He’s Rich, She’s Hot! So What? – Beyond Appearances Towards Real Love

It’s the stereotypical trade – sex objects for success objects. Attractive women (or men) for wealthy men (or women). This barter of status (looks and wealth) is ancient and deeply ingrained in the human psyche. And, it is pitched to us as the ideal over and over again in the media (television, movies, magazines). Yet, as many wealthy and beautiful people know who have entered into this bargain (I once did it myself in my youth), it doesn’t lead to love or happiness. So, why do we keep valuing this superficial approach that in truth has nothing to do with love? In fact, when we approach people in this superfical manner, we almost guarantee that real love will elude us in the process.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with being physically appealing or having lots of money. Beauty can inspire. Wealth can be used to accomplish great good. But, those with beauty and wealth know too well the chronic heartbreak that happens when people desire you only for your externals. It could even be said that those with extreme beauty or wealth have more difficulty finding real love than others do. Because they tend to be pursued more for their external value, they must have and apply more rigorous discernment to be sure they are being loved for who they truly are as persons.

And, to do so they must (as we all must) be willing to drop the focus on external qualities a person has, and shift more towards desiring the internal qualities a person posessess that can lead us to a truly joyful, happy, loved, and loving life. I am reminded for example of a dating service I am aware of (there are plenty like the one I know), that is set up primarily to accomplish the looks for wealth trade amongst potential partners. I am also reminded of my own early years where I mistakenly entered into this kind of trade and learned the hard way how it didn’t serve anybody. And, I am especially reminded of the stories I have heard now from clients for decades who fell into this external emphasis and suffered a great deal for having done so.

Now, I am a realist. I understand human nature. I am used to my clients telling me in an excited tone of voice when they meet a potential partner, “She is so hot. I could just look at her beauty all day long.” Or, “He is so rich. He has his own private plane. He owns several homes.”

But, my training and years of experience have also taught me a lot about the painful road they are traveling down. That is why when I hear these statements I sigh inwardly, knowing that sooner rather than later, trouble will be at their door.

Why? Again, there is nothing wrong with beauty. It can be very inspiring to have a partner who is physically attractive to us. And, wealth can help us accomplish a great deal of good in life if we have access to it. But, when we start out being thrilled about externals, and when we focus on what others can give us especially in the way of status, the ego has pretty much taken over. That very same ego only leads to much heartbreak down the road.

A wealthy friend of mine has a saying I would like to share with you to bring some proof. He calls it the Cindy Crawford syndrome. (She was the supermodel who was in vogue at the time he was young). What is the Cindy Crawford, or supermodel, syndrome? It’s the classic problem externally based ego driven people often face when they put the emphasis on externals like beauty.

Because they care more about the status a person brings them, instead of caring truly for the person, even if they marry a supermodel they remain discontent. That is why before too long he will be trading in a supermodel girlfriend for a new one. (Tiger Woods anyone?). Well, Tiger is not alone. And, you don’t have to have wealth to fall victim to putting the emphasis on externals, any egotistical selfish person will be prone to do so.

That is also why I take a deep breath and say a little prayer when I hear women gushing about how much money a man spends on them, or can bring to their lives. Again, I can’t blame them for being misguided. I was too at one point. I married the wrong person in a trade of my youthful looks for sizable wealth in hopes that it would bring the happiness and security I longed for. It didn’t. In fact, my brief years in that marriage were some of the most unhappy of my life. Why? Because despite his money and my looks, we were not at all compatible with each other. And, neither one of us bothered to ask the kinds of questions that I will share with you now.

Questions To Answer In Your Quest for Real Love.

1. Do I genuinely enjoy and admire this person, even if he/she were not wealthy or good looking?
2. Do we share the same vision of what we want our lives to be like? And, does that vision help to create a better world for lots of people around us?
3. Do we have a lot of things in common (after all even though opposites attract, time and again, research shows that long lasting happy relationships and marriages happen between people who are more alike than different).
4. Does this person possess integrity? Can he/she be trusted to keep his/her word?
5. Is this person free from obsessions, addictions, and abusive patterns (emotionally, physically, financially) showing they are capable of being a happy loving person, able to give that happiness and love to someone else?
6. Is this person a naturally unselfish person? Do they treat others with care and respect no matter what their status in life?
7. How does this person treat me? Forget about how much money he/she spends on me. Forget about how much he/she turns me on physically. How does he/she treat me regarding the little things in life? How good of a human being is this person?
8. Does this person value who I am mainly in terms of the service I am here to bring to the world? And, will he/she help me make the contibution with my talents I am meant to?
9. Is this person capable of making sacrifices, joyfully and willingly, especially since the ability to joyfully sacrifice for the well being of others demonstrates that this person knows how to truly love?
10. What kind of spiritual qualities does this person possess, especially in regards to being fair, truthful, compassionate, open-minded, naturally joyful, loving, and concerned for welfare of others?

Of course, there are additional questions that could be asked. But, how much more I would delight if someone would tell me, “He/she is such a good person. He/she has such a kind heart. We share so many things in common. People genuinely admire him/her. He/she can be trusted to keep his/her word. He/she treats me really well. And, by the way, he/she is my ideal of good looking. It is so much fun how he/she really turns me on. And, he/she has the financial means that allows us both use that wealth wisely to help create a better world.”

Then, I would smile with joy and wish them well. I would feel that they were learning to bless each other and this world with the presence of their real love. But, most of all, I would know that at some point, sooner or later they would not be calling me on the phone with the classic story I hear one too many times of how despite all they have in life in terms of looks, status, or wealth, they feel lonely, empty, betrayed, sad, angry, and abandoned once more because they did not get the real love they were looking for.

Yes, real love. That is what is it really all about. And, that is what I wish for them, for myself, and for the entire world.

Copyright by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Want to learn how to ATTRACT & KEEP REAL LOVE? Go to the link below.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attract_love_group_coaching.html

Love Myth: Love is Blind. Love Truth: Love is Consciousness

It’s a common saying, “Love is blind.” And, it’s a phrase that has been stated by numerous well known people. Many movies also proclaim it. Yet, is this really true? Or, is it just another myth about love that prevents us from knowing what love really is, and therefore, stops us from attracting real love into our lives?

Perhaps it helps by understanding what people generally mean when they say “love is blind.” Typically, they are saying that they are willing to overlook certain things that annoy them. Or, that they are “crazy in love” with someone, so regardless of obvious negative traits the person possesses, they willfully blindly ignore them. They may even be saying that they don’t want to know what the other person is really like, as it will upset their capacity to love them anymore.

What is all of this really saying to us? Yes, it can be a good to learn how to overlook certain things in a relationship that may disturb the overall balance of love. But, are you really overlooking them, or putting them in perspective, which means you see them clearly, but decide in the larger scheme of the relationship and of love, that they are really not the most important things to focus on? Unless of course, they are! Because too often people overlook problems in a relationship that are really acting like “acid on the pipe” (a phrase my clients know me to use often). Why “acid on the pipe?” Because though they seem minor, they have the power to erode even the strongest metal, or foundation of a relationship. And, no loving relationship is helped by problems being ignored in such a way the very foundation of love within the relationship is gradually destroyed.

In fact. this unwise overlooking of the truth by chosing to remain blind has created problems for nearly everyone. It is the main reason “love” often ends tragically (which means in truth love wasn’t very present to begin with, blindness was). Why is this? Because in the name of “love” we overlook numerous red flags that will obviously lead to serious problems later on. These include abusive and addictive patterns, irresponsible handling of career and finances, obvious disregard for the feelings and needs of others, codependent patterns and more. Instead of generating love, this willful overlooking of negative behaviors feeds the lack of love. (Remember this one, I Lack Love, or I.L.L., which is the end result). What would love really require in these situations? Quite honestly, it would require the courage to look at these problematic behaviors head on, and in a loving way (for yourself and others) insist they be dealt with and resolved.

But, when we willfully ignore reality, and turn a “blind eye” to what our loved ones are doing, this isn’t love. It’s fear. Fear of finding out the truth. Fear of not knowing how to handle the truth if it is revealed. Fear of being left alone if love requires the loving removal of negative people and behaviors from your life. Fear of having to confront the unloving aspects of yourself. In all these examples, fear dominates, love does not. And, where fear exists, love cannot be present. The two simple can’t reside together, because love is one of the main things that overcomes fear to begin with.

What we discover then is that love is far from blind, it is conscious. As I am frequently known to say, it requires 20/20 vision. It requires the courage to see clearly. As we see clearly, it then requires the wisdom to love in the most intelligent and powerful way whatever (or whoever) comes into our lives. How do we know we are loving in an intelligent and powerful way? Simple. We expand within ourselves and others the capacity to love. That requires, however, knowing what love entails, something we will continue to learn in our discovery of real love. So, let us finally once and for all put the “love is blind” myth on the shelf! So, that real love is something we can finally invite fully, and consciously, into our lives.

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

WANT TO ATTRACT & KEEP REAL LOVE IN YOUR LIFE? Learn more at the link below.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attract_love_group_coaching.html

Forgiving, Forgetting, & Boundary Setting

Is it really possible, or practical, to forgive and forget if someone is only going to repeat abusive and harmful behaviors? It is, but it requires a little more clarity on the entire process of boundary setting in conjunction with forgiveness.

In the past several years I have become even more savvy on the dynamics of abuse. I have also become aware of how abusers pretty much count on people forgiving them and forgetting about the harm they cause as a way to escape from the consequences of their destructive behaviors.

Which is why I want to draw upon the Christian teachings I was raised on. Because to me Jesus is a major example of forgiveness. Yet, when Jesus famously forgave those around him, at one point he also proclaimed, “Go and sin no more.” In other words, all of us, when we are given the blessing of forgiveness, have at the same time a responsibility to become more conscious of our destructive patterns. And, once aware of them, we need to actively move to change our behaviors so we sin (or harm ourselves and others) no more.

What about forgetting then? Though I have no idea what the roots are of the words forgiving and forgetting, it has not passed by me that the words can easily be broken into “for – giving” and “for – getting.” Looked at this way I can almost imagine acient folks looking at two people who have harmed each other, and then telling them to both step into the center of the room for the purpose of “giving” and “getting.” Or, to put it more simply for the sake of apologizing and making restitution with each other so the scales of justice (or karma) are set right.

Yet, sadly forgiving and forgetting has often turned into, “Ok, I’ll be a nice person and let you off the hook entirely. You don’t have to get conscious. You don’t have to change your behaviors. I’ll just let the whole thing go. And, you can go on being hurtful like you were before.” Quite frankly this is the fundamental reason why abusive relationships continue. Abusive people never have to suffer any consequences for their destructive behaviors. And, their forgiving spouses (who continue to ignore the abuse) end up getting hurt again and again and again.

So, what is the better way to forgive? First, it is true, when you don’t forgive you remain stuck in the past. Your thoughts spin negative. You are not able to create a more positive future for yourself. In many respects you continue the abuse cycle. Only this time instead of the other person harming you, you are harming yourself. That is why forgiveness primarily helps YOU. It helps you let go, move on, and move forward in your life free from the negative impact of the person who wounded you in the first place.

But, it is also true that forgiveness requires being able to stand in a place of spiritual power. As Jesus conveyed, now that the other person has been given a second chance, they now have a responsibility with that chance to become a better person. I am reminded of the famous play and film Les Miserables, which is a major story of forgiveness. In this tale Jean val jon steals silver from the home of the priest and is caught. Though the priest could have easily sent Jean val Jon back to the labor camps, he did not. Instead, he forgave Jean val jon. But, in forgiving him he also requested what he now wanted from Jean val jon (which was the priest’s way of saying what he would be “getting” in return). He said, “With this silver I have bought your soul for God.” Meaning he now held Jean val jon responsible for waking up, setting things right, and becoming a better human being from now on. Thank God, Jean val jon did.

As I see it then real forgiveness requires a great deal of spiritual power and spiritual perspective. To get to this point you do need to use forgiveness to heal enough to embrace more your own value and dignity as a human being. Letting go of your pain will help you get there, which is why forgiveness is a tool that mostly helps you. Once healed and free from the wounds of the past as a powerful and dignified human being, you then have the responsibility to learn about how to better protect yourself from such hurtful behavior. Then, you need to develop the capacity to set boundaries so you prevent that person from wounding you anymore. And, if you can manage it, you can even learn to develop enough spiritual power that with dignity and grace you are able to convey to the person who has harmed you, that in being forgiven, they have a responsibilty to wake up and become a better person.

With these steps everyone gives, everyone gets, and balance is restored for the good of all.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Check out my NEW BOOK: SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad Buy the book and receive bonus gifts at my website.

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. — Ghandi

Why REAL Love Goes Beyond Falling In and Out of Love

MAIN QUOTE

You’ll discover that real love is millions of miles past falling in love with anyone or anything. When you make that one effort to feel compassion instead of blame or self-blame, the heart opens again and continues opening ~ Sara Paddison

DR. LISA LOVE REFLECTIONS

Once upon a time a client of mine totally fell “in love” with a man who offered her much of what she wanted in life. As the relationship progressed she continued to be excited about the many connections and possibilities between them. But, all along something seemed a little off. “Do you think he is secretly married?” she had asked me. After all he would disappear for days and even weeks on end on mysterious travel trips. “Possibly,” I told her, but as we explored it together we discover this was most likely not the case. “What could it be then?” she wondered. “Is it just what he says about liking to travel a lot and not being able to take me with him?” “Doubtful,” I told her and at last we figured it out. He had a sexual addiction. My client was devasted and swung from being wildly “in love” to woefully “out of love” with this man. At least, that’s what she believed. I believed it was something different.

You see, I have a strange bias that love requires 20-20 vision. And, only when we see people clearly for who they really are can we really learn to love them. Loving people in a real way isn’t always easy. At times it can be very hard work. So, instead of nashing her teeth about “falling out of love” with her man, I encouraged her to discover how she could actually learn to love him. How does she do this? Well, not by going back into the darkness, denying his problems, and trying to overlook them so she can “work everything out.” That’s not love, that’s ignorance motivated by fear of loss and rejection. It also doesn’t help if she rages at him dumping all her hurt on him for having had her hopes and expectations for their relationship dashed to pieces. That can produce a temporary feel good, but it will end up making them both feel a lot worse.

What she can do then is open her heart, have compassion, and lovingly set up boundaries between them giving them space to sort things out. And, in that space she can take some time to use the power of love (which is the same in my opinion as consciousness) to wake up and learn. One of the first things she can learn is how an overwhelming number of sex addicts (as high as 80% or more) have been sexually abused and exploited as children. Plus, in our now overwhelmingly sexualized society, this percentage is growing and causing an epidemic of dsyfunction seriously hindering people’s ability to expeirence truly loving relationship. For more information on this read this excellent article, Sex Addiction Has Devastating Effects.

As she wakes up and get education, my client can can then take one of two paths. First, she can let go of this man in love — in real love — feeling a depth of compassion for his plight and praying that some day he will find his way out. In doing so, she has surrounded him with love enabling that love at some level (even if only energetically) to reach him. Second, if he is willing to stick it out with her and if she feels she has the strength to continue she can enter into counseling with him, insist he enter a Sexual Addiction Recovery program and they can build upon their love together.

The point is real love when we practice it does take us a million miles further. It wakes us up. It helps us to become conscious. It heals us. And, most of all it turns us into increasingly loving individuals. We neither fall in love, or out of love. We grow in love. Let’s grow in love — together.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Check out my NEW BOOK: SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad Buy the book and receive bonus gifts at my website.

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html