The Right Time & The Right Loving Way to Return to An Abuser

December 31, 2009

As mentioned in a previous article, especially when you are in an abusive and violent relationship, research shows almost the only thing that works is to leave the abuser. Does that mean, however, you can never return? Yes, you can return. But, only after you have had the strength and courage to teach your abuser how to love. How is that done?

To be honest, I know of no better book on this subject than Lundy Bancroft’s – Why Does He Do That? This is hands down the best book on the market for understanding abuse and knowing if an abuser is capable of changing, or is in the process of changing. Lundy even has a fifteen step checklist that any person who loves an abuser should use to determine if the abusive person is no longer tempted to resort to abuse. That checklist goes from the abuser admitting to the abuse, allowing for zero excuses for the abuse, entering an abuse program (usually takes two years to go through) with a qualified therapist who specializes in abuse, making active restitution for the abuse, giving up the goodies for abuse, and having zero tolerance for abuse in themselves or others. Other books that can help include – You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, by Stephen Stosny. This book is best utilized if an abuser is in an abuse program.

Research also shows that unless an abuser goes through this process, he or she, will abuse again. That is why it is so crucial to love yourself and another to insist on change – to insist that loving behaviors replace abusive ones. Want to learn more about some of the principles in Bundy’s book? Go to the LoveMovies! review on The Changling movie. It deals with abuse in men. Though women can abuse as well, sadly men are overwhelmingly abusers mainly because male culture often teaches them that abuse is acceptable (something loving men work hard to change in the male culture).

Here is the link to the review.

http://www.lovemoviesonline.com/short_reviews/changeling.html

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Attract & Keep Real Love Programs found at http://www.doctorlisalove.com

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Real Love Expands Love In Others & Doesn’t Tolerate Negative Behaviors

December 31, 2009
Sad, but true, another media story of a woman being abused (Charlie Sheen’s wife), calling the police in terror for her life, slamming a restraining order on him, and then saying “She loves him enough to ignore everything that happened.” But, I have news for Brooke, this isn’t love, it’s her fear and abuse pattern talking.

As someone who specialized in abuse in the 1980’s, I’ve spent a lot of time learning about why abuse happens, why abused people stay with their abusers, and what is the most loving behavior in these circumstances. And, the truth is almost irrefutable. If you really love yourself and another, you will DEMAND & INSIST OUT OF LOVE, that your partner CHANGE! And, that requires a ZERO TOLERANCE for ABUSE policy.

What is the best way to cope with an abuser? Research has proven time and again, pretty much the only thing that works is LEAVING the abuser. Thus, Brooke was right by slamming a restraining order on Charlie, and the prosecuting lawyers are right in demanding that order not be lifted. That IS the loving thing to do.

Fact. This isn’t the first time Charlie Sheen has attacked his girlfriend and wives. As CNN reported yesterday, he’s been equally as violent and as scary with all of them. Yet, like the classic charming abuser, he gets away with it. Why? Because abusers are seriously invested in making sure their outer appearances look good so they can benefit from the power they feel they gain over others by being abusive.

And, it takes courage (a word that means “take heart”) to stand up to an abuser. They rule through fear, control, and intimidation. They convince their victims that they can’t survive without them, or that the penalities for exposing their abuse will be seriously high (usually more abuse). Then the abuser “rewards” his victim for caving in and being cowardly enough to “love him” by placating his cruelty and sickness.

TRUTH. ABUSE ISN’T LOVE. STAYING WITH AN ABUSER ISN’T LOVE. IT’S FEAR. And, fear and love never co-exist together.

So, how do you love an abuser? Again, have the power, courage, and support system to leave. Let them know you have zero tolerance for their abuse. Insist that they enter an abuse program, anger management isn’t enough. Abuse isn’t about anger. It is about entitlement. Abusers gain a lot of goodies by abusing and controlling others. The more they know they can get away with getting these goodies the more they feel entitled to abuse to get them. Their entitled attitude must be entirely stripped away. You abuse? You don’t get any goodies at all. Period.

Best of all, by forcing an abuser to admit to the abuse, take responsibility for the abuse, no longer feel entitled to abuse, and actually get to the point of knowing that abuse is wrong, awful, and shameful, the more you encourage the abuser to learn how to love.

That’s the point. LOVE. So, please understand this basic teaching I have about love. How do you know it is real love? Simple. Love expands love in others. When we truly love others (and that often takes a lot of courage, or heart), we teach them what love is, and they become more loving because of it. What better gift to give those you love? Better yet, what better gift to give to yourself.

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Attract & Keep Real Love Programs found at http://www.doctorlisalove.com


Getting the Pain of Heartbreak to STOP

December 27, 2009
Hello. If you are feeling heartbroken, and want the pain to stop, feeling disappointed in love, and feeling as if you can’t go on, I know how that feels (as I used to feel it myself). But, it doesn’t have to be that way. I can help.

You can get your heart to mend and get back to a place of feeling confident in love again, but only if you allow your heart to heal in the right way. Why? Because if you don’t let your heart heal in a healing manner it will create scar tissue, making it very hard for you to love or trust again. Which is why I want to help you through my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

That’s right. When we don’t know how to heal our hearts, whether we want to or not we find ways to injure them over and over again. As we do so, it is similar to having something start to heal (or scab over), but then if we don’t know how to leave it alone, or protect ourselves in the right way during the healing process, our hearts end up breaking over and over again!

Dear Friend,

If you have recently ended a relationship, or find yourself unable to forget someone you loved who is no longer in your life – I know how you feel and I know I can help you.

Like you, I’ve lost people I cared about. At one point in my life I spent years in pain. I not only didn’t believe I would ever find love again, I didn’t want to find love again. I just stayed there, stuck, hanging onto my pain and onto my past.

I was afraid of moving forward. I was afraid to believe. I was afraid to be disappointed in love again. And, from a Law of Attraction point of view (where the thoughts and feelings we put out into the universe tend to come back to us in life), I was actually increasing the odds that I would be disappointed once more in love, because that is all I could think, feel, and believe in my life.

And, why not? Hadn’t experience proved I was right? I did my absolute best to love, and just got smacked down in the process. It was all so painful. I was so hurt and confused. That is until I learned once and for all what real love was, and how I was, and was not, allowing real love to enter my life so I could love and be loved for good!

Here’s a letter sent to me by Julie, who had something similar happen to her.

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“Dear Dr. Lisa,

I truly don’t know where to go, or what to do. I was dating my boyfriend for over one year. Everything seemed wonderful and I thought he was the man for me for certain.

Then, as the holidays came upon us, he started to unexpectedly back away. He said he wasn’t sure about us moving forward right now, and needed a little break.

I was so hurt. How could he say this to me just before we entered the holiday season? Then, the other day I found out something horrible. He had taken a trip to go skiing, and a mutual friend of ours told me she had spotted him at the resort skiing there without me. Worse, he was with his old girlfriend.

I was devastated. I thought everything between us was going well. Where in the world did his old girlfriend come from? I didn’t even know he was staying in touch with her.

I have now confronted him and we have currently called it quits. This hurts so much I don’t know if I can bare it. Please help me. I don’t know what to do.

Julie

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Here is my answer to Julie, as well as a tool that will help any of you who may be suffering in the same way Julie is.

Dear Julie,

To begin with, Julie, your heartbreak is at the very initial stages. In many ways your broken heart is like a broken bone. And, what would you do if you actually had a broken bone (like a leg or arm?). Chances are you would get yourself to a doctor and fast.

In some ways that is what you have done by reaching out to me, someone who has the power to help you heal your heart. So, that is a good thing. Because finding an expert who knows the stages of how to help you start healing your heart in the right way is very important.

So here is what you need to do to heal. You need to COCOON! That is right. You need to create a safe space where you can feel all your feelings and release them in the most healing and powerful way you can. Why because whenever you experience sadness, or sorrow, you are faced with letting go. But, if you try to let go too soon, it will create the opposite effect. It will cause you to hang on! That is why I don’t want you to let go right away until you know how to. I want you first and foremost to cocoon, to protect yourself, to get yourself in a safe place so you can sort out what to keep, what to let go of, and how to move forward in the most powerful way.

How do you build your cocoon? There are many ways, and I talk about a number of them in my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

But, here is one simple tip for you right now – pick a place you can regularly go to, in nature, or in your home (even if it is the bathroom) and make sure that in this space you only allow positive and loving sights and sounds. That means only put up pictures that make you feel good. Only listen to music that encourages you to know you can heal and move on. And, only let people into this space (if possible) who love you, believe in you, and are able to tell you how you will be alright once you set the bone, put on a cast, and have taken the time to heal.

Of course there are more steps you could take, but for now this is a beginning process.

Want more help? Pick up my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,
Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com

(Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved)


He’s Rich, She’s Hot! So What? – Beyond Appearances Towards Real Love

December 8, 2009
It’s the stereotypical trade – sex objects for success objects. Attractive women (or men) for wealthy men (or women). This barter of status (looks and wealth) is ancient and deeply ingrained in the human psyche. And, it is pitched to us as the ideal over and over again in the media (television, movies, magazines). Yet, as many wealthy and beautiful people know who have entered into this bargain (I once did it myself in my youth), it doesn’t lead to love or happiness. So, why do we keep valuing this superficial approach that in truth has nothing to do with love? In fact, when we approach people in this superfical manner, we almost guarantee that real love will elude us in the process.Of course, there is nothing wrong with being physically appealing or having lots of money. Beauty can inspire. Wealth can be used to accomplish great good. But, those with beauty and wealth know too well the chronic heartbreak that happens when people desire you only for your externals. It could even be said that those with extreme beauty or wealth have more difficulty finding real love than others do. Because they tend to be pursued more for their external value, they must have and apply more rigorous discernment to be sure they are being loved for who they truly are as persons.

And, to do so they must (as we all must) be willing to drop the focus on external qualities a person has, and shift more towards desiring the internal qualities a person posessess that can lead us to a truly joyful, happy, loved, and loving life. I am reminded for example of a dating service I am aware of (there are plenty like the one I know), that is set up primarily to accomplish the looks for wealth trade amongst potential partners. I am also reminded of my own early years where I mistakenly entered into this kind of trade and learned the hard way how it didn’t serve anybody. And, I am especially reminded of the stories I have heard now from clients for decades who fell into this external emphasis and suffered a great deal for having done so.

Now, I am a realist. I understand human nature. I am used to my clients telling me in an excited tone of voice when they meet a potential partner, “She is so hot. I could just look at her beauty all day long.” Or, “He is so rich. He has his own private plane. He owns several homes.”

But, my training and years of experience have also taught me a lot about the painful road they are traveling down. That is why when I hear these statements I sigh inwardly, knowing that sooner rather than later, trouble will be at their door.

Why? Again, there is nothing wrong with beauty. It can be very inspiring to have a partner who is physically attractive to us. And, wealth can help us accomplish a great deal of good in life if we have access to it. But, when we start out being thrilled about externals, and when we focus on what others can give us especially in the way of status, the ego has pretty much taken over. That very same ego only leads to much heartbreak down the road.

A wealthy friend of mine has a saying I would like to share with you to bring some proof. He calls it the Cindy Crawford syndrome. (She was the supermodel who was in vogue at the time he was young). What is the Cindy Crawford, or supermodel, syndrome? It’s the classic problem externally based ego driven people often face when they put the emphasis on externals like beauty.

Because they care more about the status a person brings them, instead of caring truly for the person, even if they marry a supermodel they remain discontent. That is why before too long he will be trading in a supermodel girlfriend for a new one. (Tiger Woods anyone?). Well, Tiger is not alone. And, you don’t have to have wealth to fall victim to putting the emphasis on externals, any egotistical selfish person will be prone to do so.

That is also why I take a deep breath and say a little prayer when I hear women gushing about how much money a man spends on them, or can bring to their lives. Again, I can’t blame them for being misguided. I was too at one point. I married the wrong person in a trade of my youthful looks for sizable wealth in hopes that it would bring the happiness and security I longed for. It didn’t. In fact, my brief years in that marriage were some of the most unhappy of my life. Why? Because despite his money and my looks, we were not at all compatible with each other. And, neither one of us bothered to ask the kinds of questions that I will share with you now.

Questions To Answer In Your Quest for Real Love.

1. Do I genuinely enjoy and admire this person, even if he/she were not wealthy or good looking?
2. Do we share the same vision of what we want our lives to be like? And, does that vision help to create a better world for lots of people around us?
3. Do we have a lot of things in common (after all even though opposites attract, time and again, research shows that long lasting happy relationships and marriages happen between people who are more alike than different).
4. Does this person possess integrity? Can he/she be trusted to keep his/her word?
5. Is this person free from obsessions, addictions, and abusive patterns (emotionally, physically, financially) showing they are capable of being a happy loving person, able to give that happiness and love to someone else?
6. Is this person a naturally unselfish person? Do they treat others with care and respect no matter what their status in life?
7. How does this person treat me? Forget about how much money he/she spends on me. Forget about how much he/she turns me on physically. How does he/she treat me regarding the little things in life? How good of a human being is this person?
8. Does this person value who I am mainly in terms of the service I am here to bring to the world? And, will he/she help me make the contibution with my talents I am meant to?
9. Is this person capable of making sacrifices, joyfully and willingly, especially since the ability to joyfully sacrifice for the well being of others demonstrates that this person knows how to truly love?
10. What kind of spiritual qualities does this person possess, especially in regards to being fair, truthful, compassionate, open-minded, naturally joyful, loving, and concerned for welfare of others?

Of course, there are additional questions that could be asked. But, how much more I would delight if someone would tell me, “He/she is such a good person. He/she has such a kind heart. We share so many things in common. People genuinely admire him/her. He/she can be trusted to keep his/her word. He/she treats me really well. And, by the way, he/she is my ideal of good looking. It is so much fun how he/she really turns me on. And, he/she has the financial means that allows us both use that wealth wisely to help create a better world.”

Then, I would smile with joy and wish them well. I would feel that they were learning to bless each other and this world with the presence of their real love. But, most of all, I would know that at some point, sooner or later they would not be calling me on the phone with the classic story I hear one too many times of how despite all they have in life in terms of looks, status, or wealth, they feel lonely, empty, betrayed, sad, angry, and abandoned once more because they did not get the real love they were looking for.

Yes, real love. That is what is it really all about. And, that is what I wish for them, for myself, and for the entire world.

Blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

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Love Myth: Love is Blind. Love Truth: Love is Consciousness

December 8, 2009
It’s a common saying, “Love is blind.” And, it’s a phrase that has been stated by numerous well known people. Many movies also proclaim it. Yet, is this really true? Or, is it just another myth about love that prevents us from knowing what love really is, and therefore, stops us from attracting real love into our lives?

Perhaps it helps by understanding what people generally mean when they say “love is blind.” Typically, they are saying that they are willing to overlook certain things that annoy them. Or, that they are “crazy in love” with someone, so regardless of obvious negative traits the person possesses, they willfully blindly ignore them. They may even be saying that they don’t want to know what the other person is really like, as it will upset their capacity to love them anymore.

What is all of this really saying to us? Yes, it can be a good to learn how to overlook certain things in a relationship that may disturb the overall balance of love. But, are you really overlooking them, or putting them in perspective, which means you see them clearly, but decide in the larger scheme of the relationship and of love, that they are really not the most important things to focus on? Unless of course, they are! Because too often people overlook problems in a relationship that are really acting like “acid on the pipe” (a phrase my clients know me to use often). Why “acid on the pipe?” Because though they seem minor, they have the power to erode even the strongest metal, or foundation of a relationship. And, no loving relationship is helped by problems being ignored in such a way the very foundation of love within the relationship is gradually destroyed.

In fact. this unwise overlooking of the truth by chosing to remain blind has created problems for nearly everyone. It is the main reason “love” often ends tragically (which means in truth love wasn’t very present to begin with, blindness was). Why is this? Because in the name of “love” we overlook numerous red flags that will obviously lead to serious problems later on. These include abusive and addictive patterns, irresponsible handling of career and finances, obvious disregard for the feelings and needs of others, codependent patterns and more. Instead of generating love, this willful overlooking of negative behaviors feeds the lack of love. (Remember this one, I Lack Love, or I.L.L., which is the end result). What would love really require in these situations? Quite honestly, it would require the courage to look at these problematic behaviors head on, and in a loving way (for yourself and others) insist they be dealt with and resolved.

But, when we willfully ignore reality, and turn a “blind eye” to what our loved ones are doing, this isn’t love. It’s fear. Fear of finding out the truth. Fear of not knowing how to handle the truth if it is revealed. Fear of being left alone if love requires the loving removal of negative people and behaviors from your life. Fear of having to confront the unloving aspects of yourself. In all these examples, fear dominates, love does not. And, where fear exists, love cannot be present. The two simple can’t reside together, because love is one of the main things that overcomes fear to begin with.

What we discover then is that love is far from blind, it is conscious. As I am frequently known to say, it requires 20/20 vision. It requires the courage to see clearly. As we see clearly, it then requires the wisdom to love in the most intelligent and powerful way whatever (or whoever) comes into our lives. How do we know we are loving in an intelligent and powerful way? Simple. We expand within ourselves and others the capacity to love. That requires, however, knowing what love entails, something we will continue to learn in our discovery of real love. So, let us finally once and for all put the “love is blind” myth on the shelf! So, that real love is something we can finally invite fully, and consciously, into our lives.

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

WANT TO ATTRACT & KEEP REAL LOVE IN YOUR LIFE? Learn more at the link below.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attract_love_group_coaching.html