Loving Self and Others: Three Powerful Tips

August 17, 2011

Over a decade ago I worked at a wellness center in San Diego and coined the phrase “well-full-ness.”  And, with clients I frequently
teach people your well must be full of love before you have love to give to others. Knowing this I then started to dive into more specifically what in the world does it really mean to love yourself?  And, how do you distinguish between loving yourself and living in a selfish way that is really only feeding your egotistical tendencies.

Actually, the more I have learned to love myself the simpler the answer gets.  The more I truly love myself, the more I know what love is and the more I am able to love others.  That is why in my book Attracting Real Love and my upcoming book How NOT to Love Yourself I focus so much on getting really clear about love.

In my Youtube videos (www.youtube.com/doctorlisalove) I discuss some of the myths of love like love is blind, love hurts, and love ends.  In my articles and books I also talk about how love expands love.  When you love someone you teach them how to love themselves and others more inteilligently and compassionately.  That is why getting “well-full” with love means learning some of the following:

1)  Love is Paradox.  Love is capable of seeing both sides of something.  It is a holistic view.  It takes the time to look at the whole picture, see both points of view, and attempts to come to an inclusive view that brings about a larger picture. This doesn’t happen when people are invested in winning and losing, which leads to point two.

2)  Love is Compassionate. In compassionate communication we are taught that most people adopt two options in communication.  Option one.  I’m right and you are wrong.  That means there has to be winners and losers.  So, either you win and I  lose, or I win and you lose.  So, if I want to win I will fail to consider your point of view or have empathy for you.  Or, if I want to
lose I will consider your needs and point of view, and invalidate my own.  This is not love.  It’s abuse and victimhood.  Option two.  There are no winners and losers.  No one is right and wrong.  There are two people attempting to understand each other and have compassion for themselves and the other person.  Calmly and lovingly they consider each other’s needs and wants and through dialogue work to find peaceful ways to help both people find what makes them happy.  In my work as a relationship and love counselor time and again I see how people who can choose option two create magic and miracles together.  Sadly, those invested in option one end up in eternal war.  Or, the person who is trying to be compassionate has to walk away from the person invested in
the right/wrong blame game, until that person has suffered enough that they are willing to surrender blame/abuse/rightness and try a more loving approach.

3)  Love Sees the Light & the Shadow.  When we are invested in the win/lose game we typically don’t want to see the shadow in ourselves, or point out the shadow in others.  In fact, we naively believe that seeing the shadow is someone not loving.  But, love is inclusive, not exclusive.  And, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is throw the light on the shadow, because only then
can you bring it into more light.  So, love doesn’t pretend the shadow in yourself and others doesn’t exist.  Love is not blind.  It has 20/20 vision and that includes shadow and the light. In the light love attempts to include, reveal, understand, and heal what is going on in ourselves and others.  It moves through shame and guilt by bringing about compassion and healing.  And, it does so in a way where others don’t just let themselves off the hook for ignorant and hurtful behaviors, but work to change those behaviors to become more loving people.

Only when we can start to create a world where people have enough love to do the above can we move to the deeper aspects of real love, which goes beyond confusing love with abuse, neediness, codependency, lust, pleasure, addiction and pain.  And, it is to that quest I continue to dedicate my life.  I hope you will join me.?

Love and blessings to you!

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

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Forgiving, Forgetting, & Boundary Setting

August 24, 2009

Is it really possible, or practical, to forgive and forget if someone is only going to repeat abusive and harmful behaviors? It is, but it requires a little more clarity on the entire process of boundary setting in conjunction with forgiveness.

In the past several years I have become even more savvy on the dynamics of abuse. I have also become aware of how abusers pretty much count on people forgiving them and forgetting about the harm they cause as a way to escape from the consequences of their destructive behaviors.

Which is why I want to draw upon the Christian teachings I was raised on. Because to me Jesus is a major example of forgiveness. Yet, when Jesus famously forgave those around him, at one point he also proclaimed, “Go and sin no more.” In other words, all of us, when we are given the blessing of forgiveness, have at the same time a responsibility to become more conscious of our destructive patterns. And, once aware of them, we need to actively move to change our behaviors so we sin (or harm ourselves and others) no more.

What about forgetting then? Though I have no idea what the roots are of the words forgiving and forgetting, it has not passed by me that the words can easily be broken into “for – giving” and “for – getting.” Looked at this way I can almost imagine acient folks looking at two people who have harmed each other, and then telling them to both step into the center of the room for the purpose of “giving” and “getting.” Or, to put it more simply for the sake of apologizing and making restitution with each other so the scales of justice (or karma) are set right.

Yet, sadly forgiving and forgetting has often turned into, “Ok, I’ll be a nice person and let you off the hook entirely. You don’t have to get conscious. You don’t have to change your behaviors. I’ll just let the whole thing go. And, you can go on being hurtful like you were before.” Quite frankly this is the fundamental reason why abusive relationships continue. Abusive people never have to suffer any consequences for their destructive behaviors. And, their forgiving spouses (who continue to ignore the abuse) end up getting hurt again and again and again.

So, what is the better way to forgive? First, it is true, when you don’t forgive you remain stuck in the past. Your thoughts spin negative. You are not able to create a more positive future for yourself. In many respects you continue the abuse cycle. Only this time instead of the other person harming you, you are harming yourself. That is why forgiveness primarily helps YOU. It helps you let go, move on, and move forward in your life free from the negative impact of the person who wounded you in the first place.

But, it is also true that forgiveness requires being able to stand in a place of spiritual power. As Jesus conveyed, now that the other person has been given a second chance, they now have a responsibility with that chance to become a better person. I am reminded of the famous play and film Les Miserables, which is a major story of forgiveness. In this tale Jean val jon steals silver from the home of the priest and is caught. Though the priest could have easily sent Jean val Jon back to the labor camps, he did not. Instead, he forgave Jean val jon. But, in forgiving him he also requested what he now wanted from Jean val jon (which was the priest’s way of saying what he would be “getting” in return). He said, “With this silver I have bought your soul for God.” Meaning he now held Jean val jon responsible for waking up, setting things right, and becoming a better human being from now on. Thank God, Jean val jon did.

As I see it then real forgiveness requires a great deal of spiritual power and spiritual perspective. To get to this point you do need to use forgiveness to heal enough to embrace more your own value and dignity as a human being. Letting go of your pain will help you get there, which is why forgiveness is a tool that mostly helps you. Once healed and free from the wounds of the past as a powerful and dignified human being, you then have the responsibility to learn about how to better protect yourself from such hurtful behavior. Then, you need to develop the capacity to set boundaries so you prevent that person from wounding you anymore. And, if you can manage it, you can even learn to develop enough spiritual power that with dignity and grace you are able to convey to the person who has harmed you, that in being forgiven, they have a responsibilty to wake up and become a better person.

With these steps everyone gives, everyone gets, and balance is restored for the good of all.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Check out my NEW BOOK: SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad Buy the book and receive bonus gifts at my website.

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. — Ghandi

Join Me On Facebook and Twitter

April 21, 2009

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Why Real Love Requires Honesty

April 21, 2009

MAIN QUOTE

A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie. ~Charles Edward Montague, Disenchantment

DR. LISA LOVE REFLECTIONS

Recently, I picked up a great book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. Overall, I love the book except one part of it gave me pause and made me reflect. It was in the chapter about “Why Men Cheat” on their wives, girlfriends, etc. Harvey’s basic answers are: 1) They Can. 2) They Think They Can Get Away With It. 3) He Hasn’t Become Who He Wants and Needs to Be or Found Who He Truly Wants. 4) What’s Happening at Home Isn’t Happening Like it Used To. 5) There’s Always a Woman Out There Willing to Cheat With Him. And, ultimately he explains the man hasn’t got his priorities straight especially in having a real and meaningful spiritual practice in his life.

Ok. So far, so good. And, I also agree with what Harvey says regarding why a man is able to get away with his cheating and lying behavior with the women he is with. One reason this happens Harvey explains (using my paraphraze of what he says not his exact words now) is because any woman he is with hasn’t set high enough standards in her life to respect and love herself enough to see what is going on right in front of her and take a stand about it. She basically colludes in the notion that denial is good for you. After all, “What you don’t know won’t hurt you.” And, since her denial lets him get away with what he wants to, he is happy to join in on the denial party with her. But, denial is not good for you and it feeds one of my four major love myths I discuss in my Attracting Real Love course — love is blind. Wrong! Real love actually requires 20 – 20 vision because you only know how to really love yourself and others when you are seeing what you need to see clearly.

Which is why when I read this in Harvey’s book I decided I couldn’t disagree more. He says if a woman starts to catch on to a man’s cheating and lying behavior and starts to ask questions a man is going to just do more of his lying and denying game. Why? Harvey says men will do this “if we care about you. But, if not — if a man doesn’t see you fitting into his life plan — he won’t even bother with all of the covering up.” WHOA!!! Come on, Steve! I know the rest of your book also says that a man who really loves a woman won’t cheat, but let’s clear this up right now! Le’t not make it seem like somebody is cheating and hiding the truth from someone out of love. No way, no how!

So, why do we really lie? Plain and simple We’re afraid. Period. Why are we afraid? We don’t love ourselves or the people around us enough to live in truth. And, real love requires the truth. Not some blunt rude make people feel stupid and horrible version of truth. But, truth nonetheless! And, if you want proof of who has the most loving relationships going on between them? Well, it’s between people who can live in truth completely. They love and respect each other so much they want to be honest with them. They care about not hurting them. They care about being loved and respected in return for who they are flaws and all. And, they want a partner who can hear the truth and help bring it all into the realm of consciousness in a loving way and heal any fear in the realm of love. That means the more a couple lies to each other, the more they actually are in fear of each other, which means love really isn’t very present at all.

Now, why do we refuse to live in truth? It’s simple. We are thinking more about ourselves and coming from our egos. We simply don’t want to have to face the consequences of what we are doing and being forced to change our hurtful behaviors. We don’t want to feel bad about ourselves by having to see clearly what is really going on. Or, to share another quote, <i>We tell lies when we are afraid… afraid of what we don’t know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger. ~Tad Williams.</i> In short, we are afraid to love and feed fear in our lives instead.

Ok, I don’t expect people to be perfect. But, try this on for size. Next time you catch yourself or other people telling lies ask yourself this, “What am I afraid of and how does this reflect a lack of love in myself or a lack of love regarding the people I am with?” Then, ask this, “What would it be like to love myself and others enough to be willing to take the scrape, instead of give one?”

Notice this as well. Despite what people say finding out the truth doesn’t hurt! What hurts is discovering how much there was a lack of love and how real love was replaced by deception and fear. Remember, real love heals it doesn’t hurt. And, though it may hurt to find out about lies, shedding them actually opens you up to attracting more real love in your life creating space for the rapture described in the main quote above — for yourself and the people around you.
Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html


To Be Spiritual You Must Be Rich? Has It Really Come to THIS?

April 12, 2009

Here it is, the eve of Easter Sunday and on the eve of this holiday I can’t believe I read what I’ve posted below. It is especially strange to read this at a time of year when I contemplate Jesus on the cross as a symbol of the ultimate sacrifice of our ego, and the need to live more spiritually, primarily through the Law of Sacrifice and the Law of Service.

Apart from Jesus I also take inspiration from people like the Dalai Lama, Mother Teresa, Peace Pilgrim, and others like some Indian saints like Amaji, Ramana Marashi, Ramakrishna, and so forth.. yet here on this sacred night for me (as mostly a Christian, but one who appreciates other faiths) I read this just posted tonight on Bob Proctor’s new Facebook site (one of the main people behind The Secret DVD and book).

“WHATEVER may be said in praise of poverty, the fact remains that it is not possible to live a really complete or successful life unless one is rich. No man can rise to his greatest possible height in talent or soul development unless he has plenty of money; for to unfold the soul and to develop talent he must have many things to use, and he cannot have these things unless he has money to buy them with. Every person naturally wants to become all that they are capable of becoming; Success in life is becoming what you want to be. To understand the science of getting rich is therefore the most essential of all knowledge.”

Wow, has it really come to this? That none of us can believe we have had a successful life unless we are rich? That we can’t develop our souls to their fullest potential unless we are rich?

I guess countless saints, sages, and some of the most celebrated spiritual teachers after thousands of years are not very spiritual after all. Too bad they just didn’t know how to realize their “soul potential.” I guess countless nuns and monks who choose a life of poverty to focus totally on service, love, and spiritual cultivation have had no idea what they were talking about. Neither did billions of mothers and fathers throughout history and now who sacrificed for their children out of pure love and devotion — giving mainly their wisdom and example of pure love to their children even when they were not able to give anything else. Same could be said of millions of soldiers who gave their young lives on a battlefield. Spiritually UN-REALIZED all of them. Sorry, everyone, you were just too broke!

Well, now I know even more why I spent five years of my life immersed in the topic of Wealth and Spirituality for my Ph.D. studying what every major religion had to say about money and going into depth on this topic by studying both the wealthy and the poor. Sure, you can be rich and be spiritual even though most religious traditions say it is far harder to do both (the ego just gets too full of itself). But, to imply that you MUST be rich to be spiritual? No wonder I wrote my book BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiitual Power and the Law of Attraction book, which takes a far more balanced view than any of The Secret teachings do, especially if they are now acting like you HAVE to be rich to be spiritual.

Plus, this notion contributes to the same old “ego success game” balony that asserts that you are only successful if you have consumed lots of stuff (as the text above says, “you cannot have these things unless you have money to buy them”). Look 1,000 plant and animal species are going extinct every day. All around the world due to global warming the ice on our planet is now melting and drying up our water supply at an alarmingly rapid rate (get ahold of the book Extreme Ice and watch the new PBS program on it). The main reason the ice is melting and global warming is happening? It’s not CO2 emissions from cars, it’s the mass consumption of the world’s resources at an out of control pace. And, with all this going on we are being told we are only able to reach our soul potential if we are not even well off, but RICH as well? Ok, 7 billion people on the planet get going. Consume the rest of the world’s resources at a rapid pace to prove how spiritual we all are. We should all be extinct within 50 years if we do so.

Yes, it’s true. Money is power and it gives some people the power to manifest their beliefs on this Earth. But, that doesn’t mean you are spiritual if you have money, or that you are spiritual if you don’t. And, rest assured, if I’m counted again one day as one of the “rich” on this planet (and I was one of them in my first marriage and found very few spiritual people around me when I was one of them), you won’t hear me talk in such an offensive manner as to now imply that because I am rich again that now makes me spiritual, and everyone else around me at below a certain income level is not.

Why won’t you hear me talk that way? Because spirituality has nothing to do with money! It has everything to do with the kind of person you are whether you have money or not. Something real spiritual teachers have taught for thousands of years and still teach today. Why? Because it’s still true. Money can’t buy you love or happiness even. Only a good heart can bring that to you. And, along the same lines money can’t buy you spirituality either no matter how much the egos of some people try to trick you into believing it to be so.

Happy Easter everyone!

Blessings,

Lisa

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.


Cosmic Blessing Video

April 8, 2009

A deeply healing and meditative video designed to calm and bless you. Presented by Sancorpe and Dr. Lisa Love (author of Beyond the Secret). Music by Dennis Connor and Allan Phillips. 

View my new video creation here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astiGXbdgWw


Beyond the Secret – Ten Steps for Spiritual Attraction

March 19, 2009
Below is a listing of the Ten Steps for Spiritual Attraction listed in my book
BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction.

Ten Steps for Spiritual Attraction

Experience a 10 step process that will help you manifest the life you are meant to live.
It’s as easy as ONE, TWO, THREE!

O-N-E

Orient Towards Spirit.

Know that essentially you are Spirit. As you surrender to Spirit you come from fullness, not lack. Esentially, the more fulfilled you are the less you need to attract. Rather, you become a conduit for love to emerge and find true satisfaction in living a life of service.

Negate the Ego.

Discover the ways your ego stops you from experiencing true joy, satisfaction, and peace of mind. The ego is always about grasping. It feeds on fear and encourages a constant feeling of lack. Thus, you learn to observe your ego and infuse it with Spirit overtime negating it’s constant tendency to play what I call “The See Me Game”, which always calls attention to your little self.

Engage the Soul.

The soul is the bridge between Spirit and the ego. Essentially, the soul is consciousness and love. the ego is ultimately only diminished through love. As you engage the soul you clarify and strengthen your values. You live a life of love. And, you create soul stories instead of ego stories to inspire and motivate you.

T-W-O

Take Time to Align.

As your ego becomes filled increasingly with Spirit through consciousness and love, you shift your identity increasingly to BE-NESS, or Spirit. Now, you align the thoughts, feelings, and actions that exist in the realm of the ego by cleaning up negative karma and shifting old patterns so you can live more fully in the present moment.

Watch and Listen.

The more the various aspects of your ego (thoughts, feelings, actions) align with Spirit the more you are able to enter the silence. Here within the silence you enter the flow and follow in a more natural way what Spirit (which is you) wants for you to be, have, and attract in life. The intuition is also cultivated allowing you to listen more deeply to the realm of Spirit primarily through meditation and other intuitive means.

Order Your Thoughts.

As you descend more into the realm of thought (and the lower realms of the dense world of the ego) mind-stuff is activated. Always the grasping nature of the ego needs to be avoided at this stage, as it can easily come into play. As the mind is held in the light of Spirit, a concrete plan for manifesting your service emerges. Typical law of attraction tools such as visualization, affirmations, and mind-mapping are all useful at this stage.

T-H-R-EE

Tap Into Your Feelings.

Especially at the level of feelings the ego can overwhelm the original intention that Spirit is attempting to manifest and attract into your life. Learning to develop emotional mastery is especially important at this stage by understanding the gift of every emotion allowing you to use all of them in a conscious and effective way. Then your emotions can turn into a powerful tool for increasing the momentum you need to succeed to illuminate your life with love and to manifest your service lovingly into the world around you.

Highlight the Shadow in Others.

Especially as you prepare to manifest a service into the world the dense ego states of others (their thoughts, feelings, and actions) can rise up to oppose you. Learning to work with the ego states of others in a loving, detached, and effective way is important and helps you understand how to improve the situation by ideally transforming them, or if this is not possible coping with them, or if need be walking away from them altogether.

Remove the Shadow in Yourself.

As we near success in getting what we want the ego once again can rear it’s head. Jesus experienced this in the desert after his baptism and Buddha went through it under the Bodhi Tree. All the trappings of success can produce the “Shadow Side of the Law of Attraction” as we slip away from our identity with Spirit and once again get caught up in the lure of fame, wealth, beauty, and all the numerous games our egos play to try to “prove” how special we are, forgetting as Spirit all are special and we are everyone around us.

Execute and Easy Does It!

Moving into the realm of action skill is still required to manifest our service in the world. Skills inlcude the ability to develop a keen sense of timing, making sure you have something of real value to offer, and knowing how to build a support team to help you sustain what you manifest so it can come into full flowering in the world.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love
Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html