Why Am I Full of So Much Joy?

September 20, 2011

Seriously, I’ve been trying to figure it out.  What is this inner shift about?  I’m getting more joyful than I have ever been in my life.  But, it isn’t about external things — having or having not.  I think this is what the spiritual use of the law of attraction is about.  That inner state, joy, and bliss.

So, what is creating it in my life?  One thing that helped, I radically simplified my life so I could live my life from an inner flow.  On my vision board are not images of houses, cars, clothes, walking around town and looking in stores and thinking “I can have this, I can have that” aka “The Secret” style.  No, I’m focued on my own teachings and principles aka BEYOND THE SECRET style.  And, it’s working.

I get up and pretty much think, “Great, I’m still here.”  I practice my main meditation these days, remembering I am Spirit breathing this body, not a body breathing Spirit.  I look around and start to think how lucky I am.  Then, I remember that per every five words I write or speak somewhere on this planet a child is dying due to violence, disease, or hunger.  So, I think, “How can I help?”  Then I get busy trying to help others as much as I can from a state of joy and a real desire to give, instead of through an obligation to do so.

I am also struggling to discipline myself to exercise more and eat as I know I should.  I know everytime I exercise, eat right, and take my vitamins and herbs, I feel super-charged.  This is my main focus regarding my own life.  It is still a bit of a journey as I was raised on cakes, brownies, cookies, candy for desert almost every day of my life.  I’ve cut way back, but I still don’t do fruits and vegetables like I need to.  I am telling myself, “Do it not only for my personal health, but so I can be here longer to contribute to others.”  Then, I rely on the Spirit that I AM to breathe into this body, brain, and nervous system more discipline and determination.

What perplexes me is that technically I “have less” than I have ever had “stuff wise.”  In fact, I would like even less stuff.  One thing I do have is an abundance is books.  I have read a massive number of books in my life.  Several times I have given boxes and boxes of books away to libraries.  I just gave 26 boxes away last year.  Now, I would like to give the rest of my books away as soon as I can afford to get the really essential ones all on a Kindle (which I have yet to buy, but intend to).  Then, I will need even less space to live in (though I live in a small apartment), and be even more free to pack up and travel (like I am doing now on tour) to go out and meet and help people.

Eight years ago when I was losing my home, my marriage, a website (Soul to Spirit) I had spent years creating, and just about everything I owned I was crying up a storm.  I wrote BEYOND THE SECRET as I came out of that period in an attempt to figure out why I had gone through everything I had.  I mean I am one heck of a positive thinker and person.  Believe me, it was NOT due to my “negative thinking.”  Read my book BEYOND THE SECRET to learn more.

I kept meditating, praying, and working through a wide variety of feelings (the insights of doing that process are summarized in my FEELING GOOD & LIVING GREAT book).  I strengthened my spiritual cable to my true spiritual self and did a lot more inner work (and in my life I’ve already done an excessive amount of that, but there is always more to do).  Now, I am almost overjoyed.  And, it isn’t because my external life is perfect (perfect partner, house, health, etc).  It is because I just don’t focus on externals much at all anymore.  I focus on laughter, love, joy, being creative, and giving.

As I am touring these days I am around a lot of people who are struggling as they are losing “things.”  To be honest I actually find this kind of amusing.  The Buddhists say all things are imperment, even this body.  Don’t worry about stuff.  Focus on the part of you that is the REAL YOU.  When you do, you will get it.  We are NOT HERE TO CONSUME, we are here to CONTRIBUTE!

Get into what you have to GIVE, instead of what you want to GET, and your life will be filled with miracles.  Look, I had the pleasure of sitting in the homes of 100’s of people 60 to 103.  All were physically ill.  Learning from them I got it.  I really did!  The ONLY thing that made people happy at the end of their lives was how much they learned to love and give in this world.  Didn’t matter if they had a yacht behind their mansion, or were in a homeless shelter.  The externals didn’t matter.  I met rich people who were terribly unhappy, and rich people were full of love and joy.  I met poor people who were terribly unhappy, and poor people who were full of love and joy.  And, ALL OF THEM WERE SICK.  So forget the health part even.  I kept puzzling over this whole thing.  If externals (rich/poor) didn’t make the difference and health was something none of them had, then how did they pull off the joy?

Here is how…

1) They were full of gratitude.

2) They were full of love.

3) They focused on what they could still give to help others no matter what.

4) They found the humor in life.

5) They laughed.

6) They smiled.

7) They had a spiritual practice.

8) They knew who they really were.

9) Even in the face of death they had no fear.

What an amazing process.  If anyone would have told me years ago when I was losing my home, work, relationship, even my health for a time, that I was going to end up more joyful than I had ever been, I would have thrown them out of my life.  Yet, here I am.  And, I’m still pretty young.  I’m getting it.  I’m living the message of my own teachings.  And, here is the good news…. if the rest of the planet wakes up in the same way…. well, we are in for one glorious time!  No, we may not have as much stuff.  We may even create an economy where we DON’T WANT STUFF!  (Imagine that).  But, we will have so much joy!  Not even happiness (which is mostly based on me getting what I want), but joy (which is based on me contributing all I can whether I get what I personally want or not).  Here in the USA we may even change the constitution to life, liberty, and the pursuit of JOY.  And, as we live from joy we will be shocked we ever wanted to live that other way before.

So, maybe that is it  Maybe that is why I get up and just laugh so much these days.  I don’t take it seriously.  Even my photo here on Facebook.  People tell me I need a “glamour” shot.  You know where I get my teeth fixed, have someone do my hair and makeup.  Put the little hand under the chin, etc.  Honestly, the reason I like the picture I am using is because I was literally laughing at myself.  I was cracking myself up.  For the first time ever I took one of those cell phone shots where you stand in front of a mirror and click the picture.  I thought, “This is pretty hysterical.  Can you imagine using this photo publically?”  Then, when I saw myself, I went, “Wow!  Ok, maybe the hair can be better, and the lighting better, and I still haven’t gotten those crooked teeth fixed, but THERE I AM!  I can see ME!  The real ME!  Not the surface me.  The light inside of me.  The joy inside of me.  The humor and not taking it seriously part of me.”

“Good enough,” I thought.  Up the picture went on Facebook.

Today then, why not do the same?  Just don’t take stuff so seriously anymore.  Let your light shine.  Let your joy shine.  Let your love shine.  Then go out there and see who needs your help.  Even if life sucks around you.  Be there for someone.  In the meantime, I will do my best to be there for you.

Blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

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Are You Being Jealous? Or, Is Your Partner Insensitive or Dishonest? How to Tell the Difference.

August 17, 2011

In my book Feeling Good and Living Great (being released July 20011), I dedicate one whole chapter to the feeling of jealousy and show you how to master it.  Along these lines I have learned from a couple clients who struggled with intense jealousy issues.  What I discovered surprised me, and it may surprise you.

On the positive side jealousy is mainly a sign of what it is you are longing for or desiring in life.  That is why I teach people to turn
their jealousy into fulfillment and give you exercises and advice in my book of how to do that.  For example, if you don’t feel good about the way you look and feel jealous of someone who looks attractive to you, you can stew in jealousy, or you can get busy fulfilling your dream to be attractive yourself.

On the negative side jealousy is a form of self-abuse.  By stewing in your jealousy you prevent yourself from moving forward to have what you really want in life.  You prevent yourself from having a fulfilling life.  Having said this, I have learned there is actually a darker side to jealousy, both in regards to those who are jealous of you, and those who accuse you of being jealous
yourself.

But, first let me share some insights I learned after working with an intensely jealous client for years that may surprise you.  This client was intensely jealous of the women he was with and was constantly accusing them of wanting other men instead of him.  For a long time I helped him deal with his insecurities and anxieties especially as even he learned to rationally see that none of the women he was with were unfaithful or wanting other men in the least.  And, then the bomb hit.  Maybe it finally came out because I had won his confidence as a counselor.  That is why he finally confided in me, “Dr. Lisa, I have a confession.  All these years I am the one who has been sleeping with and flirting with other women.”  I was floored.

In psychology we call this projection.  You project onto someone else behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are really within yourself.  Because my client was so busy cheating, lying, hiding and flirting with other women, he assumed the women he was with were doing the same thing.  He assumed they would be just as awful as he was being and so he was constantly jealous and vigilant attempting to make sure they weren’t.  Eventually with my help he cleaned up these deceitful behaviors.  As he did so, his jealousy calmed down.  As he learned to become trustworthy, he was able to more easily trust others.

Which brings me back to the title of this article.  When someone accuses you of being jealous because you ask questions about who else they are with, what their intensions are, or share your insecurities know that these behaviors in and of themselves do not constitute jealousy.  It could be that there is a valid reason for your feeling this way, especially if your partner is being dishonest with you by lying, hiding, cheating, and flirting around on you in ways you do not feel comfortable with.  That isn’t jealousy.  It is just trying to get people to be real!

However, it is jealousy if you have proof that your partner is not lying, hiding, cheating and flirting with others in disrespectful ways.  And, no partner likes to have to endlessly reassure you that he/she is an honest human being.  In fact, constantly accusing people who are honest of being dishonest flat our wears them out.  As I told my client who did this it even becomes a form of abuse.

Now, how do you know if your partner is telling the truth or lying, hiding, cheating, and flirting?  Usually, you do.  Chances are you have caught him/her in these behaviors at least a time or two (or three, or four, or five or more).  If you catch them in these behaviors and they accuse you of being jealous, know this, you are not!  They are playing the classic blame game of trying to divert attention away from their own dishonesty by making you feel the problem isn’t them, it is you.  Don’t let them get away with it.  Don’t own an issue that isn’t yours.

And, if you don’t catch them in these behaviors (lying, hiding, cheating, flirting) no matter how hard you look?  Then it is your issue.  You are being a jealous human being and it is time to get professional help.  Maybe you are like my client, maybe your jealous behaviors are a cover up for your own lying, hiding, cheating, or flirting behaviors.  Then you are projecting.  You are being a hypocrite.  Or, maybe you are just being insecure.  Then it is time to clean up those insecurities as well.  It is time to turn your jealousy into fulfillment and learn how to go constructively for what you want.  That can include being a confident, full of integrity, honest, loving, and loved human being.  And, why not go for this?  After all you are worth it.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

 

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

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Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

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True Happiness & Freedom Only Come Through Discovering the Self

August 17, 2011

My life, like many people’s, has had it’s share of ups and downs.  Through it all the only way I know of to keep alive the joy inside is to constantly remind myself who I really am in this world.   There is a saying from the Osho Zen Tarot that innocence comes from a deep experience of life that is childlike, not childish.  It embraces the light and shadow in the world and by seeing and accepting the presence of it all, true innocence, or wisdom is born.  The Osho Zen Tarot also states that the truly free person is a rebel, someone who cannot be enslaved because that person has come to know the true Self.

Recently I took a few more blows in life, disappointments as things did not turn out as hoped.  And, I admit I spent a brief day or two in a mope.  That’s ok, as my soon to be released book Feeling Good & Living Great explains, there are no bad feelings.  All feelings have a gift to give you if you know how to embrace them.  The gift of what I was going through involved setting boundaries, letting go, and being true to myself.

But, when I say that I am being true to myself, I don’t mean that I, Lisa, am just trying to fulfill my own personal needs.  Some of that is involved, but it is a higher Self I am speaking of.  That Self shatters boundaries and illusions of all kinds.  That Self gives me the opportunity to see the folly of it all, laugh at myself, and return to innocence where wisdom is embraced head (and heart) on.

Deepak Chopra says in his book Unconditional Life that most people choose to control their unhappiness instead of letting it go.  I believe many people attempt to control that unhappiness by finding ways to medicate themselves so they can pretend that they are
not really as unhappy as they feel.  But, the Osho Zen Tarot indicates that the only true way to happiness is to become a Rebel.  “The Rebel is not fighting against anybody or anything, but has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.”  Also, “the Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.”

How do we do this?  How do we become Rebels, or truly happy and free people in the highest sense of the word?  First, it requires a true state of innocence, where you embrace light and shadow in yourself and others.  Second, it requires knowing your true purpose, your spiritual calling, your reason for being here on this Earth.  Third, it requires courage to live according to principles that keep you in integrity and wholeness, true to your inner nature.  Fourth, it requires compassion and love, for only love can bring about a true healing that frees you from your wounds adn your unhappiness so you can be who you really are.

The Osho Zen Tarot also says that instead of healing people prefer to “carry their wounds.”  “With your ego your whole being is wounded,” it goes on to state.  The ego is the selfish, protected, and defended part of who you are.  That wound, that ego, can only be healed when you drop your defenses, strip down naked, and expose the wound at its roots.  Then the weeds of your suffering can be uprooted.  Then you can cry and be vulnerable.  You drop out of your head and into your heart allowing it to be soft,
tender, with your “heart breaking open” (as Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh calls it).

And, as your heart breaks open you find it, the Self.  Like a transfusion of blood it fills your body and awakens your nervous system reminding you of who you really are as the Self.  It also reveals the sweetness of this moment, the sweetness of life.  Now, there is no seeking, or grasping, desiring, or doing.  There is just the Now.  But, don’t think for a moment that the Now is just a moment in time.  The Now is beyond time.  It is not found in seconds, or days, or even years.  It encompasses all moments.  The Now is eternity.  It is timeless.    And, in that timeless moment the Self is discovered allowing you to be liberated, free, happy, whole, healed, and at peace.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

http://www.twitter.com/doctorlisalove

 

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

http://doctorlisalove.com/coaching.html

 

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Keeping the Heart Open When Life Disappoints

August 17, 2011

I’ve written about it a number of times, but it is worth the reminder.  How do we keep our hearts open when life disappoints?  I
know of no better way then the practice of compassion.  Compassion involves the art of sitting with your suffering as if you are in the midst of a Divine friend who is shining love upon you like a golden sun that both cools the anger in your heart and then melts the ice that lies on top of the anger.

It also involves the capacity to look at life with a calm, clear, and loving detachment.  Knowing how to get to this point is the same as knowing how to cultivate the witness or observer.  This observer is not cold and calculated, however.  It is wise and all-knowing and many people find it helpful to imagine this observer to be an aspect of Spirit, or a loving spiritual teacher, or akin to an angel watching over you.

In the loving light of that observer you are both able to heal your hurt and to move into loving acceptance of what is.  This acceptance is not resignation.  It is very much related to that famous saying about changing what you can, realizing what you cannot, and having the wisdom to know the difference.  If you can change it insight will emerge.  That insight will reveal how you or others need to do your shadow work, to look at ways you, or others around you were unskillful and unwise in their
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

But, without that willingness to do the shadow work on the part of yourself or others, change may not occur.  For change and the desire to do the work in the shadow can only happen if people are willing to look and to become more responsible, caring, loving, forgiving, compassionate, and wise.  If not, then acceptance that change cannot occur frees you to let go – to move on.  And, even there the heart can be utilized to offer compassion within the acceptance of what cannot change, what cannot be.

Through compassion then the heart doesn’t break and crumble, it breaks open and expands.  There love is born, love is known for yourself – for others –  for all!

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

http://www.twitter.com/doctorlisalove

 

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

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True Freedom is Found in Selflessness Not Self

August 17, 2011

In the United States people often talk about our right to “life, liberty, and happiness.”  Yet, none of these can be found when we are
self-indulgent, disconnected from others and the world around us, and only into power and pleasure.  Even brain research demonstrates happiness is found more in selfless acts of random loving kindness than self-indulgent pursuits.  That is why they have discovered that the brain gets the same kind of chemical hit as if it were on cocaine when people are being selfless and loving towards others (get The Happy Movie at www.thehappymovie.com to learn more).

And, how can we have life, liberty (freedom) and happiness when we know we are causing those around us suffering and pain because of our willful disregard of their needs and desires?  True freedom is found only in knowing who you are as a spiritual being here to serve others.  Life is only found when together we are concerned about our collective humanity, otherwise we are only destroying ourselves, as so many people are doing in the mass suicide of the human race caused by over-consumption, greed, disregarding the rights and freedoms of others, and the depletion of the environment.

Men  especially want to talk about “freedom!”  But, freedom for what?  Freedom to do whatever you want as a separated personality?  As I have written about in my Beyond the Secret: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction book, that is one of the biggest delusions of the law of attraction when it is used in a selfish versus a selfless way. Is freedom also the ability to have power over others so they will comply to your wishes and do what you want?  Is freedom the ability to indulge in constant hedonistic
pleasure?  Is freedom the right to have it at the expense of others life, liberty, and happiness?

That can never be.  As dictators fall around the planet and the environment is being decimated by out of control weather as never before the message is simple.  Freedom only comes about by freeing yourself to be your Higher Self, and by creating more life, liberty, and happiness for others.

Otherwise,  what do you have?  Guilt.  Paranoia.  Addiction.  Abuse.  Some happiness, live, and liberty in that.  That is just slavery
self-imposed.  So, whey you sound the battle cry for freedom consider the above.  For true freedom can never be found in selfishness, only in SELF, service, and love.

Love and blessings,

Lisa

Copyright 2011 by Dr. Lisa Love. All rights reserved.

 

http://www.doctorlisalove.com

http://www.facebook.com/drlisalove

http://www.twitter.com/doctorlisalove

 

Want help with the above? Check out my website: http://doctorlisalove.com

Or, call me for a coaching session. Learn more on at this address.

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Radical Honesty: A Way to Freedom

January 23, 2011

For one year in the 1980’s I practiced telling the truth in everything I said and did, including within my very thoughts.  It was a difficult year to try to discern how to tell the truth about what I thought and felt and be honest in a way that was tactful and kind.  One thing I did was follow the advise before speaking to ask, “Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?” 

To decipher this saying more clearly, I would ask myself, “Is what I am about to say really true?  Meaning is it really my truth?  Is it really the truth about the other person?  Is it colored by judgment, prejudice, assumptions?”  Taking time to consider this before speaking was very powerful.  Then I would ask, “Is it kind?  Meaning, is what I am saying said in a compassionate and thoughtful way?  Will it really serve the person by saying it?  Even if I do say it, will it help them grow, or just be a futile effort that will make them defensive, shatter their self-esteem, and run them down somehow?  Having taken time to evaluate this, is there still a way I can be honest and yet kind in what I am telling him or her?”  Finally, I would ask, “Is it necessary?  Meaning it this really the right time and place to tell this truth?  Or, is there a better time when the person will be more receptive to it, and therefore more likely to hear what I am saying?  Or, is it necessary for me to say this truth right now for my own peace of mind, self-esteem, and integrity?  If so, can I say it in the most thoughtful way?”

Since that year I have gone on to learn other approaches to truth telling, including that of Non-Violent or Compassionate Communication.  I’m still a newbie at this, but I find it a very powerful approach.  And, as of today, I was also blessed to discover a book called Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life by Telling the Truth by Brad Blanton.  You can read the Introduction to it on Amazon.com. 

http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Honesty-Transform-Telling-Truth/dp/0440507545

 Along these lines here is what I also know.  According to an Eastern system of conscious development outlined by the seven chakras (or energy centers located in the body), the “throat center” (located in the throat area of course) is all about speaking, listening to, and hearing the truth.  In other words, when we learn to live in truth and speak in truth to each other it opens the gateway between the head and the heart centers.  Truth telling in the right way opens the gateway to a sense of oneness with others, a clear seeing of reality, and tapping into the universal source of love. 

When we don’t come from truth what are the results?  Brad Blanton lists quite a few in his book.  You can also find some in another excellent resource a book called The New IQ: How Integrity Intelligence Serves You, Your Relationships, and Our World by David Gruder.  http://www.amazon.com/New-IQ-Integrity-Intelligence-Relationships/dp/1604150130  Then there is another excellent resource in the well-known book The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz.  http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424505.  All these books help reveal something the chakra system also reflects, when we don’t live in truth we commit a kind of suicide.  As Blanton states lies are the major source of human stress.  Lies literally kill you.  (Or, as Merlin says in the movie Excaliber, “Everytime a man lies he murders a part of the world.”). 

Think about it.  If your throat center is closed off so is your ability to listen as well as speak and sing well.  With a closed throat you can’t take in the same amount of air into your lungs.  Unable to breath your anxiety level shoots up and your circulation shuts down.  (No wonder so many people compensate for throat center problems and anxiety by smoking.  Is it a desparate attempt to deal with the anxiety that happens from not living in integrity and telling the truth?  Is it one of the only ways they know how to get air into their lungs?).  Worse, once your circulation is cut off so is the blood flow to your heart blocked.  And, if the heart center is about loving and being loved, then in fact lying (especially hiding, which is Blanton states is the worst form of lying) is killing your chances for love in your life.  Maybe that is why people react so much to lies.  It hurts to know that people don’t love themselves or us enough to be open, honest, to tell the truth.

Ok.  Knowing this I confess, unlike the year I was totally rigorous in my truth telling, due to some stressful times in my life I started to find that it was easier at times to hide, fudge, or lie about the little things in my life.  (For example, I might fudge and say I am late to a meeting because traffic got in the way, instead of confessing I was late getting out the door because I was unmotivated to go).  But, when I do this the immediate result is I feel lousy.  Fortunately, I have been exercising my truth telling muscles long enough that I rarely keep even a minor untruth hidden for long.  And, as of late I have been going back to my practice of practicing truth telling no matter what.  (For example, I can say that I was late getting out the door, but I’m working on getting my life more organized so it won’t happen anymore.  Or, I can have a conversation with myself or a trusted counselor friend of mine and explore the resistance I am having to attending the meeting and see what I can do about that so I either get more responsible in my commitments or take responsibility to get out of them and not make them in the first place).

The end result of truth telling?  I feel better about myself.  I feel better about my life.  I sleep better at nights.  My friends know that they can count on me to be honest, even if it doesn’t always make me look good (which may be a relief as all of us at some level see through the lies we are telling ourselves.  Better to just get them out!  In makes us easier to be around). 

Another strange effect of truth telling I have noticed lately from a law of attraction perspective, the truth about myself and others literally lands in our laps.  In fact, a week ago I was talking to someone who I suspected was lying to me about something.  At that moment, that person was inspired to hand me his cell phone.  He wanted me to hear a song on his IPhone.  And, just as he handed it to me, a text message appeared from someone totally validating that he was lying to me.  He was shocked and upset at being caught in such a strange way.  And, I was disappointed that he still couldn’t just be honest with me.

 On a final note, consider this.  We are living in an increasingly transparent world.  The truth gets out there someway, somehow!  Maybe it is time them for all of us to stop living in fear and start telling the truth to ourselves and others in a compassionate, thoughtful, and even humorous way.  Remember love and fear cannot co-exist in the same space.  As for me?  I’m all for love.  Let’s get honest with each other.  We are after all worth it!

Copyright 2010 by Dr. Lisa Love.  All rights reserved. 

 http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

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How Do You Spell Love? T – I – M – E – A Remedy for Healing Heartbreak

January 23, 2011

For the past five years I’ve been single again after a rocky marriage that didn’t go as I had hoped. At first, I was filled with enthusiasm as I looked forward into the future to get a fresh start at love. But, as many of you might have discovered, starting over isn’t always easy. In short, there are a lot of wounded hearts out there. And, when all these wounds bump into each other it can be hard to know how to create a healing balm. Well, here is one solution. Love.

But, in this article I am speaking about a particular kind of love, one that I first learned about many years ago when passing by a church billboard. It said simply, “How do you spell love? T – I – M – E.” That gave me a lot to reflect on. You see time is about bonding, or connecting, which is what two of my favorite relationship counselors, Pat Love and Steven Stosney share in their brillant book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.”

This is true whetherthe time spent it is between partners, parents and children, friends, or co-workers. And, it isn’t just a matter of quality time, it’s time, period! As another favorite saying of mine relates, “Time is priority, we always have time for our priorities in life.” Meaning, if you want to know if something or someone is a priority to you, look at how much time you invest in that person or activity.

On a personal level, I really got to experience how time heals in recent years. But, understand that I am not talking about taking time apart so that bonds can dissolve, but spending time together to lift everything up into a state of love, whether you keep things at a partnership, or just friend level.

One example of this especially stands out in my mind. It concerns a relationship I had with a man for a few years, that for various reasons didn’t work out. Though at first we needed some time to pass apart from each other to cool things down and to heal our hurt, what really mended our hearts was making a commitment to spend loving time together. Not so we could become a couple again, but to honor what love had been shared between us. Believe me, it worked!

The time together consisted of casual lunches, a few movies out, some early evening dinners, karoke, and friendly chats on the phone. The goal was not to get back together, but to find a way to honor one another and help us remember the love that was shared between us. Over a series of months of doing this, the “salve” worked and our wounds were healed. Today a loving friendship exists because we took time to heal one another, and lift ourselves back into a state of love. (Michael – thanks for taking the time to help us heal so we could move forward in a healthy way and be free to love others).

Now, I know sometimes this isn’t always practical. If we are speaking about relationships that are over, it could be one or both people have moved on with someone else. Then, you need to have an understanding partner who respects what the two of you are attempting to do. Strange as it sounds many years ago, I was actually invited to meet with a former boyfriend and his new girlfriend to be involved in such a healing process. Upon their request I took the time to drive from Los Angeles to Sacramento where they lived. There we spent three days together. During that time, I was able to bring love, compassion, and respect to the man who had never fully let me go, though we had not been a couple for years. And, I was able to bond with his new girlfriend, who finally saw first hand that I was truly not a threat. To my amazement she and I became fast friends as we spent time together. There were tears, but also there was a lot of laughter between us. I still have the picture that the man took of her and I holding each other in a loving hug just as I was about to go back home. I have never forgotten how powerful it was to spend that kind of loving time together. (Marvin and Olga – I still remember this, thank you for your gift of love).

You see in a world where more and more people feel abandoned and neglected, and where people are increasingly preoccupied with spending time at work, making a living, or vegging out in front of the television, too many of us are not spending the time together to bond, connect, and share our love. We are not holding each other, laughing enough together, greeting each other with a warm hello.

So, let me ask you this. Especially as we move into the holiday season, is there someone in your life you need to spend time with to bring about a healing? A partner, parent, child, co-worker, friend, former loved one that you are now estranged from? If so, here is what I recommend. Make a commitment to take some time to be together. Make your healing and reconnection a priority in your life. Don’t let other priorities dominate and crowd out the time you have set aside to do this, or you will end up increasing the sense of abandonment and hurt all over again. Then, the healing will become even more difficult.

And, if you choose to do this here are some ground rules.

1. Set aside time to be together.
2. Know that the goal is to help each other heal.
3. Don’t discuss hurts at first. Just keep it casual.
4. Reconnecting in public is a good idea to start. Lunches are best at the beginning.
5. If you were partners once, refrain from anything sexual. This is not an attempt to rekindle a relationship at this point, it is only about healing past hurts.
6. As much as possible, as you are first reconnecting, keep the time spent to a minimum, but be sure to make the time you spend together consistent! Long gaps, or broken commitments regarding spending healing time together, will only create more hurt.
7. If the two of you do want to talk about any hurt caused between the two of you, don’t do it until you have had at least five casual reconnections, maybe even as many as seven. Remember the goal at first is connection, not communication.
8. If someone feels sensitive, or mistrusts your intention to spend healing time together, know that time spent in the right way will help that as well. Share that you care about that person. Let them know you want to spend some time with them. Pick something to do together that the two of you would enjoy. (And, remember I am talking about parents spending time with children, and friends spending time with friends, not just former partners healing hurts together).

Ultimately, I have found in my own experience that this kind of healing time really works. But, remember to be consistent in doing this. Set a regular time if you need to. And, stick to the rules to not discuss any hurt between you until you have had consistent casual time together.

Believe me, this works. And, what better thing to do over the holidays than to mend hurts with the people you love (and once loved), than to let them fester any longer.

Want more help? Also, consider this book, “I Thought We’d Never Speak Again.” Or, call me for a counseling session. Information about how to contact me is available at my website. http://www.doctorlisalove.com/

Happy Healing to You!

Blessings and love,

Lisa

Copyright 2009 by Dr. Lisa Love. All Rights Reserved.