Loving Self and Others: Three Powerful Tips

August 17, 2011

Over a decade ago I worked at a wellness center in San Diego and coined the phrase “well-full-ness.”  And, with clients I frequently
teach people your well must be full of love before you have love to give to others. Knowing this I then started to dive into more specifically what in the world does it really mean to love yourself?  And, how do you distinguish between loving yourself and living in a selfish way that is really only feeding your egotistical tendencies.

Actually, the more I have learned to love myself the simpler the answer gets.  The more I truly love myself, the more I know what love is and the more I am able to love others.  That is why in my book Attracting Real Love and my upcoming book How NOT to Love Yourself I focus so much on getting really clear about love.

In my Youtube videos (www.youtube.com/doctorlisalove) I discuss some of the myths of love like love is blind, love hurts, and love ends.  In my articles and books I also talk about how love expands love.  When you love someone you teach them how to love themselves and others more inteilligently and compassionately.  That is why getting “well-full” with love means learning some of the following:

1)  Love is Paradox.  Love is capable of seeing both sides of something.  It is a holistic view.  It takes the time to look at the whole picture, see both points of view, and attempts to come to an inclusive view that brings about a larger picture. This doesn’t happen when people are invested in winning and losing, which leads to point two.

2)  Love is Compassionate. In compassionate communication we are taught that most people adopt two options in communication.  Option one.  I’m right and you are wrong.  That means there has to be winners and losers.  So, either you win and I  lose, or I win and you lose.  So, if I want to win I will fail to consider your point of view or have empathy for you.  Or, if I want to
lose I will consider your needs and point of view, and invalidate my own.  This is not love.  It’s abuse and victimhood.  Option two.  There are no winners and losers.  No one is right and wrong.  There are two people attempting to understand each other and have compassion for themselves and the other person.  Calmly and lovingly they consider each other’s needs and wants and through dialogue work to find peaceful ways to help both people find what makes them happy.  In my work as a relationship and love counselor time and again I see how people who can choose option two create magic and miracles together.  Sadly, those invested in option one end up in eternal war.  Or, the person who is trying to be compassionate has to walk away from the person invested in
the right/wrong blame game, until that person has suffered enough that they are willing to surrender blame/abuse/rightness and try a more loving approach.

3)  Love Sees the Light & the Shadow.  When we are invested in the win/lose game we typically don’t want to see the shadow in ourselves, or point out the shadow in others.  In fact, we naively believe that seeing the shadow is someone not loving.  But, love is inclusive, not exclusive.  And, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is throw the light on the shadow, because only then
can you bring it into more light.  So, love doesn’t pretend the shadow in yourself and others doesn’t exist.  Love is not blind.  It has 20/20 vision and that includes shadow and the light. In the light love attempts to include, reveal, understand, and heal what is going on in ourselves and others.  It moves through shame and guilt by bringing about compassion and healing.  And, it does so in a way where others don’t just let themselves off the hook for ignorant and hurtful behaviors, but work to change those behaviors to become more loving people.

Only when we can start to create a world where people have enough love to do the above can we move to the deeper aspects of real love, which goes beyond confusing love with abuse, neediness, codependency, lust, pleasure, addiction and pain.  And, it is to that quest I continue to dedicate my life.  I hope you will join me.?

Love and blessings to you!

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

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Constant vs. Unconditional Love

August 17, 2011

For some months now I have been puzzling over the phrase unconditional love, wondering is it really  possible to love someone unconditionally?  Being a writer and someone sensitive to the meaning of words, I have come to the conclusion that the word “unconditional” is a a poor choice of word to convey what we are really meaning when we say “unconditional love.” Finally, I have
settled on a phrase I like better “constant love.”  Here is why.

To  begin with when we really look at it, it is impossible to love someone without conditions.  Even a study of the world’s spiritual teachers and traditions reveal there are conditions everywhere.  Jesus in the Christian tradtion for example, says, “Go and sin no more.”  He doesn’t say, “Go and sin again.”  Now, even if you sin again, the idea is there that you will still be loved.  Therefore, there are no conditions regarding the fact that love will remain constant.  But, and here is where it gets tricky, the point of love is to expand consciousness, to expand the field of love.  And, that can only happen if people wake up and become more conscious, more loving, less hurtful, less selfish.

The  problem for me is that when we use the phrase unconditional love it implies that there are no expectations, no conditions. But, there are expectations and conditions in spiritual traditions, the main ones being that you become a more loving, soulful, conscious, compassionate and caring person.  But, even if you don’t, even if you don’t live up to these expectations, their love is constant, it remains, while they go on encouraging (and in many ways expecting) us to become these things.

In  fact a loving response may very well be to have expectations of people.  Research is increasingly showing that people who have
expectations put upon them do better than those who do not.  The point is how you put those expectations on others.  Do you impose them in an unloving and cruel manner making it impossible for people to reach them?  And, do you pusnish them and throw them away when they do not?  That does not encourage becoming conscious, caring, or loving in anyone!

And, here is the thing — I want to love people enough to expect them to wake up, realize who they are as spiritual beings, and learn to be more compassionate and loving.  But, I don’t want to punish people if they do not, or withdraw my love.  I want to love them, believe in them, encourage them, and help them to be that which at essence they are, loving and spiritual beings.  I also want
that same expectation imposed in a loving way on me.  I want to be loved conditionally in this way!  It helps me grow and to become a better person.  But, I want it imposed on me in a loving, constant, and caring way.

So, I am going to be picky from now on and no longer use the phrase unconditional love.  I respect what people mean by it; I
think they mean what I am saying above.  I just don’t believe anymore the word unconditional conveys the right meaning here.  Your thoughts?

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

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Radical Honesty: A Way to Freedom

January 23, 2011

For one year in the 1980’s I practiced telling the truth in everything I said and did, including within my very thoughts.  It was a difficult year to try to discern how to tell the truth about what I thought and felt and be honest in a way that was tactful and kind.  One thing I did was follow the advise before speaking to ask, “Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?” 

To decipher this saying more clearly, I would ask myself, “Is what I am about to say really true?  Meaning is it really my truth?  Is it really the truth about the other person?  Is it colored by judgment, prejudice, assumptions?”  Taking time to consider this before speaking was very powerful.  Then I would ask, “Is it kind?  Meaning, is what I am saying said in a compassionate and thoughtful way?  Will it really serve the person by saying it?  Even if I do say it, will it help them grow, or just be a futile effort that will make them defensive, shatter their self-esteem, and run them down somehow?  Having taken time to evaluate this, is there still a way I can be honest and yet kind in what I am telling him or her?”  Finally, I would ask, “Is it necessary?  Meaning it this really the right time and place to tell this truth?  Or, is there a better time when the person will be more receptive to it, and therefore more likely to hear what I am saying?  Or, is it necessary for me to say this truth right now for my own peace of mind, self-esteem, and integrity?  If so, can I say it in the most thoughtful way?”

Since that year I have gone on to learn other approaches to truth telling, including that of Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication.  I’m still a newbie at this, but I find it a very powerful approach.  And, as of today, I was also blessed to discover a book called Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth by Brad Blanton.  You can read the Introduction to it on Amazon.com. 

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Honesty-Transform-Telling-Truth/dp/0440507545

 Along these lines here is what I also know.  According to an Eastern system of conscious development outlined by the seven chakras (or energy centers located in the body), the “throat center” (located in the throat area of course) is all about speaking, listening to, and hearing the truth.  In other words, when we learn to live in truth and speak in truth to each other it opens the gateway between the head and the heart centers.  Truth telling in the right way opens the gateway to a sense of oneness with others, a clear seeing of reality, and tapping into the universal source of love. 

When we don’t come from truth what are the results?  Brad Blanton lists quite a few in his book.  You can also find some in another excellent resource a book called The New IQ: How Integrity Intelligence Serves You, Your Relationships, and Our World by David Gruder.  http://www.amazon.com/New-IQ-Integrity-Intelligence-Relationships/dp/1604150130  Then there is another excellent resource in the well-known book The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz.  http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424505.  All these books help reveal something the chakra system also reflects, when we don’t live in truth we commit a kind of suicide.  As Blanton states lies are the major source of human stress.  Lies literally kill you.  (Or, as Merlin says in the movie Excaliber, “Everytime a man lies he murders a part of the world.”). 

Think about it.  If your throat center is closed off so is your ability to listen as well as speak and sing well.  With a closed throat you can’t take in the same amount of air into your lungs.  Unable to breath your anxiety level shoots up and your circulation shuts down.  (No wonder so many people compensate for throat center problems and anxiety by smoking.  Is it a desparate attempt to deal with the anxiety that happens from not living in integrity and telling the truth?  Is it one of the only ways they know how to get air into their lungs?).  Worse, once your circulation is cut off so is the blood flow to your heart blocked.  And, if the heart center is about loving and being loved, then in fact lying (especially hiding, which is Blanton states is the worst form of lying) is killing your chances for love in your life.  Maybe that is why people react so much to lies.  It hurts to know that people don’t love themselves or us enough to be open, honest, to tell the truth.

Ok.  Knowing this I confess, unlike the year I was totally rigorous in my truth telling, due to some stressful times in my life I started to find that it was easier at times to hide, fudge, or lie about the little things in my life.  (For example, I might fudge and say I am late to a meeting because traffic got in the way, instead of confessing I was late getting out the door because I was unmotivated to go).  But, when I do this the immediate result is I feel lousy.  Fortunately, I have been exercising my truth telling muscles long enough that I rarely keep even a minor untruth hidden for long.  And, as of late I have been going back to my practice of practicing truth telling no matter what.  (For example, I can say that I was late getting out the door, but I’m working on getting my life more organized so it won’t happen anymore.  Or, I can have a conversation with myself or a trusted counselor friend of mine and explore the resistance I am having to attending the meeting and see what I can do about that so I either get more responsible in my commitments or take responsibility to get out of them and not make them in the first place).

The end result of truth telling?  I feel better about myself.  I feel better about my life.  I sleep better at nights.  My friends know that they can count on me to be honest, even if it doesn’t always make me look good (which may be a relief as all of us at some level see through the lies we are telling ourselves.  Better to just get them out!  In makes us easier to be around). 

Another strange effect of truth telling I have noticed lately from a law of attraction perspective, the truth about myself and others literally lands in our laps.  In fact, a week ago I was talking to someone who I suspected was lying to me about something.  At that moment, that person was inspired to hand me his cell phone.  He wanted me to hear a song on his IPhone.  And, just as he handed it to me, a text message appeared from someone totally validating that he was lying to me.  He was shocked and upset at being caught in such a strange way.  And, I was disappointed that he still couldn’t just be honest with me.

 On a final note, consider this.  We are living in an increasingly transparent world.  The truth gets out there someway, somehow!  Maybe it is time them for all of us to stop living in fear and start telling the truth to ourselves and others in a compassionate, thoughtful, and even humorous way.  Remember love and fear cannot co-exist in the same space.  As for me?  I’m all for love.  Let’s get honest with each other.  We are after all worth it!

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love.  All rights reserved. 

 http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

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The Consequences for the Married Person Having an Affair

January 23, 2011

Though it is easy find reasons to condemn the married person who has an affair, I prefer the approach of insight, compassion, love, and wisdom that I am offering here. To begin with there are many reasons why people enter into an affair. They include — the need for excitement, a feeling of loneliness, a desire for sexual exploration, the need to be affirmed as a person, and at times a genuine feeling of love for the person the married individual is having an affair with.

Having said this before I go through the list again above and offer insight and understanding, I will share a basic teaching that is part of most advanced psychology degree programs. It is called “triangulation.” This very fancy word simply means when two people are in conflict with each other, they attempt to form a triangle (find a third person) to relieve their need to confront each other and their stress.

If I am married to you and our marriage is no longer exciting to me, I am lonely, I want more sexual variety, or I believe you are not affirming, valuing, and paying attention to me enough — it seems much easier for me to have an affair than to communicate to you about what I am going through so we can work on healing this together. Or, it seems easier to have an affair than to face the painful truth that our relationship needs to come to an end. (That is what the woman in that commercial is thinking when she is too afraid to confront her husband about his abusive and disrespectful behavior. At the end of the commercial she looks over at another man and thinks, “Hmmm… this might be better.” The commercial ends by saying “When divorce is not an option.” I prefer it would say, “When your love for yourself and others is way too low to be honest, we believe deception seems the only way out.”)

Though “triangulation” always seems to provide immediate relief, it can complicate things in a much more extreme way as the triangulation continues because now THREE (instead of two people) need to have their feelings, needs, desires, communicated and expressed. Plus, triangulation frequently involves deception. If I don’t know how to be honest, if I don’t know how to be truthful with you (because I am afraid and don’t have the courage to do the loving and right thing), then more than likely I will be dishonest with myself and all others I am with (spouse, lover, business partners, friends, family, etc.)

The layers and layers of dishonesty can lead to some bizarre acts of deception. (Like traveling to Argentina to see your mistress, while pretending to everyone around you that you are on a “hike on the Applachian Trail.”) That dishonesty also leads to physical ailments, intense bouts of guilt and shame, and the eventual killing off of your joyful nature and spiritual soul. Most sadly of all it creates a diminshed capacity to love — yourself and everyone else around you.

What might some of the remedies be for triangulation? Obviously, honesty is the number one thing that is needed. If in your attempt to be honest your partner is abusive, uncooperative, unfeeling, and is unable to have true compassion or understanding regarding what you are sharing with them, then at the very least counseling is advised with someone very skilled to help you through it. If this still doesn’t work, divorce may have to be an option. And, if it comes to this I encourage you as much as possible to make it a PEACEFUL DIVORCE. (See www.divorce-inaday.com to learn how lawyers will prey on couples who are divorcing to keep them fighting and hostile as a way to ensure lawyers get paid $300 to $400 an hour, while destroying your pocketbook, equity, and family in the process).

And, what about that rare event where a married person really does find his soulmate? As I say in my book, BEYOND THE SECRET, soul mating can only happen between two soulful people. All the rest is ego. Then, ideally the married person, spouse, and even the “other man or woman” all need to be considered in the process. As do the children and all other factors involved. True, I have seen two couples (a married person and someone outside the relationship) who made it and eventually ended up together. But, they went through a process few people want to participate it. They sought at the highest level to love and understand each other. They made every attempt to be harmless to everyone involved. The end result was that they expanded the circle of love for all.

But, how many people can play at that high conscious loving level? Extremely few. Which is why the majority of married people who leave their spouse to marry the “other man or woman” find themselves ending that relationship faster than they ever imagined. (Most likely because they were infatuated and stuck on the “high” of the romance in their affair, over really learning to love, cherish, and value each other flaws and all).

In the end, what is most important to me is that no matter what happens people learn to love! That love requires courage, honesty, compassion, insight, wisdom, and more. To married, unmarried, and every person I wish an abundance of this to all.

Blessings,

Dr. Lisa Love

Dr. Lisa Love Website

Copyright © 2009 by Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

About Dr. Lisa Love

Check out my NEW BOOK: SOUL SUCCESS: How to Create Joy & Prosperity in Good Times or Bad Buy the book and receive bonus gifts at my website.

Best-selling author of BEYOND THE SECRET: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction. She is also a Life, Relationship, Law of Attraction, and Tranformational coach. There’s a reason my clients tell me by working with me they get major breakthroughs fast! Decades of coaching and counseling experience combined with my extensive training and work with clients from all backgrounds help my clients make shifts in a rapid way. Contact me to discover what I can do for you.

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Three Distinctions Between Abusive & Non-Abusive Mindsets & Behaviors

January 22, 2011

1. Blame vs. Accountability.

One of the major tatics of abuse is the blame game. And, there are numerous ways it is played these days. The blame game is about avoiding taking a look at, or being accountable for my harmful behaviors. I simply find ways to:

a) Ignore what I have done,
b) Run from what I have done,
c) Discount what I have done (by telling people I have hurt to “get over it” so I can avoid having empathy for their hurt and pain),
d) Act above it all in regards to what I have done (you simply don’t get how stupid you are, worthless you are, insignificant you are compared to me, so stop complaining about my bad treatment of you).

And, abuse frequently involves shifting responsibility for any hurts I have caused onto you. In short, I find ways to make it your fault, not mine, that I have abused you. Time and again, abusers are unwilling to look at their own behaviors & perceptions & see how things look and feel in the eyes, hearts, and minds of others. Lacking empathy and stuck needing to deflect any sense of guilt and shame, I fail to consider the hurtful impact I may have had on others. Rarely, if ever, am I inclined to see my part, and say I’m sorry. Plus, even if I say I am sorry, it is usually just an attempt to get my power back, without any sincere attempt to make up for hurts caused by me and inflicted on others.

The alternative to this? Accountability. Accountability includes the following:

a) A genuine attempt on my part to listen to your pain with compassion and empathy.
b) A willingness to question my assumptions and perceptions and consider your point of view.
c) A sincere examination of what I may need to change in my belief system, expression of emotions, and behaviors so I can become a more loving, kind, and compassionate human being.
d) Taking time to gain insight as to why I engage in entitled & abusive behaviors, and using compassion with myself to help me cope with my guilt and shame for having hurt others, while resolving to become a better human being.
e) Attempting to make restitution for what I have done so that an environment of mutual respect and love can be re-established amongst those I have harmed.
f) Committing to be more transperant, honest, sincere, humble, and loving in my interactions with others.

2. Superiority vs. Humility.

Truly spiritual people are actually humble people. That is why some of the most spiritual people you will ever know may not have much outer external power (in the way of money, fame, looks) at all. And, for those who do become well known as being spiritual leaders of some kind, there is a constant awareness of no matter how spiritual one is, one is still human. One still has flaws. Thus, truly spiritual people are much more likely to greet others on an equal level. They know they still have much to learn. Growing in love and compassion for others is a process that is continually evolving. Mistakes will be made and truly spiritual people are more than willing to look for how they make mistakes, and continue to learn from the process.

Yet, superior “spiritual” people are actually quite the opposite.

a. They have a need for power over others and constantly applaud themselves for how powerful they are (look at how I changed that person, look at how much money they pay me for the workshop, look at how many followers I have, look at my mastery of “mind over matter,” look at how many spiritual people I hang out with, look at how many spiritual books I have read). All of these are a version of what I called in my Beyond the Secret book the “See Me” game. All of them bring the energy and attention back to me and how special I am compared to you.

b. They are constantly afraid of losing their spiritual status. Always on the defensive, they worry constantly about losing the things that give them power (money, fame, looks) and are almost obsessive about making sure they stay on top (with everyone else on the bottom).

c. They need to collect followers to maintain that status and will even resort to hypocrisy, lying, and cheating to get followers and maintain a “spiritual” image. Transperancy is something they can’t and won’t tolerate. Sadly, this means they are often highly protective and reactive about defending their outer image, even privately abusing anyone that threatens to blow their outer “innocent” cover.

d. They do no wrong. They can’t be questioned. They have all the answers. They always know better than you do. Dismissing other people’s feelings and point of view are easy. Though they also tend to become hyper vigilant in case they need to knock competitors out who might threaten their status and know-how.

3. Charm vs. Authentic Presence.

People who tend to make a big splash and gain a lot of power tend to have a certain level of charm. Charms put spells on people and charm is the ability to make you believe I am more than I really am. Learning to charm people with looks, money, words, promises, hype, and more are classic tatics. And, in a world focused so much on externals, people are easily fooled into being duped and then out of embarrassment may not admit that this has occured.

Though truly spiritual people may also possess charming attributes, they are more dedicated to maintaining an authetic presence. Not concerned with followers (even if they have them), they desire much more to reveal their human foilables, possibly even losing followers (money & power) in the process because they reveal themselves to be less than super-human.

In the end, spiritual people live by an ethic of love, compassion, and kindness. And, even if they fall short of their ideals along these lines, they are far more likely to consider how they can improve themselves, than to desire that only you improve.

Want help with the above? Check out my Attracting & Keeping REAL Love: Prepare Yourself for Love Program.

http://doctorlisalove.com/attracting_love_combo_prepare.html

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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Brain Research Into the Healthy & Unhealthy Impacts of Sex on Women & Men

January 22, 2011

Sex can be one of the most wonderful experiences anyone will ever have. As brain research shows at the time of orgasm oxytocin is released for both men and women, which is one of the main feel good chemicals known. For men the added chemical of testosterone increases their aggressive tendencies and sex drives. Men with higher testosterone levels will be more sexually aggressive and assertive. This tendency to be aggressive will be increased even more if the man has a high level of vasopressin (an aggression chemical found in the amygadala of the brain).

Dopamine is the third major chemical driving men to have sex and when dopamine levels are low, a man essentially loses his sexual desire. It is no wonder then that men have a strong drive for sex. They are both biologically and chemically driven. How then does the male sex drive become destructive, especially for women, if it is not understood and worked with in a conscious and careful manner?

Understanding What Happens to Women Biologically in the Brain During Sex

First, let’s understand some of the differences biologically and chemically between men and women’s brains during sex. To start with, women’s brains are more hard wired for bonding. Consider the major feel good hormone, oxytocin. What makes orgasm feel so good is the release of this powerful chemical at the time orgasm occurs. Oxytocin is also known as the bonding chemical. It helps dissolve the sense of boundaries and gives that sense of being at-one in large or small ways with yourself, your partner, or for those who achieve more mystical states, the world.

Interestingly enough, women tend to have oxytocin levels that are ten times larger then men have. No surprise then, that women tend to get more bonded to their partners when orgasm occurs. For a man, shortly after orgasm (in an hour or two), the oxytocin level drops off. His testosterone and vasopressin levels have done their work. He has achieved orgasm. Now that his work is finished, time to move on and shift focus. But, for the woman her higher levels of oxytocin, which can last in her system for two days, combined with other female hormones move her towards a greater sense of fusion and vulnerability with the man she has just had a sexual experience with. After all, for a woman to even reach climax she is required to surrender, open up, and become vulnerable in a deep way to the man she is with. No surprise then, the woman tends to feel more attached. It is her biological & chemical makeup that motivates this.

What a Woman Needs to Feel Good AFTER Sex & What Can Make Her Feel Lousy

For a woman to feel safe after an orgasm and sex, it is vitally important then that she feels cherished by the man she is with. And, most women feel cherished if a man bonds with her in return, which is why the rituals of romance, courtship, the security of commitment, and even marriage feel so vital to her. She wants to know that she is valued especially since unlike men (who can go through trillions of sperm in a life time), she has on average only 300 eggs for as long as she lives. That means she has only 300 opportunities, each one carefully nourished over a span of a month, to bring her creative essence into the world.

What happens then if a woman does not feel cherished, respected, and connected to her partner after sex? Fascinatingly enough within approximately a day or two later as her oxytocin levels diminish a woman will suddenly experience a cortisol dump. Cortisol is the chemical that is released during stress. It is also the chemical that causes us to age and potentially gain weight. Worse, after she gets the cortisol dump a woman has a high risk for entering into a state of depression. That is why so many women feel hurt, confused, angry, and traumatized after sex. It is also why that orgasm that just felt so good, can suddenly feel so bad causing rapid mood swings (a fact about women that confuses and frustrates men). Biologically it is time to realize once and for all then that women, unlike men who can biologically disconnect easier, are not designed for sexual liasons that only last a time or two.

And, it’s time to understand that as a woman becomes biologically bonded to a man through orgasm and the oxytocin release, if she is subjected to a fast dumping or traumatic breakup shortly after, it can cause her premature aging, weight gain, health problems and more! Unless a woman who engages in casual sex is especially adept at knowing how to handle the sexual experience with a high level of spiritual detachment and inner spiritual security, she is running a huge psychological and emotonal risk. And, even if she has a fairly enlightened approach to casual sex, her biology may still be at odds with her.

Why Stable Lasting Sexual Relations Are Good Biologically for Both Men & Women

Considering these differences, it seems a little crazy that nature has designed such a system, where male and female brain chemistry seem so at odds with each other. Are we all just doomed to men being a bunch of insensitives and sex addicts, and women being a bunch of crazy hysterics over feeling used, when it comes to sex? The good news is, nature does seem to have another purpose related to sex. Researchers are also finding out that when men and women enter into stable sexual relations together, where the oxytocin chemical is shared between them on a consistent basis, bonding between men and women gets increasingly deep, so much so, there is a visible difference in brain scans between couples that are bonded over the long run through sex, and those who are not. In fact, scientists are now discovering that they can see if a couple is “in love” or not. By love, they are not talking about the kind of love that happens during the first six to twelve months that is really about infatuation. But, the kind of love that is deep, lasting, and conducive to activating parts of the brain that enhance in each person a deeper sense of well being and a greater inclination towards compassion.

What this shows then is that essentially for sex to be healthy for men and women, it needs to increasingly become more about love, respect, empathy and compassion. Though it is understandable that men are driven by their biology to want more sex, and possibly have more sexual partners, based on the research I have read, it might be inferred that men (as well as women) benefit from a sense of stability and commitment with the sexual partners they have. Why? Mainly because researchers are finding that having a stable and giving sexual partner allows for more frequent sex. In turn that allows for more of an oxytocin release, which in men also moderates their aggressive tendencies that come about through testoterone and vasopressin. Plus, within a stabilizing, loving, and respective partnership, both men and women enhance the parts of their brains that lead to well being and compassion. Finally, as a couple has sex more frequently together not only their brain waves, but even their heart rates seem to sync up. In essence, the two really are becoming one!

What Makes Sex Detrimental Afterwards for Women & Men

What becomes traumatic for women, and even for men, is when sex numbs out the deeper levels of sensitivity and connection. Then testoterone and vasopressin run rampant making the approach to sex more about conquest, ego, domination, entertainment, and degradation of oneself and others. When sex is approached in this way men especially run the risk of losing the moral, stabilizing, harmonious, bonding influences that sex is attempting to bring them. Instead, men become overly dominated by their aggressive sexual tendencies leading them into a series of superficial meaningless sexual liasons that feed the ego desires of craving and domination, while diminishing the loving nature of their souls. Interestingly enough brain research is showing that these superficial liasons also tend to shrink the frontal lobes of the brain (in men and women), which is the part of the brain responsible for moral reasoning, the overall sense of well-being, love, and the capacity to develop compassion for oneself and others in the world.

As for what happens to women who are subjected to sex that essential prostitutes them and sinks them into a series of one-night stands? In addition to frontal lobe diminishment, they are also far more prone to depression, premature aging, and diseases of all kinds (far beyond simply sexual ones). More then men they tend to lose their sense of self-worth (perhaps because unlike men with their millions of sperm a day, a women invests a lot more in each of her 300 eggs, even taking an entire month to cultivate just one!). This greater level of loss and insecurity over having gone through a loss may be one reason women are more prone to enter into a level of despair when they are not nourished, protected, provided for, and respected by men they have sex with.

The biological and psychlogical incubation period of a woman’s creative process may also explain why women especially need to be courted over time before giving men sex. Biologically women are more invested in the act of sex. Ideally, that means she is taking time to discern who she is sharing her body (egg, sexual/creative energy) with. And, if she is conscious she is also considering the deeper creative purpose underlying an act of sex beyond simply having an orgasm or getting pregnant. Her creative sexual energy is precious. It makes sense that she takes time to discern if she will be fulfilled creatively, emotionally, and sexually after the encounter, or risk wasting her one precious creative opportunity (as it is expressed through the cultivation of her egg, and sexual/creative energy) in a brief, traumatic, or abusive sexual encounter.

Getting the Most Out of Sexual Relations in a Healthy Way

So, biologically we see men are very different from women. They are driven hormonally to want sex and to have it right now. As women are learning to appreciate that fact about men, they have been attempting to be more flexible about giving men more of the sex they want. In the right loving spirit, this is a very good thing, which is why I frequently teach the women I counsel to understand this need their men have. I also teach them to take responsibility for looking good for their man (once they have selected a man). And, I teach them to find creative ways to keep sex spontaneous and enjoyable. Plus, I share with them ways they can bring a spirit of play, love, and joy into sex to help create a more loving connection with their man not only through sex, but creatively, at many levels.

But, hopefully in return men will start to understand that women are different from them, not only in how women value their few precious eggs over the trillions of sperm men have (with many men happily wasting lots of sperm a day). But, I want to help men understand that women have a different chemical and hormonal brain response to sex then they do. Remember a woman’s horomonal/chemical response makes her more fragile and likely to bond to a man especially in the act of orgasm. Knowing this a man can enter into a sexual relastionship with a greater spirit of love in regards to a woman even saying to himself, “O.K. I want a sexual conenction with her. But, then most likely she will become bonded and connected to me. If I don’t treat her respectfully, carefully, lovingly, and responsibly if I create such a connection, biologically even she is likely to go through a great deal of stress and risk losing her emotional and physical health. Knowing this, what do I do?”

Hopefully, he will be motivated to treat his woman in loving ways even if she is only there for a brief time in his life. In turn a man will gain some rewards beyond merely sexual release. He will get a woman with an oxytocin glow who feels loving, connected, and excited when near him. So, please when you have sex with a woman, treat her as if she matters to you. I’m going beyond simply making sure you have safe sex with her. She is not simply a body, but a person. And, that person you are with is risking a great deal beyond simply pregnancy or sexual diseases that you believe a condom protects her from.

Bad enough that she is risking having a child or getting a sexual disease. She is also risking becoming bonded to you. And, if that bond is broken in a bad way she will only be stressed out after being with you, becoming prematurely aged, sick, fat and depressed after having connected with you. What’s the point of taking all these risks for her just to satisfy your ego? (Note: In the sex slave and prostitution world, which is the major crisis of our times, young girls age 12 and up are even being asked, or forced, to take steorids that are used to fatten cattle quickly for slaughter. Why? Because they want the girls to age rapidly as well. That way the illusion is created that they are 18 instead of 12, disguising the fact that rape and child abuse is what is really occuring in these horrible sexual liasons. So, on top of all the other trauma being dumped on that young girl merely for satisfying a male sexual urge, think of the even more horrible illnessness and abuses being inflicting upon her due to use of these steorid drugs).

Where to Go From Here – Loving & Healthy Sex

In conclusion, how can men and women get the most out of their sexual experiences together? To begin with move beyond the STD and pregnancy worries. They are important to discuss and manage, but realize once and all there is a lot more going on in sexual relations than that especially on an emotional level. For men this means understanding that if you are having sex with a woman you are responsible at the very least for making a commitment to her at some level (like cultivating a loving attitude of respect towards her, being honest and transperant with her, being willing to cherish and not violate her boundaries, and even taking a responsibility to at least befriend her). Know also that you have some connection to the unhappiness and depression that will overwhelm her if she has an orgasm with you and then you abuse her, dump her, or fail to bond with her or respect her.

Now you know, the odds are very high that a woman will become bonded to a you when she has sex with you. Her biology and brain chemistry are impelling her to! So, be careful. Love and respect her. I understand your biology is running on a green light 24/7. But, hers is not! And, it’s not for a reason. She is taking her time to cultivate energetically something very special in her creative sexual potential. Energetically she is taking time to cultivate the energy of love with you. That is worth something for you. Because she is doing so, she is helping your own biology to overcome your own natural tendency to become aggressive, insensitive and disconnected from your capacity to be a compassionate and moral human being when your frontal lobes shrink due to abusive and disrespectful sexual encounters. Do you really want to put yourself through that? Doesn’t love mean something to you as well? The frontal lobes of your brain believe so!

As for women, ignore the plethora of advertising trying to overwhelm you into believing that you can be detached from sexual experiences. Maybe some women can (who probably have more male hormones in their system anyway), but odds are you can’t! Your biology and chemistry dictates otherwise. Pretending you won’t be impacted emotionally is like denying you have a womb, which is also a biological part of you. What this means is every time you have an orgasm with a man you undergo a biological and chemical risk. Is this man really worth that risk to you? Is he worth the risk of becoming attached to someone not good for you, where you will age yourself prematurely, gain weight, sink into a depression, and even lose your self-esteem and self-respect if he dumps you, fails to respect you, and at the very least doesn’t care about you enough to at least befriend and cherish you? Seriously, those few days of an oxytocin high have a dramatic and potentially hugely damaging chemical flip side. Start becoming more conscious of it.

And, if you need to take nature for an inspiration. Most female animals are highly selective of their mates. It’s time human women got back to being that way too. We expect men to court us for a reason. And, by the way it is long past time to stop basing a man’s worth on his ability to provide financially for you. That is an increasingly archaic notion that can actually be harmful for women. Why? Because lots of abusive, controlling, and immoral men are really good at making a living. They use their high levels of testosterone and vasopressin to get them into those roles. And, often as they get there, they can become really lousy human beings. Instead, base your courtship on discovering what kind of human being you will be connecting with. Is your man using his male biology to be predatory, insensitive, aggressive, and immoral? Or, is he using it to be assertive, dynamic, vital, compassionate, and a loving “humane” human being? When women put the focus primarily on character before they engage in sex, they not only help themselves, they help the men they are with to be more loving. Then sex will create healthy connections and remove the unhealthy aspects where sex can turn us into more violent, insensitive, and disconnected human beings. Instead, sex will create what it is meant to create – a more loving, compassionate and connected world.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

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Stop Getting Played By a Player – Here’s How!

January 22, 2011

Every once in awhile I get a client whose behavior pattern leaves me stumped. It can be especially tricky digging through the layers of lies and deception. Like the one client I worked with for years, who seemed to have a pathological jealousy problem, until he finally trusted me enough to confess that his jealousy was a cover for the fact that he was the one indulging in the affairs he always accused his partners of. Turns out his jealousy wasn’t based on insecurity. It was based on projection, worrying that his partners were doing the same thing he was guilty of.

Having counseled so many cheaters, I’ve already heard a lot of stories. Like the man who cheated on his wife through a plethora of mostly one night stands for many years who kept trying to tell me he just couldn’t help it. After all he was a very successful business man who traveled all over the world. He was constantly surrounded by women, and told me it was not his fault he had sex with them. “I mean they are throwing themselves at me, what is a poor guy like me supposed to do?” That’s when I mentioned to him that candy is also everywhere, so why didn’t he eat it all the time? “Because I don’t want to get obese, so I chose to have control over myself,” he replied. “Exactly,” I responded. “You chose to control your behaviors, or you don’t! So stop making excuses, and do the work to make better (and more loving) choices on behalf of yourself and others.”

Like other male clients I have had, my latest client was another cheater. And, like most of the cheaters I have known he had a lot of convoluted layers of lies that helped him justify his hurtful behaviors. To begin with, he claimed at first to be separated from his wife. So, it seemed like a classic case of helping him sort out his feelings and at first I thought cheating wasn’t exactly a label that fit him. Until I discovered that while dating other women as a supposedly separated man, he was still having sexual relations with his wife and not informing the new women he met about it. “Sounds like you are still a married man,” I said. “Not exactly,” he replied, “I’m in something like an open marriage.” Note: I should have paid more attention to the “something like” part, because in time I discovered that though the wife knew he was most likely sleeping with other women, she wasn’t exactly happy about it. And, there was nothing open to it all. I’ve worked with couples in open marriages, and they are just that — open — about their relations with others. They don’t have a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy,” which breeds the same dysfunctional pattern of lies, deception, and denial.

No surprise, everything seemed to go fine for this latest client until some of the new women he was sleeping with (i.e. cheating with) got attached to him. Of course, none of them understood that he was really a married man who was just fooling around. They brought into his “I’m separated” façade. “What am I supposed to do? Go without sex?” he said when I attempted to confront him on his behaviors. “But, you have sex with your wife,” I replied. “That’s different. I don’t think of her when I am having sex. I think about other women. How else can I get off?” he rationalized. Suddenly, the other client of mine – the one who made it clear he was a married man while cheating- didn’t look so bad. And, as I listened to my “separated” client my training on understanding the difference between abusive and loving behaviors came more sharply in view.

Unlike cheaters (male and female) who have a period of dissatisfaction in a relationship and don’t know how to work it out through open, loving, and compassionate communication, this latest guy (and my other clients, male and female, like him) fall into the category of players, not just cheaters. Though players are often charming, they are also highly abusive, though their kind of abuse is hard to spot. Like all abusers, players come from an entitled attitude. It is all about their needs and wants. There is no consideration for yours. Think for a moment about the classic attitudes of a player below.

Attitudes of a Player.

Being with you is mostly about me. What matters most is that I am having fun, my ego is getting a boost, and my needs are getting met. I don’t really care much about yours.

I like you, but I don’t really want to get to know you. I’d rather think of you more as entertainment and a prize catch. I don’t really want to take time to know you, understand you, appreciate or respect you. And, please leave your “drama” (i.e. humanity) at home.

I’m not really a player, after all I paid you! So, don’t try to tell me that I’ve hurt you. I paid you (in the nightclub, at the strip joint, as a hooker, in the bedroom, with some trinkets) so how could I be exploiting you? It’s not my problem your feelings got involved and hurt.

I’m great, because so many women/men are fighting over me. Never mind that I try to pit them off against each other to dodge the bullet of how I am hurting them by demeaning and manipulating them. I don’t really care who gets hurt.

I’m not dishonest, because I mostly tell the truth. Never mind that I often fail to tell you the whole truth. If I did that how could I get what I want from you? (Like money, favors, sex, my ego boost that tries to tell me how great I am to you). Faking feelings for you, creating false expectations in you that feed your hopes that I may one day want you, constantly sending out mixed messages of being available but not available, and not setting clear and respectful boundaries is all part of my way of making sure I get my needs met, without feeling too guilty about not really paying attention to yours.

When all else fails, pick a fight and run! That way when I do feel some anxiety about how I am using you, or want to get my needs met elsewhere, I can eliminate it quickly by finding something wrong about you, so I can break up with you and not feel bad about running off to go have sex with somebody else. That my break from you was abrupt and my accusations of what you did wrong were minimal (or non-existent) doesn’t matter. A players got to do what a players got to do.

Why Players Often Get Away With Being Abusive.

To begin with people often fail to understand that a player is playing them, because players are often valued as “prizes.” Typically, they have looks, money, charisma, or fame. So, people make excuses for their insensitive, cruel, and abusive behaviors.

Also, players typically prey upon people with abandonment issues so that they are more likely to convince you that there is nothing better for you. They even attempt to make you believe that you are lucky to have them in your life, so that you won’t catch on to the fact that you are far better off if you were rid of them, since they will only make your abandonment and self-esteem issues worse.

Players often dodge the bullet of being identified as players because they are frequently so evasive. By lying, telling half-truths, pitting people off against each other to divert attention away from what they are doing, or asserting what a prize they are, they dupe you into thinking they are wonderful, instead of deceptive and abusive.

Players seldom take responsibility for the hurt they cause putting the blame squarely on you. Time and again they attempt to convince you that you are lucky to be with them, and any time you feel hurt, want more, catch them in a lie, and want them to be honest, in their minds, the fault lies with you, and sadly too many victims of their abuse accept that this must be true.

How to Stop Getting Played By a Player.

Like all abusers, players prey upon people who have abandonment issues, have a history of abuse, or who feel lonely and vulnerable. If you are one of those people, seek out support groups that can help you feel better about yourself. Make a commitment to love and heal yourself, improve your self-image, and learn what love really looks like so you can have more of it in this world.

Stop focusing on the outer package and look at the inner as well. Players count on your ability to be impressed by outer hype (looks, money, charisma, status, fame). As long as you are dazzled by this, you will be more likely to ignore their lies, deception, mind games, lack of empathy, manipulations, and tendencies to use people to meet their needs while discounting your own. Take time to see what is inside the box beyond the pretty wrapping paper.

Know what your own needs are and make sure those you are in a relationship with feel responsible for reciprocity. If you are feeling cheated, used, and discounted by a partner, chances are you are! If, when you communicate your feelings about this to a partner, you find you are discounted (or worse ridiculed), back away from the person and if possible remove yourself from him or her entirely. Your needs matter too.

Learn about the signs of a player and back away immediately from that person if you spot them. This can be hard because players will tend to pour on the charm rather heavily when first meeting you. They will be far more likely than others to flatter you, pressure you, and want to make you feel as if you should be grateful to be around them. Unlike players, people who are genuinely interested in you, want to take time to get to know you. They want to assess what your needs are and learn if it is realistic to establish a reciprocal relationship with you. In short, they are interested in you for the long run, not just the short run. And, they are not focused on having you be interested in their needs over yours.

Reforming Players to Become Better People.

Of the men I have worked with few have stopped their behaviors of being a player unless the rewards tapered off. With the first man I mentioned above, his guilt over cheating on his girlfriends eventually got the better of him. He became exhausted with his double standard and how much it was costing him in the way of time, attention, and money. He was also lucky enough to keep finding girlfriends who got exhausted with him. After getting dumped for the third time, he decided it was time to come clean and learn how to be a more genuine and loving human being.

As for the married successful business man, though his cheating hasn’t ended, the consequences for his behaviors are manifesting. His wife and children essentially hate him. His wife has finally asked for a divorce. His own guilt about knowing how he is just using women as “sexual conquests” is something he readily admits to and it is beginning to bother him more. Worse, he is now 48 years old. Though he knows he could still get away with his behaviors for a time to come, he is beginning to worry that if he starts to lose his money, power, or looks things could start to go radically downhill. Then, he might end up like other male clients I have known who slip into their sixties essentially devoid of any meaningful relationships because they never knew how to establish them. As compensation they often slip into alcohol, marijuana, or other forms of substance abuse to help them cope with the inner mountain of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.

And, as for my latest client, the separated guy who is really married, and not telling anyone about it? Though at times he has some anxiety (especially about his children finding out about his behaviors and his wife going after his money in a divorce), for the most part the “chickens haven’t come home to roost.” Being a player is still bringing him too many seeming rewards. Sure, he drinks too much. True, he worries about getting found out. Yes, he is leaving a mountain of confused and broken hearts from women he dumps and he has some growing guilt emerging from knowing this. But, it hasn’t really sunk in yet. In his own eyes, he is still a great guy. Let’s hope he doesn’t end up like the one client I had years ago, who woke up one day to his mistress stabbing a pair of scissors into his balls. Let’s hope he gets conscious before it gets that bad. In the meantime, what the rest of us can do is to spot players more readily, tolerate them less easily, take away the goodies they get from being players, and have the self-esteem to stay away from them entirely until they learn how to truly love themselves and other people.

As I’ve always said, love isn’t blind at all. Love requires 20-20 vision everyone! Time to wake up and see clearly. Players be-gone!

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com/

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

Blessings and love,

Dr. Lisa Love
http://doctorlisalove.com/

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.

FREE GIFTS ON MY WEBSITE:
http://www.doctorlisalove.com/freegifts.html