, wisdom, and more. To married, unmarried, and every person I wish an abundance of this to all.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Check out my NEW BOOK: SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad Buy the book and receive bonus gifts at my website.

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

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