How Forgiving, Forgetting, & Feeling Good Again Can Perpetuate Abuse & How to Make Sure It Doesn’t

All of us who want to be loving and spiritual people know the drill – learn to forgive, learn to forget, learn to feel good, move on, and heal. So far, so good. Unless you are stuck in a pattern of abuse. Then a few other rules need to apply as well.

You see the classic abuse cycle is as follows for those who abuse others:

1. I’m hurt, feel things are not going my way, or don’t know how to deal with my guilt & shame.
2. I blow up because I don’t like my uncomfortable feelings and don’t want to own them.
3. So, I dump my uncomfortable feelings on you in the form of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ok…. not that the above is something I recommend, but it does occur whenever we have trouble handling our emotions well. If we are responsible human beings attempting to become better human beings, we regret our actions, look at our triggers, take responsibility for our actions, and seek out healthier ways to handle our hurt and emotions. At this point forgiving, forgetting, and feeling good helps us regain our energy and move forward into a brighter tomorrow.

Unless we add these additional abuse elements that make the above quite tricky.

4. Not wanting to look at my behaviors, I wait for those I abuse to calm down and feel good again once they recover from my abuse. I count on them to forgive me, forget about the past, and let me back into their lives TOTALLY FREE FROM BEING ACCOUNTABLE FOR WHAT I HAVE JUST DONE!
5. Hoping I am off the hook for my abuse, I come back, charm the person I have just hurt, and reward them for having let me off the hook.

PROBLEM IS… I have done nothing to gain insight into my behaviors. I’ve taken no time to examine how I trigger off and dump my frustration and anger on others. I avoid looking at myself and becoming a better human being (after all that is your job, which is why I count on you forgiving, forgetting, and just sticking it out with me until I blow up and abuse you yet again).

Thus, unknowingly forgiving, forgetting, and feeling good again can perpetuate the cycle of abuse!

How do we prevent this?

I have a saying I really like that helps here. Love is consciousness and love expands love.

You can forgive yourself and you can forgive others, but you still are responsible for becoming a more loving human being and learning how to teach others to treat you with love and respect in return.

If this does not take place go ahead and forgive, forget, and feel good, but set a boundary and LEAVE those who hurt you. Especially if an abuser has learned to count on your love and compassion as a way of letting him or her off the hook for getting conscious and becoming a more loving, respectful, and compassionate human being, you are better off without this person in your life if you are in a position to do so. If you are not in a position to leave, then get professional help from those who can teach you how to set boundaries within the confines of the relationships.

One more thing to consider, the words for-give and for-get. If we really analyze these words they are about giving and getting! They involve establishing an environment of mutual love, regard, and respect. Ideally, two people who have hurt each other can give and get love and respect in an environment of understanding and compassion together.

But, please do not forgive the individual if that person shows no genunine intention to stop abusing you, or forget that he/she will continue to abuse you, and rob you of all the feel good that you can have when love, compassion, and respect surround you.

Insead, realize that if a loving environment won’t occur, then as you move away from abusive individuals forgive yourself and that person for the ignorance that created the environment of abuse. Then forget about the person (because he or she is not taking responsibility for being a more loving and compassionate individual towards you) and feel good about living without him or her.

Want help with the above? Check out my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.


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