Three Distinctions Between Abusive & Non-Abusive Mindsets & Behaviors

1. Blame vs. Accountability.

One of the major tatics of abuse is the blame game. And, there are numerous ways it is played these days. The blame game is about avoiding taking a look at, or being accountable for my harmful behaviors. I simply find ways to:

a) Ignore what I have done,
b) Run from what I have done,
c) Discount what I have done (by telling people I have hurt to “get over it” so I can avoid having empathy for their hurt and pain),
d) Act above it all in regards to what I have done (you simply don’t get how stupid you are, worthless you are, insignificant you are compared to me, so stop complaining about my bad treatment of you).

And, abuse frequently involves shifting responsibility for any hurts I have caused onto you. In short, I find ways to make it your fault, not mine, that I have abused you. Time and again, abusers are unwilling to look at their own behaviors & perceptions & see how things look and feel in the eyes, hearts, and minds of others. Lacking empathy and stuck needing to deflect any sense of guilt and shame, I fail to consider the hurtful impact I may have had on others. Rarely, if ever, am I inclined to see my part, and say I’m sorry. Plus, even if I say I am sorry, it is usually just an attempt to get my power back, without any sincere attempt to make up for hurts caused by me and inflicted on others.

The alternative to this? Accountability. Accountability includes the following:

a) A genuine attempt on my part to listen to your pain with compassion and empathy.
b) A willingness to question my assumptions and perceptions and consider your point of view.
c) A sincere examination of what I may need to change in my belief system, expression of emotions, and behaviors so I can become a more loving, kind, and compassionate human being.
d) Taking time to gain insight as to why I engage in entitled & abusive behaviors, and using compassion with myself to help me cope with my guilt and shame for having hurt others, while resolving to become a better human being.
e) Attempting to make restitution for what I have done so that an environment of mutual respect and love can be re-established amongst those I have harmed.
f) Committing to be more transperant, honest, sincere, humble, and loving in my interactions with others.

2. Superiority vs. Humility.

Truly spiritual people are actually humble people. That is why some of the most spiritual people you will ever know may not have much outer external power (in the way of money, fame, looks) at all. And, for those who do become well known as being spiritual leaders of some kind, there is a constant awareness of no matter how spiritual one is, one is still human. One still has flaws. Thus, truly spiritual people are much more likely to greet others on an equal level. They know they still have much to learn. Growing in love and compassion for others is a process that is continually evolving. Mistakes will be made and truly spiritual people are more than willing to look for how they make mistakes, and continue to learn from the process.

Yet, superior “spiritual” people are actually quite the opposite.

a. They have a need for power over others and constantly applaud themselves for how powerful they are (look at how I changed that person, look at how much money they pay me for the workshop, look at how many followers I have, look at my mastery of “mind over matter,” look at how many spiritual people I hang out with, look at how many spiritual books I have read). All of these are a version of what I called in my Beyond the Secret book the “See Me” game. All of them bring the energy and attention back to me and how special I am compared to you.

b. They are constantly afraid of losing their spiritual status. Always on the defensive, they worry constantly about losing the things that give them power (money, fame, looks) and are almost obsessive about making sure they stay on top (with everyone else on the bottom).

c. They need to collect followers to maintain that status and will even resort to hypocrisy, lying, and cheating to get followers and maintain a “spiritual” image. Transperancy is something they can’t and won’t tolerate. Sadly, this means they are often highly protective and reactive about defending their outer image, even privately abusing anyone that threatens to blow their outer “innocent” cover.

d. They do no wrong. They can’t be questioned. They have all the answers. They always know better than you do. Dismissing other people’s feelings and point of view are easy. Though they also tend to become hyper vigilant in case they need to knock competitors out who might threaten their status and know-how.

3. Charm vs. Authentic Presence.

People who tend to make a big splash and gain a lot of power tend to have a certain level of charm. Charms put spells on people and charm is the ability to make you believe I am more than I really am. Learning to charm people with looks, money, words, promises, hype, and more are classic tatics. And, in a world focused so much on externals, people are easily fooled into being duped and then out of embarrassment may not admit that this has occured.

Though truly spiritual people may also possess charming attributes, they are more dedicated to maintaining an authetic presence. Not concerned with followers (even if they have them), they desire much more to reveal their human foilables, possibly even losing followers (money & power) in the process because they reveal themselves to be less than super-human.

In the end, spiritual people live by an ethic of love, compassion, and kindness. And, even if they fall short of their ideals along these lines, they are far more likely to consider how they can improve themselves, than to desire that only you improve.

Want help with the above? Check out my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.


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