Are You Being Jealous? Or, Is Your Partner Insensitive or Dishonest? How to Tell the Difference.

August 17, 2011

In my book Feeling Good and Living Great (being released July 20011), I dedicate one whole chapter to the feeling of jealousy and show you how to master it.  Along these lines I have learned from a couple clients who struggled with intense jealousy issues.  What I discovered surprised me, and it may surprise you.

On the positive side jealousy is mainly a sign of what it is you are longing for or desiring in life.  That is why I teach people to turn
their jealousy into fulfillment and give you exercises and advice in my book of how to do that.  For example, if you don’t feel good about the way you look and feel jealous of someone who looks attractive to you, you can stew in jealousy, or you can get busy fulfilling your dream to be attractive yourself.

On the negative side jealousy is a form of self-abuse.  By stewing in your jealousy you prevent yourself from moving forward to have what you really want in life.  You prevent yourself from having a fulfilling life.  Having said this, I have learned there is actually a darker side to jealousy, both in regards to those who are jealous of you, and those who accuse you of being jealous
yourself.

But, first let me share some insights I learned after working with an intensely jealous client for years that may surprise you.  This client was intensely jealous of the women he was with and was constantly accusing them of wanting other men instead of him.  For a long time I helped him deal with his insecurities and anxieties especially as even he learned to rationally see that none of the women he was with were unfaithful or wanting other men in the least.  And, then the bomb hit.  Maybe it finally came out because I had won his confidence as a counselor.  That is why he finally confided in me, “Dr. Lisa, I have a confession.  All these years I am the one who has been sleeping with and flirting with other women.”  I was floored.

In psychology we call this projection.  You project onto someone else behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are really within yourself.  Because my client was so busy cheating, lying, hiding and flirting with other women, he assumed the women he was with were doing the same thing.  He assumed they would be just as awful as he was being and so he was constantly jealous and vigilant attempting to make sure they weren’t.  Eventually with my help he cleaned up these deceitful behaviors.  As he did so, his jealousy calmed down.  As he learned to become trustworthy, he was able to more easily trust others.

Which brings me back to the title of this article.  When someone accuses you of being jealous because you ask questions about who else they are with, what their intensions are, or share your insecurities know that these behaviors in and of themselves do not constitute jealousy.  It could be that there is a valid reason for your feeling this way, especially if your partner is being dishonest with you by lying, hiding, cheating, and flirting around on you in ways you do not feel comfortable with.  That isn’t jealousy.  It is just trying to get people to be real!

However, it is jealousy if you have proof that your partner is not lying, hiding, cheating and flirting with others in disrespectful ways.  And, no partner likes to have to endlessly reassure you that he/she is an honest human being.  In fact, constantly accusing people who are honest of being dishonest flat our wears them out.  As I told my client who did this it even becomes a form of abuse.

Now, how do you know if your partner is telling the truth or lying, hiding, cheating, and flirting?  Usually, you do.  Chances are you have caught him/her in these behaviors at least a time or two (or three, or four, or five or more).  If you catch them in these behaviors and they accuse you of being jealous, know this, you are not!  They are playing the classic blame game of trying to divert attention away from their own dishonesty by making you feel the problem isn’t them, it is you.  Don’t let them get away with it.  Don’t own an issue that isn’t yours.

And, if you don’t catch them in these behaviors (lying, hiding, cheating, flirting) no matter how hard you look?  Then it is your issue.  You are being a jealous human being and it is time to get professional help.  Maybe you are like my client, maybe your jealous behaviors are a cover up for your own lying, hiding, cheating, or flirting behaviors.  Then you are projecting.  You are being a hypocrite.  Or, maybe you are just being insecure.  Then it is time to clean up those insecurities as well.  It is time to turn your jealousy into fulfillment and learn how to go constructively for what you want.  That can include being a confident, full of integrity, honest, loving, and loved human being.  And, why not go for this?  After all you are worth it.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

 

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

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Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

 

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Women Cat-Fighting Over Cheating Men & How To Stop It

August 17, 2011

Well, it’s happened again, yet another women client calling me up in tears to tell me she is the other women (or married woman) feeling hateful and upset over another woman being in her man’s life.  Tragic, but both these women have their hurt and anger misdirected.  Instead of being angry and upset with each other, they should feel pity for one another.  Then they can turn their hurt and anger where it belongs, on the jerk they are both in a relationship with who gets some sort of sick satisfaction in seeing them cat-fight over him.

Yes, both women have made an investment in the cheating man who is primarily using both of them to boost his sagging ego and to entertain himself and various parts of his anatomy, while making sure his pocketbook stays secure.  Because it is painful for these women to think that maybe this is a bad investment to begin with, they may have trouble seeing that they both have some healing work to do on themselves.  Sadly, instead of admitting they need help and healing, they find it easier to take it out on the so-called obstacle to their happiness — the other woman in the picture.

And, YES!  It is much harder to admit that the man you found so exciting and entrancing is really a jerk.  Pity the woman (yourself or the other woman) who lacks the courage and self love to get out and instead is willing to tolerate such awful treatment.

And, NO!  Just because he can abuse, lie to, and cheat on more than one woman doesn’t mean he is a good catch.  It actually means he is a really lousy one.

And, YES!  You have been duped by his so-called charming behaviors.  In fact, you have become a victim of them.  If the other woman wants to remain a vicitm, let her.  Why should you continue to put up with such behavior?

And, NO!  Leaving this jerk and letting the other woman have him doesn’t mean you will end up alone.  It means you will end up free from horrible treatment and give yourself the chance to really find a loving guy.  By the way there are loving men out there.

And, YES!  Do pity the other woman who doesn’t have the courage to say no to such awful treatment.  Offer her compassion even.  The fact is her life is hell.  She only thinks it might not be hell because she is deluded enough to believe that because her guy can dupe and abuse more than one woman, that is proof he must be  really “something.” He is, but I don’t want to say exactly what he is here.  Rather, I will play nice and encourage him to heal his own sagging ego and selfishness by getting into counseling or taking up a serious spiritual practice.  The fact of the matter is, he needs help.

And, NO!  She is not better than you, or prettier than you, or more sexy.  She is simply just as deluded as you that this guy is worth the effort.  He isn’t.  Any woman of real worth would see that, and would get out, or avoid these kind of relationships to begin with.  Now it’s your turn to do just that.  The question is where is your self-worth and how can you find it to pack up and leave and find someone who knows how to treat you a heck of a lot better?

In the meantime, I know it is hard to do the above.  That is why I am here to help you.  Just give yourself a break, have compassion for yourself, and if you haven’t gotten out of this horrible relationship, then get help with that too.  Or, if you have gotten out, congratulate yourself and pray for the other woman that she will love herself enough to get out as well. Then your cat-fight will turn into something brighter and more spiritual, it will become a light fight, as you fight to bring in the light you both need
to help each other heal.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

 

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

http://www.twitter.com/doctorlisalove

 

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

 

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:

http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

 

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Keeping the Heart Open When Life Disappoints

August 17, 2011

I’ve written about it a number of times, but it is worth the reminder.  How do we keep our hearts open when life disappoints?  I
know of no better way then the practice of compassion.  Compassion involves the art of sitting with your suffering as if you are in the midst of a Divine friend who is shining love upon you like a golden sun that both cools the anger in your heart and then melts the ice that lies on top of the anger.

It also involves the capacity to look at life with a calm, clear, and loving detachment.  Knowing how to get to this point is the same as knowing how to cultivate the witness or observer.  This observer is not cold and calculated, however.  It is wise and all-knowing and many people find it helpful to imagine this observer to be an aspect of Spirit, or a loving spiritual teacher, or akin to an angel watching over you.

In the loving light of that observer you are both able to heal your hurt and to move into loving acceptance of what is.  This acceptance is not resignation.  It is very much related to that famous saying about changing what you can, realizing what you cannot, and having the wisdom to know the difference.  If you can change it insight will emerge.  That insight will reveal how you or others need to do your shadow work, to look at ways you, or others around you were unskillful and unwise in their
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

But, without that willingness to do the shadow work on the part of yourself or others, change may not occur.  For change and the desire to do the work in the shadow can only happen if people are willing to look and to become more responsible, caring, loving, forgiving, compassionate, and wise.  If not, then acceptance that change cannot occur frees you to let go – to move on.  And, even there the heart can be utilized to offer compassion within the acceptance of what cannot change, what cannot be.

Through compassion then the heart doesn’t break and crumble, it breaks open and expands.  There love is born, love is known for yourself – for others –  for all!

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

http://www.twitter.com/doctorlisalove

 

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

 

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:

http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html

 

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The Need Within You – The Healthy Desire Underlying Our Needs

January 23, 2011
Needs. They are a fundamental part of our Being from the moment of our conception. Each need in truth is related to a healthy desire. When these desires are not fulfilled, pain steps in and distorts these needs into manifestations of anger, depression, anxiety, despair, irritation and so forth. As we honor our needs they grow and mature. If we do not, we can enter a cycle of lopsided spiritual and psychological development.

In many spiritual disciplines we are taught to transcend our desires. We are encouraged to go beyond our needs, or to recognize them as immature, or unnecessary. Too often, well meaning, but sadly misdirected Souls, attempt to fulfill the “need” to be spiritual, at the expense of other needs which rightfully require attending to. These include, the need to be loved, the need to belong, the need to be creative, the need to be respected and admired. These very human needs are cravings which can not be stamped out, suppressed, and simply broken. A mature stance indicates it is not so much a matter of casting aside our desires, but rightfully knowing how to fulfill them, and then gradually substituting them for more ennobling ones.

The fulfillment of any need begins with discovering it, and honoring it. Taking an episode from our lives which resulted in painful or ignorant behavior, we enquire, “What was the need here?” To find this need, we must be willing to move past fear and judgment. We must believe that fundamentally we acted out of need, and affirm that all needs are worthwhile. We can recognize a lack of skill in fulfilling a need, which provoked negative situations. Still, the need itself is affirmed as essential and embraced.

As we undergo this review a number of revelations can occur in even the most tragic of situations. A lack of fidelity represents a need to explore where we need more connection and intimacy in our relationships. A failed business venture signals a need for a time out from the pressures and hassles required for success. Financial struggles trigger a discovery of what needs are most essential and how they can be better fulfilled by creating a strong sense of inter-dependency with others who can offer support. A chronic depression indicates a need to recapture lost love for ourselves and others. An illness alerts us to a need to pay closer attention to our physical nature and life style. An outbreak of violence reveals a long standing need for freedom of choice. A subversion of the law represents a need to break with tradition. A quest for power and fame hides a deep seated need to be accepted, respected, and loved. These are only a few examples of possible needs underlying times in our lives when we failed to honor ourselves and act with skill and true wisdom.

As each need is recognized, we can then place it within a spiritual perspective. We begin to enquire as to the means by which we are attempting to fulfill our needs. Using the criterion of intelligent action and harmlessness, the search lights of the mind and heart are cast upon our inner impulses. We become more intimate with ourselves making it possible to deepen a healthy intimacy with others. We rest, re-organize, re-prioritize before venturing into business again. We grieve, affirm our self-worth, and renew trust, faith and hope in life thereby lifting our depression. Via exercise, nutrition, and wise education of our physical needs and cycles, we respect our bodies and cherish them whatever the condition. By finding creative ways to innovate and change, we flex and re-organize the rules, instead of violating them. In discovering the Healing Presence within we are flooded with inner peace and purge the need to force self-recognition from others.

Step by careful step we pay attention to the needs within us. With wisdom, compassion, and insight we listen to our inner nature. We re-discover the worthiness of our Being. In doing so, we rest within the ultimate need, to Love and be Loved.

Want help with the above? I’m here to assist you.
Contact me at Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html


How Do I Deal With Disappointing Events in a Spiritual Way?

January 22, 2011
Dear Dr. Lisa,

Recently I was asked to give a presentation for my work. Though I thought I had prepared well, it was not well received. Some of the criticism was even quite harsh. I know I should be able to “ride with this” with detachment, but it has not been as easy as I would like. Do you have any ideas that might help me?

Paul, Santa Fe, NM. USA

Dear Paul,

Spiritual practice is ultimately learning to apply what we know even in difficult circumstances. During this process we want to honor our human frailties, even as we remain open to transforming them. Though there are a number of methods and approaches that might be successful in helping you do this, I often begin with the psychological level. This involves simply embracing the hurt and disappointment as a parent embraces a child who has taken a bruising fall. Though it is not always popular for men to take this approach in regard to their own emotions, this comforting inward embrace, lets us know we are OK, we can cope.

Next, it is important to consider the lessons lying underneath the disappointment. This requires the capacity to detach from the emotional impact and lift into a space where you can look at what is happening with a more detached and impersonal perspective. Though it might feel natural to simply focus on those who criticized you, it is best to begin with a careful analysis of your own part in the process. What were the strengths and weaknesses in your presentation? Were there parts that you feel you did well on, no matter how it was received? For example, maybe you took more time to prepare than usual, something to be commended regardless of the impact. Or, as far as weaknesses may have been concerned, maybe you failed to read the real needs of your audience, something you might want to research and prepare more carefully for in the future.

After this process of detachment and analysis, it is important to take it a step further, into the spiritual level. This includes attempting to understand the deeper motivations underneath the criticism you received. For example, criticism designed only to tear you down, instead of used to help you move on to your next step, is never helpful. Destructive criticism is not the same as criticism used in some spiritual traditions, like Zen, as a wake up call. A father may speak sharply to a child who has entered a street unwittingly. Though the child may feel hurt, he is grateful when he sees the impending danger of the car the father was altering him to. So, try to get a sense of how the criticism directed at you was used. Is it waking you up to become more professional in your approach? Or, is it tearing you down out of jealousy or ignorance on the part of others? If it is waking you up, be grateful to these teachers. If it is tearing you down, exercise your compassion. Those who employ such methods, usually do so because they have been treated harshly in their own lives, and do not know another way to be.

Finally, move into a process of putting the entire event into an infinite perspective. Though we may tend to forget this step when impacted emotionally, and have to work our way back into remembering it, it is the most helpful step of all. Start by considering a span of five years and ask yourself how important will this event really be in your life? Move on and contemplate to a stretch of ten years, twenty years, a hundred years, even a thousand years of time. Notice how rapidly the event dissolves into insignificance. From this space, come back, and ask yourself, “If this was the last day of your life, what would you really want to remember about this day?”

Recall three specific positive qualities or events. These may include: a loving moment with a spiritual teacher, a lover, a relative, a friend; a beautiful scene in nature; a piece of music, a time of triumph, anything that reminds you again of the “good, the true, and the beautiful.” When you have recalled three specific items you would want to remember on your last day on Earth, you might even want to close with a prayer, meditation, or mantra (spiritual chant or phrase). As you do so remember that you are an infinite being, and not the little problems that ebb and flow in your life. Reabsorb yourself into this spiritual identity and let it dissolve the small tribulations of your life.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love
Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE: Go to: http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html


Stop Getting Played By a Player – Here’s How!

January 22, 2011

Every once in awhile I get a client whose behavior pattern leaves me stumped. It can be especially tricky digging through the layers of lies and deception. Like the one client I worked with for years, who seemed to have a pathological jealousy problem, until he finally trusted me enough to confess that his jealousy was a cover for the fact that he was the one indulging in the affairs he always accused his partners of. Turns out his jealousy wasn’t based on insecurity. It was based on projection, worrying that his partners were doing the same thing he was guilty of.

Having counseled so many cheaters, I’ve already heard a lot of stories. Like the man who cheated on his wife through a plethora of mostly one night stands for many years who kept trying to tell me he just couldn’t help it. After all he was a very successful business man who traveled all over the world. He was constantly surrounded by women, and told me it was not his fault he had sex with them. “I mean they are throwing themselves at me, what is a poor guy like me supposed to do?” That’s when I mentioned to him that candy is also everywhere, so why didn’t he eat it all the time? “Because I don’t want to get obese, so I chose to have control over myself,” he replied. “Exactly,” I responded. “You chose to control your behaviors, or you don’t! So stop making excuses, and do the work to make better (and more loving) choices on behalf of yourself and others.”

Like other male clients I have had, my latest client was another cheater. And, like most of the cheaters I have known he had a lot of convoluted layers of lies that helped him justify his hurtful behaviors. To begin with, he claimed at first to be separated from his wife. So, it seemed like a classic case of helping him sort out his feelings and at first I thought cheating wasn’t exactly a label that fit him. Until I discovered that while dating other women as a supposedly separated man, he was still having sexual relations with his wife and not informing the new women he met about it. “Sounds like you are still a married man,” I said. “Not exactly,” he replied, “I’m in something like an open marriage.” Note: I should have paid more attention to the “something like” part, because in time I discovered that though the wife knew he was most likely sleeping with other women, she wasn’t exactly happy about it. And, there was nothing open to it all. I’ve worked with couples in open marriages, and they are just that — open — about their relations with others. They don’t have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy,” which breeds the same dysfunctional pattern of lies, deception, and denial.

No surprise, everything seemed to go fine for this latest client until some of the new women he was sleeping with (i.e. cheating with) got attached to him. Of course, none of them understood that he was really a married man who was just fooling around. They brought into his “I’m separated” façade. “What am I supposed to do? Go without sex?” he said when I attempted to confront him on his behaviors. “But, you have sex with your wife,” I replied. “That’s different. I don’t think of her when I am having sex. I think about other women. How else can I get off?” he rationalized. Suddenly, the other client of mine – the one who made it clear he was a married man while cheating- didn’t look so bad. And, as I listened to my “separated” client my training on understanding the difference between abusive and loving behaviors came more sharply in view.

Unlike cheaters (male and female) who have a period of dissatisfaction in a relationship and don’t know how to work it out through open, loving, and compassionate communication, this latest guy (and my other clients, male and female, like him) fall into the category of players, not just cheaters. Though players are often charming, they are also highly abusive, though their kind of abuse is hard to spot. Like all abusers, players come from an entitled attitude. It is all about their needs and wants. There is no consideration for yours. Think for a moment about the classic attitudes of a player below.

Attitudes of a Player.

Being with you is mostly about me. What matters most is that I am having fun, my ego is getting a boost, and my needs are getting met. I don’t really care much about yours.

I like you, but I don’t really want to get to know you. I’d rather think of you more as entertainment and a prize catch. I don’t really want to take time to know you, understand you, appreciate or respect you. And, please leave your “drama” (i.e. humanity) at home.

I’m not really a player, after all I paid you! So, don’t try to tell me that I’ve hurt you. I paid you (in the nightclub, at the strip joint, as a hooker, in the bedroom, with some trinkets) so how could I be exploiting you? It’s not my problem your feelings got involved and hurt.

I’m great, because so many women/men are fighting over me. Never mind that I try to pit them off against each other to dodge the bullet of how I am hurting them by demeaning and manipulating them. I don’t really care who gets hurt.

I’m not dishonest, because I mostly tell the truth. Never mind that I often fail to tell you the whole truth. If I did that how could I get what I want from you? (Like money, favors, sex, my ego boost that tries to tell me how great I am to you). Faking feelings for you, creating false expectations in you that feed your hopes that I may one day want you, constantly sending out mixed messages of being available but not available, and not setting clear and respectful boundaries is all part of my way of making sure I get my needs met, without feeling too guilty about not really paying attention to yours.

When all else fails, pick a fight and run! That way when I do feel some anxiety about how I am using you, or want to get my needs met elsewhere, I can eliminate it quickly by finding something wrong about you, so I can break up with you and not feel bad about running off to go have sex with somebody else. That my break from you was abrupt and my accusations of what you did wrong were minimal (or non-existent) doesn’t matter. A players got to do what a players got to do.

Why Players Often Get Away With Being Abusive.

To begin with people often fail to understand that a player is playing them, because players are often valued as “prizes.” Typically, they have looks, money, charisma, or fame. So, people make excuses for their insensitive, cruel, and abusive behaviors.

Also, players typically prey upon people with abandonment issues so that they are more likely to convince you that there is nothing better for you. They even attempt to make you believe that you are lucky to have them in your life, so that you won’t catch on to the fact that you are far better off if you were rid of them, since they will only make your abandonment and self-esteem issues worse.

Players often dodge the bullet of being identified as players because they are frequently so evasive. By lying, telling half-truths, pitting people off against each other to divert attention away from what they are doing, or asserting what a prize they are, they dupe you into thinking they are wonderful, instead of deceptive and abusive.

Players seldom take responsibility for the hurt they cause putting the blame squarely on you. Time and again they attempt to convince you that you are lucky to be with them, and any time you feel hurt, want more, catch them in a lie, and want them to be honest, in their minds, the fault lies with you, and sadly too many victims of their abuse accept that this must be true.

How to Stop Getting Played By a Player.

Like all abusers, players prey upon people who have abandonment issues, have a history of abuse, or who feel lonely and vulnerable. If you are one of those people, seek out support groups that can help you feel better about yourself. Make a commitment to love and heal yourself, improve your self-image, and learn what love really looks like so you can have more of it in this world.

Stop focusing on the outer package and look at the inner as well. Players count on your ability to be impressed by outer hype (looks, money, charisma, status, fame). As long as you are dazzled by this, you will be more likely to ignore their lies, deception, mind games, lack of empathy, manipulations, and tendencies to use people to meet their needs while discounting your own. Take time to see what is inside the box beyond the pretty wrapping paper.

Know what your own needs are and make sure those you are in a relationship with feel responsible for reciprocity. If you are feeling cheated, used, and discounted by a partner, chances are you are! If, when you communicate your feelings about this to a partner, you find you are discounted (or worse ridiculed), back away from the person and if possible remove yourself from him or her entirely. Your needs matter too.

Learn about the signs of a player and back away immediately from that person if you spot them. This can be hard because players will tend to pour on the charm rather heavily when first meeting you. They will be far more likely than others to flatter you, pressure you, and want to make you feel as if you should be grateful to be around them. Unlike players, people who are genuinely interested in you, want to take time to get to know you. They want to assess what your needs are and learn if it is realistic to establish a reciprocal relationship with you. In short, they are interested in you for the long run, not just the short run. And, they are not focused on having you be interested in their needs over yours.

Reforming Players to Become Better People.

Of the men I have worked with few have stopped their behaviors of being a player unless the rewards tapered off. With the first man I mentioned above, his guilt over cheating on his girlfriends eventually got the better of him. He became exhausted with his double standard and how much it was costing him in the way of time, attention, and money. He was also lucky enough to keep finding girlfriends who got exhausted with him. After getting dumped for the third time, he decided it was time to come clean and learn how to be a more genuine and loving human being.

As for the married successful business man, though his cheating hasn’t ended, the consequences for his behaviors are manifesting. His wife and children essentially hate him. His wife has finally asked for a divorce. His own guilt about knowing how he is just using women as “sexual conquests” is something he readily admits to and it is beginning to bother him more. Worse, he is now 48 years old. Though he knows he could still get away with his behaviors for a time to come, he is beginning to worry that if he starts to lose his money, power, or looks things could start to go radically downhill. Then, he might end up like other male clients I have known who slip into their sixties essentially devoid of any meaningful relationships because they never knew how to establish them. As compensation they often slip into alcohol, marijuana, or other forms of substance abuse to help them cope with the inner mountain of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.

And, as for my latest client, the separated guy who is really married, and not telling anyone about it? Though at times he has some anxiety (especially about his children finding out about his behaviors and his wife going after his money in a divorce), for the most part the “chickens haven’t come home to roost.” Being a player is still bringing him too many seeming rewards. Sure, he drinks too much. True, he worries about getting found out. Yes, he is leaving a mountain of confused and broken hearts from women he dumps and he has some growing guilt emerging from knowing this. But, it hasn’t really sunk in yet. In his own eyes, he is still a great guy. Let’s hope he doesn’t end up like the one client I had years ago, who woke up one day to his mistress stabbing a pair of scissors into his balls. Let’s hope he gets conscious before it gets that bad. In the meantime, what the rest of us can do is to spot players more readily, tolerate them less easily, take away the goodies they get from being players, and have the self-esteem to stay away from them entirely until they learn how to truly love themselves and other people.

As I’ve always said, love isn’t blind at all. Love requires 20-20 vision everyone! Time to wake up and see clearly. Players be-gone!

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:
http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html


Misunderstandings, Assumptions, Ruined Relationships & How to Heal Them

January 22, 2011

Two lovers greatly desiring to marry suffer a tragic misunderstanding that leads to a life of bitterness and despair between them. Only too late is the misunderstanding revealed bringing about healing and a renewal of love. Such is the main story line of one of my favorite movies, Immortal Beloved. The movie is based upon the tale of famous composer Ludwig von Beethovan who factually left his entire fortune to a woman known only as his “Immortal Beloved.” As the movie attempts to resolve who might have been the love of his life, it reveals how two people who once passionately loved one another suffer a lifetime of wounded hearts due to a minor misperception that led to a major misunderstanding. One reason the movie is so powerful, is that these kinds of tragedies happen too much in so many people’s lives.

Misunderstandings. How often do they lead to minor or even major difficulties in our lives? In my own life one misunderstanding in particular had lifelong serious consequences for me. It occured between my father and I when I was in my early twenties and took decades to heal. Eventually my father and I had the courage to revisit the past and talk about the events that took place. The end result? Both of us discovered we had totally different perceptions. And, we each learned how we felt wounded because our different needs at the time were not met, leading to almost a lifetime of misunderstanding and hurt. When at last those events were revisited, we were both surprised to discover how we had seriously misunderstood each others mostly good intentions and actions. Fortunately, we learned to listen to each other, opened our hearts, got a more holistic view of what really happened, and thank God finally healed.

On a more minor note I remember a time when I was in my Ph.D. program. I had just met a fellow student who had a short haircut. I asked her if she was in the military or if it was just a persona (meaning look) she had adopted. She acted upset and for the next two years she often revealed her total dislike of me. Eventually, in a class where we were all in a group process session together, she blurted out her reason for hating me. “When you first met me you told me I had a militaristic personality! What a rude thing to say.” I was dumbfounded. When I restated what I had originally said, she was embarrassed. We didn’t exactly become friends after that, but at least there was peace between us.

These are just a few examples of how many relationships are impacted in a negative way because we don’t take the time to consider another person’s perspective, jump in and cling to assumptions, and fail to communicate in an effective and compassionate way where we can reach understanding and healing with one another. So, what can increase the odds of healing? Can these misunderstandings and ruined relationships ever work out? Though at times they may not, here are a few things that will help.

1. Table your assumptions. Unless you are willing to consider that you may have only a partial perspective, you won’t even bother to consider that there is something more you need to learn.

2. Remember there is always another perspective. The famous story of blind men touching an elephant is the classic example of this this. One man describes the elephant as having a trunk, one a tail, one stocky legs. All are right in their partial perspective, yet only as they add their perspectives together do they get a clearer picture of the whole.

3. Become more holistic. Wisdom and understanding come about from being able to see and include more than one point of view. Years ago a spiritual teacher told me, “All truth is paradox.” It is. Opening up your mind and heart to include the truth of various points of views is the basis for clear seeing (the real meaning of the word clairvoyance). But, to see clearly, we often have to move to a higher and broader perspective. Be willing to do so.

4. Find the good. If you only believe that people operate from negative intentions, you won’t find their good ones. In the incident with my father, we were both surprised to learn how good our intentions were. Sure, it is hard when you feel wounded and disappointed by someone to find their good intentions, but if you want healing, it is worth the search.

5. Heal the shadow. When negative events happen they almost always take place because someone is acting out of fear. In the Immortal Beloved movie, Beethovan’s beloved was afraid Beethovan didn’t love her. Her fear didn’t allow her to see that wasn’t the case at all. When fears raise their head, take time to counter them with a period of reflection and insight to discover what they are all about. Then, lift those fears back into love.

6. When the timing is right, communicate. Communication doesn’t have to be face to face at first. As someone who has had a significant amount of psychic sensitivity since a very young age, I know the power of prayer and silent communication. At the very least, prayer, reflection, and silent communication set up a psychic field of greater clarity and loving intent. Like a mother who is pregnant, it creates a period of gestation, or preparation. Then, when the person you are having difficulty with senses that enough clarity and healing has occured, reactive triggers will be lessened, and the person you want to heal things with will be more likely to hear you, and heal it as well.

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:
http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html