Celebrate the notion of having affairs and you are really celebrating one thing – slavery! Example: The Bridges of Madison County — romantic story or story that glorifies living in hell! There she is the trapped miserable wife in a marriage where she is misunderstood, ignored, and pathetically lonely. Along comes a man who for a few glorious days appreciates and romances her. Then he is gone. We get out the handkerchiefs and cry, but what are we really crying about?
Me? I am crying because this is so pathetic. The woman here is such a slave that she can only have a few days in her life where she feels appreciated. And, I am crying because this woman believes a few days of romance equals love, it doesn’t. I am glad she got some attention and encouragement, but real love starts when things don’t go so well between us, and we can still work it out in a truly loving fashion. But, mostly I am crying because this woman has so little love for herself, so little courage, that she will feed off those memories of a few happy days for the rest of her life, instead of work to make the rest of her life happy. Ugh!
Wake up! We are hurtling into a new era where men and women won’t make slaves of each other (I hope!). Instead, they will be free to be honest, open, and truly supportive of each other’s needs. And, that won’t mean one person gets his/her needs met at the expense of another. Rather, they will be able to enter into dialouge with one another to see what is and isn’t working. If things
are not working out they will be free to leave. They won’t be locked into fear where love is crushed and impossible to experience.
The pathetic dance of fear will end. People will stay together because they enjoy the experience together. They choose freely to be together. They want to walk together beside and through the fire, searching for real intimacy and depth, not running away from themselves into romantic fantasies with others because they can’t face each other’s shadows as well as expand each other’s light. They will honor commitments, not because they feel it is noble to do so and be enslaved by it, but because that commitment will help them make a journey together to encounter their true authentic selves.
And, when that journey rightfully ends because needs no longer mesh? They will go. In love they will go. Then there is no need to use another person as a prop through an affair to help you boost your ego or make you feel momentarily better. That is a fear response, a slave response. Your fear stops you from being authentically who you really are because you don’t want to pay the price of freedom. Yes, freedom comes at a price. To be free you must be willing to let go. You must be willing to feel the loss, the rejection, the guilt, the disapproval, the loneliness. You must be willing to risk the possibility of financial loss and hardship.
Cowards are not willing to pay the price for freedom, so they stay. Worse, now they willingly choose to be slaves. Yet, the price they pay for their slavery is much higher in the end. Now the loss is much more acute as they increasingly lose out on their
dreams, hopes, and authetic self. Resentment and resignation build. Vitality is sucked out.
Addictive behaviors to drown out the pain go up. Health is debilitated. The loneliness mounts because there is no lonelier place to be than in a relationship where each of you sits in silence masking who you really are because you are afraid to be seen, loved, and known. And, to be honest in the end there is even greater financial loss and hardship as you resort to excessive spending, consumption, and medication to do anything to numb the pain out.
Ah, but if I go I’ll be taken to court. I may lose everything I have. I may not be able to see my children. I may go broke. True, in a world of masters and slaves where love is scarce people battle it out to make winners and losers out of each other. That is what masters and slaves do. But, what slave in history didn’t pay a price to try and get free? If you really want to be free you will
too. Just be sure that is what you are doing. Slaves can escape to another land and if they still live in fear they will rapidly become
slaves once again. They will hate. They will punish. They will become addicts, or remain addicted. They will run from their shadows and the shadows of others only engaging in relationships that remain superficial. They will have solved nothing, for true freedom begins within.
Begin there, find out who you really are, what you really need, what your higher purpose is. Then treat yourself and others with love and compassion as you move to live the life you are meant to, to contribute what you are really here for. Loving people
will support you and understand you. Those who want to make you slaves will block you, guilt you, prevent you from going in any way possible. Better to be around people who will bring out the hammer and free you from your chains, or who will lovingly encourage you to go your way.
Then there is no place for affairs, no need for them. Affairs require deception. By their very nature they collude to keep you trapped. When we are honest and open with each other, when we truly love one another, when we want what is best for each other everything is in the open. Affairs are pointless. Only love and freedom exist.
Love and blessings,
Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.
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