The Right Time & The Right Loving Way to Return to An Abuser

As mentioned in a previous article, especially when you are in an abusive and violent relationship, research shows almost the only thing that works is to leave the abuser. Does that mean, however, you can never return? Yes, you can return. But, only after you have had the strength and courage to teach your abuser how to love. How is that done?

To be honest, I know of no better book on this subject than Lundy Bancroft’s – Why Does He Do That? This is hands down the best book on the market for understanding abuse and knowing if an abuser is capable of changing, or is in the process of changing. Lundy even has a fifteen step checklist that any person who loves an abuser should use to determine if the abusive person is no longer tempted to resort to abuse. That checklist goes from the abuser admitting to the abuse, allowing for zero excuses for the abuse, entering an abuse program (usually takes two years to go through) with a qualified therapist who specializes in abuse, making active restitution for the abuse, giving up the goodies for abuse, and having zero tolerance for abuse in themselves or others. Other books that can help include – You Don’t Have to Take It Anymore, by Stephen Stosny. This book is best utilized if an abuser is in an abuse program.

Research also shows that unless an abuser goes through this process, he or she, will abuse again. That is why it is so crucial to love yourself and another to insist on change – to insist that loving behaviors replace abusive ones. Want to learn more about some of the principles in Bundy’s book? Go to the LoveMovies! review on The Changling movie. It deals with abuse in men. Though women can abuse as well, sadly men are overwhelmingly abusers mainly because male culture often teaches them that abuse is acceptable (something loving men work hard to change in the male culture).

Here is the link to the review.

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

Attract & Keep Real Love Programs found at

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