It’s About Lying — That is Why Cheating is Such a Big Deal

As yet another public figure is thrown into the spotlight for lewd behavior once again we are confronted with the question, “Is cheating such a big deal?” In case you haven’t noticed it is not so much the cheating, but the lying, which creates so much trouble.  In all our relationships people make certain agreements, whether stated or unstated.  Ideally, these agreements are openly made such in most marriages where two people expect that they will be faithful to each other.

Now, not all relationships these days go that way.  Some relationships set up other agreements such as those outlined in the book The Ethical Slut.  Here couples may agree that sexual relations outside the marriage or relationship is ok.  But, what is interesting about the book The Ethical Slut is even in these “open” relationships lying is huge no-no!  And, it isn’t just lying about something when you get caught doing it, it is about lying period.

People want to trust us and as I have always said trust is the foundation of any relationship, even between family members, co-workers, and friends.  Without trust we don’t know where we stand with anybody.  We don’t know where we stand with ourselves.  And, because of this uncertainy we don’t know what kind of agreements to make with these people.

So, why is there so much lying?  Simple.  Fear.  People are afraid to be themselves, maybe because they are afraid that they won’t get the financial and social goodies they long for if they don’t manipulate and lie to get them.  That is why cheating is such a big deal.  It is based on narcissism and the belief that I can manipulate others to get what I want without thinking about their wants and needs in return.

In conclusion, I counsel a lot of couples and individuals.  Some want to be married and monogomous.  Some don’t.  The point is are you living up to your choices?  Are you keeping your agreements?  Are you considering the needs of others when you want to change those agreements?  Are they part of the dialogue before you just go ahead and do whatever you want to do so their needs are considered too?

Remember people don’t feel cheated if there was an open, well-thought out and honest agreement that both of you made an effort to keep.  We only feel cheated when we feel deceived, manipulated, or used. That is why cheating is such a big deal.  And, in my opinion, that is why it should be.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

 

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

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